So, today was my midweek day off...had big plans for the day...wanted to see Toy Story 3 in 3D, go to the Dollar Store, hit up Costco (for the cheap gas), get the truck washed, soak in the hot tub and watch the A's game in the backyard...well, I got the first thing on my list done, but as the credits were rolling and I was starting to walk out of the theater my cell phone rang. It was my good friend that I met YEARS ago at an ED support group. She and her 2 neices, that she babysits (against medical advice mind you) were at her doctor's office and her doctor wanted her to go to the ER and if she couldn't find a ride then she was going to have to go by ambulance. I drive a truck so I had to go over and drive HER car to the hospital, sit and wait with her neices for 4 1/2 hours while they did an ekg, labs, and pumped her full of fluids. She had sinus tachycardia and they couldn't figure out why. I can give you a clue...she hadn't eaten in a couple of days and hadn't taken in enought fluids either. What really gets me is I've been there but it never really hit me until today what a strain it puts on those around you when you make unwise choices. I had to put my day on hold to go and babysit my friend's nieces while she was being taken care of in the ER. My friend's doctor had given her a can of Boost to drink while on the way to the hospital...she drank 2 sips of it, we were there for 4 1/2 hours and she didn't eat the whole time we were there. I took her neices to the cafeteria and fed them and myself lunch and then had to go back and get us snacks a few hours later. When I called my friend around 8:00pm tonight and asked her what she had eaten today she said she still hadn't had time to eat anything.... I am in recovery from anorexia and totally understand the fear behind it but when you end up in the ER with sinus tachycardia because you haven't eaten for 2 days my god that should be a wakeup call!! I am really concerned that my friend isn't going to be with me much longer. We're supposed to go on a crusie to Mexico together at the end of Sept and I really don't see how she's gonna make it that long!!
I am just very frustrated right now. I don't know what to say to her anymore. I tried confronting her. In fact last Weds night me and her other close friend sat in Subway and forced her to eat and we were there until they closed the place down. Her other friend has tried to sit with her for a least 1 meal a day but for the past few days we haven't been able to be there for her and somehow, somewhere she needs to do it when we're not there. Her insurance will only cover for depression, not for anorexia so she only get to go IP for short "stablization" stays anymore.
Thanks for letting me vent. If you have read this far I am grateful you took the time.
Harry...you are a good friend to step in a help out with the children and to get your friend to the hospital. I don't see that you had much choice, as a caring friend.
This situation is a wake-up call for all of us in terms of how our disorders have or do affect those around us. 'Tough love' may be the best option for both your sakes. You can support her and help her in recovery, but you may need to tell her you can no longer support her staying in the eating disorder. Insurance is a great barrier for many people. Has you friend checked about outpatient or partial hospitalization coverage benefits? I find it difficult to understand that they would cover treatment for depression, but none for an ED. But all policies are different. You also have to be aware of how this could affect your recovery, and it's GOOD for you to preserve that for yourself at any cost.
Can you explain to your friend that you will help her if she is helping herself, but otherwise, you can't compromise your own physical and/or emotional health?
Good luck!! Jan ♥
Thanks for the comments Jan!! My friend does have an outpatient treatment team. Insurance covers that but she doesn't seem to be able to hold her own OP. She was IP a few weeks ago for 10 days and that's all her insurance will cover now. They won't pay for day treatment because she has used up her lifetime benefits for that. At one point, when I was still struggling, my therapist (who happened to be her therapist too. we both moved on to different therapists since then) told me my friend and I were both terminal cases. Guess I'm just mad at the ED for lying to my friend and at my friend for beleiving the lies. I think you're right about the tough love approach. I didn't beat around the bush with her at all yesterday or last Wed when her other friend and I confronted her and sat there while she ate dinner. She has said in the past that she wants me to be honest with her so I guess it's time to stretch those muscles and be brutally honest.
My recovery is too precious for me to abandon. I have fought so hard to get to where I'm at now. I'm amazed that I can actually see that my friend is listening to the lies the ed is telling her and I'm not just sympathyzing anymore. I can now see how I must have pushed people away that were only trying to help me when I was at my worse. I couldn't see it then but boy can I see it now.
Thanks for taking the time to respond to my little rant.
