A fish out of water

Relationships Romantic Relationships
1

After being in a relationship for 7 years I am single again. I was engaged to be married when out of the blus my fiance told me he wasn't ready to get married. I thought we were on the same page but apparently we weren't. What hurts the most is when I asked him why, he told me he didn't know why. Who in the hell doesn't know why? Then he had the nerve to tell me that I should wait for however long it takes for him to be ready. I found his attitude to be very selfish, considering that I had already invested 7 years of my life to that relationship. I am in my mid 30's now. I never pressured him to marry me. We do not have any children or circumstances that would make him feel obligated to have to marry me. I thought he proposed because he was ready to make a commitment to me. I feel that at 35 I can't invest any more time with a man who will probably never marry me, and then my chances of finding someone else and having children would be slim because time is waiting on no one.

So I broke it off. Like a spoiled brat, he had the nerve to twist this all around and somehow tried to make this all about me. He told me that he still believes I love him, and he's hoping that I will take him back. But I'm not going to take him back. Even through all of my tears and frustration, he still can't see whay I am so hurt over this. And that's what lets me know he is not the right person for me anymore.

I am angry and hurt that this has happened. I am angry that I spent so much time with someone so selfish. I take responsibility for my part in this situation. I just want him to accept his, which I know is a losing battle. He told me that he used to think I was the perfect woman...oh so now I'm not? Now I'm not good enough?I never claimed to be perfect - he put me on that pedestal!! if he is not perfect, how can he expect that of me? Now that I can sit back and reflect on our relationship I can see so many things that were all wrong. And I'm angry wih myself for putting myself in this situation.

I feel that I can't trust again. I put so much into this relationship that I feel there is nothing left in me to give to someonne else. I've become cold and bitter towards my best friend who has the husband and the child without any effort at all. The things that I wanted. And I'm just angry.

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hi brooksie, can i ask when all this took place is it recent? your hurt and anger is to be expected hun. i'm just wondering the time frame in order to comment further. but wanted to welcome you to support groups although i'm sorry your here under such painful circumstances. i'm hoping you find the support your needing here with us.

3

This all came to an end about a month ago. If I didn’t love him so much this would be easier to deal with.

Thanks for the support. I feel that my friends and family just don’t understand what I’m going through.

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(The following views are mine only, and are only based on my own life experiences)

Hiya,

He probably does know why, but just doesn't know how to articulate it. But hey, who cares, about the whys. They are really not important.

You've decided that this is over, so it's time to move forward.

We have to learn from our past, live in the present and plan for the future.

However, for you, after being with him for 7 years, you have a big chance of rebounding into another relationship too soon, just because of the head space you are in at the moment.

Most people are advised to spend one month single for every year of the previous relationship.

So by right, you really shouldn't even think of serious dating for at least 7 months.

I do encourage, a few one night stands and some mindless randon sex with some cute guys though, because nothing makes a girl feel better about herself than a hunky guy in the sack with her.

Just don't look at any of this as could be relationship material as you need to learn to love yourself again first, and become whole on your own, before you can give a new relationship what it needs to stand the test of time.

People who jump to early into new relationships, tend to take the same problems from the last relationship into the new one, and more often than not the next relationship fails as well, and then they start wondering why they can't hold on to relationships when their friends seem to make it look so simple.

So don't panic, you have plenty of time, my sister didn't have her first kid until she was 40yrs old, and all that did was make her grow younger within herself, and appreciate her kids more.

Once you're at peace within yourself, and realise you're so happy that you don't even need a guy in your life - trust me - that's when Mr right will walk right into your life. Right when your not looking.

Good luck and all the best for your new future

gottasmile

5

Thanks gottasmile. I really needed that. I feel so bad right now. My best friend is having a baby, and my younger sister got engaged after 6 months of dating and is getting married in September. I feel that everyone around me is happy and it's so hard for me to be happy for everyone when nothing is going right in my life. I make my best efforts to be happy around my family and friends but I cry when I go home. I feel that neither my sister of friend deserve marriage and family more than I do, yet they are getting the things I always wanted. I feel like a failure because I wasted so much time with someone I thought I was going to be with forever. I am so angry with him too because he's the reason I'm crying all the time. I don't know how to get past this. I know you said 7 months but I don't think I ever want to be with anyone else again.

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I just finished typing another massive post to you and then my comp crashed, bugger. . . I lost the lot: anyway the jist of it was this.

FACT: 50% of marriages fail. So even though everyone around you seems to be all lovey dovey at the moment think about the fact that only 50% of them are going to make it past the first 10 years.

Also think about what would have happened if your boyfriend hadn't called it off now - do you believe you would have been married happy ever after, or maybe in a year or two from now, with a few kids in tow, the **** hit the fan, and you broke up then. Wouldn't that have been worse, when there would have been children involved.

I know you don't see anything positive in this at the moment, trust me I've been where you are. But one day, maybe 10 or 15 years from now, you will look back on this and feel a lot different about it than you do now.

(hugs)
gottasmile

7

here's some good news for just fyi my husband and i have been married for 19 yrs hey-ho....we have had our struggles of course, but very much love each other .....love to you guy