Today, not only did I have intercourse with some random man, during my lunch break, but I also created a fake profile at the adult dating site I met the man I am obsessed with, so that I would be able to contact him.
He has not replied to the 4 or 5 e-mails I sent him during the past 2 weeks, but he sure had the time and effort to try to woo this supposedly new woman I created.
My head is a complete mess right now. On one level, I am about to burst into tears because of his rejection, but on a more rational one, I see that that is not my true big problem.
I feel terrible and thought that sharing this with you, despite the great embarrassment that it is causing me.
Glad you let it out & your very aware of your error.
What a tangled web we weave when we practise to deceive. At least you see it so you wont repeat it. Have you thought about why your treating yourself this way? C'mon & talk to us, we're listening to you honey.
April, thank you for your continued support and kind words...
I guess my low self esteem makes me cling to people, even when they don't want me...perhaps, even when I don't want them.
I have now learned that this man is married, but even then, I am still longing for him.
My rational self would tell you that what I want is a loving partner, who respects me and believes I am awesome, who will want to marry me and have children with me, with whom I would live happily ever after. Definitely, not a married man who gets on the internet to hook up with as many women as possible. Definitely, not that.
And yet, here I am, crying about his rejection and his abandonment, constantly wondering what did I do wrong, if I contacted him too often, if I contacted him too little, if it is because I am fat, if it is because I am not poised...
I just realized that referring to him as a "married man who gets on the internet to hook up with as many women as possible" sounds very judgemental. I apologize, I did not mean to sound mean or opinionated...
26yrs ago I met a married man, he said he was separated, getting an apartment & leaving his wife & I too so wanted to believe. When I looked back in my past I learned & figured out he SPOKE in HALF TRUTHS for whatever suited him, not me or others, it doesnt make him or myself bad people just isnt the right choice for all involved. Anyway, I have a son from that so called relationship hes 26 now, I raised him alone, hes a wonderful son & yes still visits his father once or twice a year & my sons father & I are still KIND to one another for the sake of all. Its a hard path to take & a high emotional price for everyone surrounding the situation & I can only say choose wisely my friend.
Well the thing is we are all human, and we all get sexual urges, that's the nature of the beast. I think what happens is people cab abuse those urges just like people can abuse many other urges of what deem as pleasurable, rather that be drinking, food, certain drugs, and so fourth.
What maybe you should try and do is instead of sleeping around tell yourself that hey, everytime you let some man slide up inside of you, you are leting that man become a part of you. And as for a woman sex is more emotional, where to men it is all physcial. So with that said it then has an emotional effect on you, and in your case it has become a negative one.
Maybe be alot more selective about who you endulge in sexual activity with and wait until you find someone that you actually really like and have established a connection with before you have sex with them. Some will say well what happens if I don't meet that someone for awhile! Well, there is absolutely nothing wrong with self pleasurment (masturbation) as it is your body to enjoy afterall! That way when the time comes and you do meet and get involved with that someone who you actually really like and care about, the sex will be great and you'll say this was definitely worth waiting for because now I feel good about myself that I did have sex with someone who respects me, which in makes me respect myself :)