A month ago, I was a walking contradiction. I knew what I was planning and doing was so opposed with what I wanted from life, but I could not stop myself. I had committed to staying out of the casinos back in October and had been successful for four months. But, one night after a few drinks and a date that ended early, I decided that I had earned a night of blackjack and fun. Afterall, if I could stay out of the casinos for four months, then I knew that I could just go and have a good time...like normal people.
Silly me. I drank too much and drained my bank account. But, I had also felt the surge of energy from being in the casino again. And, the pattern started all over. I pulled money from savings and credit cards, and headed back to the casino three other times. Each time I went home, I was miserable. Each day I awoke, I made plans to return to the casino. Finally, the cylce ended because I hurt so badly. I knew that I would destroy myself. I knew that this was not what God wanted for me. I reached out to friends and family (again), and they helped me. I am now 24 days without placing a bet at the blackjack tables. I am now at peace. I am now stronger and ready to face a lifetime of commitment to beating this.
If I learned anything over the last month, it is that I cannot simply make the decision to never gamble again. Instead, I need to make a commitment to myself and to God each day that I will not hurt myself and loved ones. I cannot gamble. I become another person, one who is destructive. I confuse myself when I am in a casino. I manipulate my feelings telling myself that the energy I feel while gambling is joy and happiness...that the people sitting at the table with me and the dealers and pit bosses are my friends. This is my sickness.
Now that I have pulled myself out of that place, now that I am making a commitment each day to not gamble, I have a true sense of what makes me happy and what brings me peace. Gambling has no place in my life if I want to live a life of purpose, a life that makes me proud, a life filled with real friends, love, and fulfillment. It is scary to realize that the life that I am building (rebuilding, again, actually) can disappear with one bad decision. I am focusing on my faith, my relationship with God, to help me fight this. The good news is that as each day passes, I feel stronger; I feel more able to fight the compulsions.
I want to thank my friends and family for their love. i want to thank those of you on this site for reaching out to me, for helping me see that I am not alone. I want to thank God for His grace and mercy. I find that writing has helped me work through my thoughts and feelings. It is easier for me to write than it is to talk in front of others. Thank you to those of you who created this site. Today I feel strong. I will pray for strength for today. Then, tomorrow I will say the same prayer over again because this fight is one that I will need to face each day.
I have lost people whom I have loved deeply and passionately because of my addiction. I do not want to lose anyone else. Most importantly, I do not want to lose myself again. I offer my support to anyone who reads this. I offer you my prayers and a gentle ear to listen. I have a lot of work ahead of me, and relying on others on this site will help in my process.
Here is to making it to day 25. God bless each of you, and may God bless me (again).
cth!-Thanks for sharing your experiences and honesty. You have given me encouragement tonight, and congrats on your 24th day!!!
One day at a time.
Cth048
Your thoughts are inspiring. I want to make it four months! Hang in there, I guess part of the recovery is learning every weakness and protecting yourself from it. Early on I was so proud of how I was doing. I had a great accomplishment at work and let my brain talk me into how much I deserved to go. What a disaster. The financial barriers I put in place help curve my losses but the damage to my self esteem and erosion of the trust I had partially regained was the worst. But the episode reminded me not to get to *****, and I have accepted that its not within me to gamble "normally". Gambling like cocaine, alcohol...is something I won't do. So hang in there, even if you make it six months, then seven months......
Sadly, I went to the casino last night. It starts again. Day 1. I am hurt and disappointed. I am confused and frustrated. I wonder why I keep hurting myself right when I am starting to turn around things. I will reach out to friends and family. I will try to be strong again. I will lean into God. But, I am sad.
I feel your pain. I do really well for a couple of days then you get that itch and you beat your self up as you walk out of the casino broke and ashamed. I am new to this group and would like to get support as well as give support. My plain is to check in every day that way im being accountable. I have been able to qiut smoking but gambling is a hard one. We can do this but only with support. I went today and i would like today to be my last. God is GOOD and FORGIVING remember that. He loves us no matter what
I’m new to, my last day was the 26th I’m sick of being a slave to this & I need help maybe we can check in togather ?
Today is day one for me and it's going to be a good day. I will checkin every day to let you know my status. I hope you will do the the same we can make each other accountable. This is a new begining for both of us we are stronger than this and we need to know that . I will be here for you :)
Thank you, beckers76 and VictoriaJ. Your struggle is my struggle. I, too, commit to visiting this site each day and checking in with all who want to fight this together. Hope is returning, and I know that God has forgiven me. Let's fight together.
