A little backstory/healing from my surgery has'nt been easy/body, mind, spirit

was molested as a child, alcoholic(and did any drug that came along) by 13, raped at 16, multiple marriges and lots of insane behavior (sober since jan 5 2005 woo hoo gods grace)my illness started in 05(thought is was aging/menapause) and grew worse over the yrs. in 08 moved mom down from up north to care for her/daddy was in soldiers home with advanced alziemers. 2009 the pain was getting real bad and relied on meds to get me thru hated lots of doctors and had mom to care for. oct 09 almost died (sleep issues, stress related) strings of tests, docs. by mar of 10 it was so bad i began another string of docs/surgical procedures. returning home from a procedure in apr of 10 found mom dead from suicide. and more tests and procedures, jul of 10 daddy passed away and as a result of my illness was unable to see him (his death was iminet within 24-48hrs) nor go to services. by aug of 10 i was 99% bedridden. jan 2011 with a change of meds was able to go to daily mass for about 3 weeks and had been bedridden again 99% since until my surgery april 29. as you can imagine i had been quite desperate and suicidal for many days during the past year. happy to report not there since the surgery. but as the prognosis won't really be known for many months the days following it were the most darkest dark night of the soul i have ever experienced, emotionally bankrupt, physically unable to move much, lost, scared and felt like i was drowning within myself. i realized that on top of all else i was mourning the loss of "me" who i was b4 the illness really kicked in. (unless i get my miracle) and the husband picked that time to really kick up the drinking(along with the behaviors thereof) and letting my daughter care for me (she has many issues bipolar,bpd,ptsd,self harmer) god bless him he lives in a dream world and figured ok plug her in(neurostimulator implants) she's fixed and life goes back to normal. there's much more to the story but did'nt want to write a novel, just an update to those who have been asking about me and for those who don't know me....maybe we can be friends to. thanks to all for your support .....i'd rather be the supporter than the supportee(pride perhaps eh yup, just figured that one out yesterday) if any comments left here, will get back to you as soon as i can.....my days are up and down and all around.....much love to you all

forgot to add that after all docs/test diagnosis=nerve damage

thanks puppy and suzee for the little push in the right direction for the right reason

HUGS from Portland-I've been busy being a supportee myself -continued prayers for your recovery-don't forget your pain meds so you can do the pt! (nag,nag,-can you see me shaking my finger atcha?)no martyrs allowed-i still didn't get my whiner chip xoxo

donna you never cease to make me really laugh out load. i see the finger…ouch donna ouch…i want i whiner chip to!!! thanks honey

Hi Wiffyatthehub. I am so sorry to hear about all the issues that you are dealing with and have had to deal with over the past few years. You have done so much to support so many people here. If you ever just want to chat, let me know. I hope and pray that things get better for you soon. Is the recovery from the surgery going ok? Don't think bad thoughts. Think happy and know that we are all here for you. Stay strong. Lots of hugs!

roxbury hun, thank you so much how kind of you. we all have a story don’t we? oh and do keep me on the prayer list as i prayer for all of you everyday since i joined this group. sooner than soon will work for me. have a little hiccop (spelling?) big to me, heck i got wires and generators and did you know i’m on limited warrentee to!!! hehehe…thanks hun so much for your support means so much to me. think happy is good but hard when your in pain but i’m doing my best dear. hey with all of you having my back…i’ll stay strong hun

Hi Kathy,
It is definately time or people to know who you are and what you've been through and are going through!! With all you go thru, you are always an angel who gives her heart and soul to all who come here, tirelessly. I am amazed at your strength and your optomism. You have definately taught many of us to be better people!

Now you have to help by teaching others here that it's OK to need support and to lean on others through the tough times.... hint hint.... :)

Love ya, Suzee

oh you little miss hint, hint…your to kind, come spend a weekend with me and see what an angel i am (hehehe) as i’m able i will post more about whats happening with me on a more consistant basis, i’m on so very little compared to b4 surgery and in spurts…i keep telling folks wait till i’m really up in running…in your face all the time…i just love people as you know and love helping if i can…will try to be more sharing with my life as we go along. thanks for the nudge (you may have to nudge again but not as hard next time) i’m seeling the value of allowing others to help me to…i guess i was selfish and prideful…want what I want when I wanted and god forbid anyone knowing how tough things can be in my life. you and puppy and taught me (still learning) a valuable life lesson. thank you hun big “gentle hugs”

Kathy, I am so very proud of you for sharing your story with us and I knew that you would do so when the time was right for you and when you felt comfortable doing so. You have been here for everyone; loving, caring, kind, compassionate and incredibly supportive, so it's our turn to be there for you.