Cathy...you are doing the best thing for both your friend, and yourself. I don't believe anyone has to a 'terminal' case, unless one's health is obviously deteriorated to the point of no hope. NEVER GIVE UP!! HUGS...Jan ♥
Thanks once again, Jan...update on my friend. She went to the doctor on Fri and her heartrate was 120-140 so her doctor called the IP facility and they don't have a bed until Monday. In the meantime she can't drive, babysit (something I have been after her for a long time to quit), do any form of exercise and has to have someone with her 24/7. Her car is now parked in my driveway and she's staying at another friend's house about 15 mins away from here. I spent the evening with her and it breaks my heart to see her refuse to eat...I think I know what's going through her head and I even vocalized it to her tonight. I know when I went IP my goal the days prior was to loose as much weight as I could so I wouldn't be "fat" when I came out. I now know that had I taken better care of myself prior to going IP I would have gotten so much more out of it. I also understand that the purpose of treatment isn't to get you "fat" but to get you to a place where your brain is nourished enough that you can process what is really behind what drove you to use the ED in the first place. Trying to tell someone in the throws of an ED that is another thing. This is the first time I've really been on the other side of the fence in a situation like this and I tell ya my eyes are becoming more open as the days pass. I just pray my friend comes out on the other side before it takes her life.
Thanks for allowing me this place to share my frustrations and get support. I'm proud of myself in that even though my friend refused to eat I still took care of myself.
You describe the 'fight' perfectly. It's the affect of starvation that completes obliterates one's ability to rationalize. It's good that your friend is in a safe place, and that she can get into IP on Monday.
Great job taking care of YOUR needs....you need you!! ♥
UPDATE: My friend went IP the Monday after my last post...they kept her 10 days. She's been home for 2 weeks and I've been gone on vacation for a majority of that time. Fast forward to tonight. Support Group meeting at 7:00pm. I get there and find out that she hasn't eaten for a least 2 days, maybe more. She didn't say more than 2-3 words during group and afterwards she says she needs to talk to the psychiatrist that leads the group before we leave. Her other friend and I wait out in the hall. I guess on the day she discharged the psychiatrist said something to her that she's be ruminating about since she got out and she hasn't been able to let it go. When she asked him about it he said he doesn't remember what she's talking about. This offends her even more and when she reaches us she's in tears. Both her other friend and I try to tell her to move on and forget it. I try to remind her that he's a busy doctor and has seen MANY patients since she discharged AND he's NO LONGER HER DOCTOR so WHY does this still bother her? Not letting go of this one thing is causing her to totally go back into the ED again. The 3 of us sat out in the car for over an hour trying to talk some sense into my friend. Mind you she still hasn't had anything to eat and it's nearing 10:30pm and I have to be up at 6:00am to get ready for work in the morning. I finally told them both that I have to leave and HOPE my friend can bring herself to eat something.
I'm VERY frustrated. I don't want to be mean because I know it's hard to let go of things that hurt you but there comes a time when you need to take control of your life and take responsibility for your actions and move forward. What good does it do to keep going into the hospital for refeeding if all you're gonna do is drop your meal plan and go back to the disorder? She has Medicare and they won't pay for any longer treatment because she's been in and out of the hospital so many times.
Thanks again for allowing to rant. Needed to get this off my chest so I can sleep tonight.
Harry...it's unfortunate that your friend did not get adequate treatment. A hospital setting is not the answer, but only may perhaps help to stabilize a person medically. The hard work comes after that. She needs a true treatment program! I don't think it's about talking sense into her if she is still so very ill, but helping her to understand how much better her life will be when recovered.
Take care of yourself, and let her know you care. That's about all you can do, unless she asks you for more...HUGS..Jan ♥
Thanks again, Jan. I talked to my friend today and they're going to readmit her tomorrow to get her stabalized again. I agree, she really needs to get into a real treatment center for an extended stay. It took me over six months at in a residential treatment center before I could think straight.
I'll continue to be there for my friend and try to be an example of what life can be like after an eating disorder. Sometimes I just get worn down and frustrated with the disease and insurance companies and their lack of concern for human life. I thank God that he worked so many miracles for me when I was in need. It always seemed the door swung open for me to get the kind of help I needed when I needed it the most.