21 days to start an addiction 21 days to loose it. The devil enjoys watching us hurt. He makes us feel like we may have that chance of walking away with what we have lost which will never happen. I will never get back what i have lost in the casinos. I need to start over new begining. There is no room for the gambling any more. I will not dwell on the past I will lokk toward the future and rebuild. :)
Hi everyone! Just want to let you all know that we can do this together and that this site is a blessing to us all. Continue to check in here daily as I do twice a day. I think of all the money I spent and what I could have done with that money it makes me so disgusted!! Day 20 for me today. It has been difficult but with the help of cth0468 and Marcie I have become a stronger person. I am here for all of you. God Bless....
Congrats to you. You should be very proud of yourself Im sure it wasnt an easy road but you made it to day 20 and that is amazing :) I have to say this sight is inspiring I know that i can kick this its just going to take some time and determanation
Just had a family meeting - I gave up the checkbook - all the cards - and I didn't place a bet all day, day 2 down thanks everyone : )
Day 3 not so fun - still hanging in there : )
just checking in no bets today : )
I'm on day 12 I must say 12 days ago I was escorted out of a venue as I am a self excluded gambler and I had never felt so bad when I gambled after a few days but u need to remember that feeling of hurt and remind urself of the feeling u get from gambling think of a casino as a dark hole u r the owner of the shovel when u leave a casino the hole is massive from digging ask urself do I really want to dig anymore ?? I dunno about u guys but I hate feeling so down but if I slip up start again don't dwell :-)
Hi Jamie,
It has been a long time since I have visited this site, but I saw that you posted today. Congratulations to you. I have slipped, fallen, and picked myself up a few times since I wrote that original post. Today is day 55 for me. I am stronger and I am taking better care of myself. I am also seeing a therapist regularly. This is a huge step for me. I am also leaning into God more than ever. Anytime I think about gambling (whether it is an urge or a painful memory), I stop and call on Jesus. I ask him to stand next to me. I have said a prayer for you. I hope that you have a great day 12. See you for day 13.
Chris
Thanks day 13 for me today I feel great off to move house let the fun begin stay strong ur doing great
Have any of you guys ever heard of CORE. Center of Recovery for Compulsive Gamblers in Shreveprt, Louisiana. It's one of the few in-patient rehab centers for Compulsive Gamblers in the country. It saved my life. I pray for all of you. I know first hand what this disease can do to us. Keep fighting the good fight....one day at a time.
Hi everyone from Gothenburg, Sweden!
Just introducing myself to my fellow fighters - as we all WANT CHANGE, want our freedom back from the urge, the crave - the COMPULSION to RISK LOOSING...
Dunno about u guys but when Im about to gamble I dont say: "Hey, Im gonna go over there, away from whatever it is I got, here and now, and risk loosing something - and I HONESTLY DONT CARE ABOUT MY CHANCES of actually winning, OR if I really know enough to have A REASON for taking the risk or if I have any or required skill needed AT ALL to compete."
(If I just read capitals (big letters?!) in sentence above it says: "I HONESTLY DONT CARE ABOUT MY CHANCES OR A REASON AT ALL" - I added "OR" for aestethic reason hehe)
This is MY ADDICTION at least: the excitement of uncertainty, the moment when anticiption peaks - when the (last) card is about to be turned over etc; just before the ANSWER and JUDGEMENT - when everything else turns into preparations: win-loose - live-die - all-nothing - in or out...
I dont gamble to win - or loose: I gamble to EXPERIENCE RISK and UNCERTAINTY - calling it "thrill", "excitement" and "rush" is how I have DISGUISED them; and might disguise again tomorrow - because that is HOW MY BRAIN IS WIRED!
Might have a number of reasons, understandable or not; apparent or not - relevant or even IRRELEVANT:
Today I have a problem involving gambling. Dont (really) know why but I cant stop - no matter how much I win, I always end up loosing. Always have been - and, I must assume with my sadly obvious record: I ALWAYS WILL
EVERY MOMENT IS A MOMENT TO RISK LOOSING (whatever I might have - or even dont have)
(There will always be a "weak moment" - we are emotional beings, potentially illogical)
WHATEVER REASON I ENCOUNTER, WHATEVER SITUATION IM IN, HOWEVER THE CIRCUMSTANCES:
IM A COMPULSIVE RISKTAKER - IM ADDICTED TO GAMBLING.
Thank u for your posts - they are mine as well:-))
1 month exactly today that I have personally fed a machine although this afternoon I sat beside a friend playin and the same feeling I've been fighting was there it is the first time I've stepped into a venue and now I slightly feel I've let yaself down ???? I feel guilty