A day in the life of a woman fully dedicated to her ED

Today all i want is for someone to hug me and tell me it will be alright cos i am a long way from alright at the moment. I am not sure why i am writing this but i just want to say that it is a pretty ugly thing to live a life fully dedicated to the ED as it is for me at the moment.

Here goes.

WARNING: Please do not read on if you are easily triggered.

Wake up after a good night's sleep (normally, i can't sleep because i am not nourishing myself enough and hunger or general insomnia means i only get about 4 hours of sleep)

Do some exercise (because i can only eat if i exercise. if i don't exercise, i must b/p to make up for that)

Eat and spend the next hour wishing i would allow myself to eat more but scared that doing so will lead to purging.(i have decided to commit to breakfast no matter what - the only good thing i will do all day)

Spend some time with a family member in order to avoid purging (they don't know that me being in their company/presence is my saving grace this morning)

Fall asleep (not sure if this is the food or my general tiredness)

Spend time on computer to hold off impending b/p.

Go out to buy binge food.

Begin bingeing outside of my house (because i don't want to be caught out by family). I know this is deceitful and ugly and i am not sure why i am laying myself bare.

Finish bingeing and follow this up with purging.

Check body

Begin shaking

Drink something. Continue shaking.

Decide to eat something

Decide i should not have eaten and begin bingeing cos i hate that i am eating.

Purge all over again.

Take a break. But not for long.

Go through this again after starting to shake again.

Feel hopeless cos no-one can help me. Feel very lonely. Grateful that i am not suicidal. Sad that i feel so hopeless.

Take a phone call which makes me feel like i am cared for.

Return to computer.

Such is the day in the life of a woman fully dedicated to her eating disorder. It's not pretty. It's ugly. It's shameful. It's tragic. It makes me sad that i am living like this at the moment. Without purpose. With food constantly on my mind. What is keeping me from life?? Me.......

Maybe this should have been a journal.

Thanx for reading.

xx

sreb

Do you still have a treatment team amd why the Hell are not getting you the Help you NEED.Every time I read your posts and I know you have been on here for some time now off and on..but honey my heart just goes out to you.I didn't binge and I can only imagine what that must be like.Please don't be ashamed.You have given some great advice to others here...

and i only wish you could take some of that same advice for yourself.Im sorry that its so difficult to get the help you need in the UK..it took me 6mths to get treatment.I hope and pray that you can get out of the viscious cycle you are stuck in.Just please keep fighting through this.

LOVE

Sreb,
Thank you for your truth. This is not YOU, it is an eating disorder which has taken over your life. I know you feel responsible, but I don't beleive that.
It is tragic, because good treatment has not been made available to you.
I agree with Grace....keep fighting, and know that we are all here for you....Jan ♥

Sreb,
I'm on board with Jan in saying that is not you, the behaviors are ED, and like a cancer they do take over our lives.
You are who witnesses, writes, wants more, wants off. You deserve hugs and support where ever you are. I appreciate your candor and am truly sorry this abuse seems like it needs to be cause it doesn't (I need to know this too).
I'm out here reading your "dirtiest" secrets and am not shocked. You are worth all the fight and all the surrender it's going to take to get your life back.
May you know your worth today.
Patsy

songbird sreb-
i am hugging you right now. please wrap all the words lovingly written on your behalf around you.
this is not your fault. it isn't. spelling out the chronology of your day is a big, fucking deal. you are stronger than you think for being able to bare all your raw pain through your confessional itinerary.
i have attempted to provide such a daily syllabus... each time thinking i have been truthful- only to notice the next time that i left something out.... and each time, whether attempting to provide info for others or attempting to try to see my REAL routines, i leave things out- different things each time for different reasons.
you're right, it's not pretty. but the truth is the truth no matter the adjective assigned to it. the TELLING of the truth IS pretty... it's beautiful, in fact.
thank you for adding the rich and true beauty of truth-telling to my life. one little step leads to another- you are on your way....
much love, my sister-
xoxo

Thank you Ladies. Sisters.

I am grateful for your words and for your compassion. I am not so with myself. Clearly.

Grace, i don't really have a team as such. I do have a therapist and managed to stumble upon a sympathetic doctor and so there is some coordination. In the next few weeks, i should start more intensive outpatient therapy. That will make it almost a year to the day, since i first went to the doctor to confess my sins. lol. It is indeed a vicious cycle. Brutal on most days. Thank you. I am glad that you were able to get treatment and the knowledge of you fighting for what you needed certainly inspired me to keep on. Truth is that i had to get worse to get more help. It is unfortunate that you stay on the waiting list for a long time until help comes. Either that or you get worse rapidly. Unfortunately, i went downhill quite quickly a few months ago. Now i cannot take myself out of the prison i have made for myself.

Jan. Thank you. You know how much your support has kept me going. I don't know why i continue to penalise myself. A hundred people could say it is not my fault but i know i was the instigator and for that reason, it seems hard to believe anything else. Irrespective of this, i still want to get out of this and i know that even if structured help is weeks away, i cannot afford to get worse in the meantime. I don't know how i can do this but i have managed up til now and i will just keep trying to get through each day as best i as i can.

Patsy,
I am glad you are not shocked. I still am. lol. Fight and surrender. Wow. You got it in one sister. I think i am fighing some but not surrendering at all. I have surrendered in the past but i or ed is not allowing it at the moment. I am keeping a tight rein on everything and not allowing myself to put on any weight. So that even if the scales no longer rule me, my desire not to gain does. I am still mildly hopeful. I am no longer in the blackness of depression. But who knows what will come when the weight starts to return. The future can take care of that one.

Amy.
I had to be careful not to be too graphic cos it is a lot dirtier than i wrote but i still want to be responsible in what i write. Thank you for your hug. I still hope to meet with you and many of the others here in person one day to receive a real hug. lol. Brooklyn anyone???? I think i am going to be honest with my T about what my day is like cos each time i go, i say, yeah, i am fine. It was a tough week but here is the progress i made. Truth is, the progress is scant and the behaviours multiply like bacteria.

Well today is like every other. But at least there are longer intervals in between behaviours.

Love to you ladies. Happy Friday!!!!!!!!!!!