You are the epitome of strength, faith, and hope. I know that each day following all that you have been through brings new challenges, though you over-ride them and keep pushing forward. I am in awe of you and think that you are beyond spectacular. I know that you will be blessed with a full life again, I know that you will overcome this. I have told you this a million times and I will continue telling you, because I am putting it out to the Universe, that you will be better than ever before...Kathy version 2.0.

You deserve the world and beyond for all that you have been through and for all that you are as a person. I am here holding your hand through this and won't let go until you are up and running around again.

Love you so much! Sending you tons of hugs.

gee puppypal funny how we don’t see ourselves as everyone else does good or ungood. anything good that i do or that i am is God puppy, thank you so much for your kind words i’m in aw hun. that would be bionic version kathy 2.0 (hehe) i think we all derserve the world, trying our best to navigate this thing called life. glad i got you puppypal and ah just for the record when i’m up and running i ain’t letting go of your hand oh so sorry your stuck now (hehe) i love you to so much puppy, we’ve been thru alot since that day in january when i came a knocking. thank for all that you do not only for me but for the thousands of folks on the site. we shall continue the journey and see what happens.

dear Kathy you are awesome, thank you for baring your soul, and i was just about to check out for the night! you are an inspiration to us all you know that? at least to me, you always have something to say that keeps me going. don't worry about the pride getting in your way, i have the same issues and God always makes sure to take me down a notch or two. my kids used to call it your angel punishment. lol! there must be alot of grief in your soul dear one, and if you feel like it you know where to reach me too. with faith and hope in your eventual wellness whatever form God brings it to you. and may he richly bless your sweet daughter as well, from your humble prayer warrior.

stanisz hun, i could write volumes as we all could, the soul is always under atttack. once again YOUR kindness and openess touch me. he sure does take us down a notch. in my case i felt as though i had been thrown over the cliff and landed with a big big bang hun. how sweet the kids call it an angel punishment. hug them for me would ya please. oh yes stanisz lots of grief in my soul for sure over many things. will eventually share all my “stuff” as i get physically “weller” right now it’s still the basics for me. thank you hun for keeping my daughter in your prayers…long story like everything else but she is finally taking a little step big step in her own recovery, the year has been especially hard for her as well so thanks hun. we’ll be chatting

Kathy; 1Peter 5:6,7 You will always be my admiration!

cr-sal oh beautiful one, just read the scripture oh praise him and humble ourselves, thank you hun...anything admirable you see in me is God dear one. but thank you for such a compliment. for him i humbley accept it. hope you are doing well cr hun, we'll be chatting again.

yes, the evil one is constantly messing with me even if he is just waiting in the wings Kathy. he pounces on me all the harder so i have something to confess every week no matter what! pride being one. anger another.

our daughters are so special are they not? i know at times when my daughter has cared for me i have felt so blessed, and truely i was. and indeed with all we put them through growing up as indeed i did, how could i not with my issues from my own childhood and then unresolved not even knowing at times i had issues to resolve to be a good mother until she was much older, but thankfully we had alot of love and tenderness t hroughout the years and still do. she has and does forgive me. as do i forgive her, she tended to pick up where her stepfather left off i am sorry to say. often children will take this path and three of mine did, my own daughter being one of them. but she is getting over this on her own accord glory be to God.

all my best with faith and hope. feeling a llittle better from this flare. am asking the doctors office for sample of meds until the perscription can be filled and continuing to pray in the ams and during the day for blessing upon us all.

never a shortage of things to confess at my end either. i love my daughter so deeply and unconditioanlly. oh say hun we do pass on the baggage of our upbringing and we also have true forgiveness between us. good idea hun to get samples till yours comes in. my doc has done that numerous times for me. i with you say god bless us all…let us do our part so god can do his

Kathy, I miss you very much. I think of you and pray for your each day, always sending you tons of healthy healing energy. I hope that each day is getting a bit better for you. Sending you big hugs and lots of love.

her kathyness is making a brief appearance (hehe) you know honey/puppypal are always in the prayers and you know i include everyone on the site as i watch my daily mass.

Puppy, you took the words out of my mouth... I too, keep thinking about Kathy and miss you so very much!

Prayers continue and I keep you in my thoughts always!! There are many here that miss you and love you. Let any of us know if we can help in any way!

Love you, Suzee

oh suzee just knowing your thinking about me and the prayers are flowing is a huge comfort. just know youse guys (new york thing) with the health hiccups im having it’s more difficult for me now getting on and typing but never fear i’m still here lots of love your way

Oh puppy dog love-you gotta give your own self credit I get nuthing but warm fuzzies and love when I read your posts.tommorrow(or soon) I'm gonna add the entire list of qualifiers for the support groups-just so I can post in all of them cuz her Kathyness got nuthin' on me hehe-(really bad just kidding-sorry) not everbody "gets" my ironic humor LOVE to all!!