I have not been on here in months. I have not had the access to come on here nor have I had the desire to seek any sort of help.
I had been doing very well for about 6 months or so, eating everyday. I may have struggled with it but I did it and that's what matters. Unfortunatly I have found myself back in the same rut that I have been in for years. I go days without eating and no desire to eat either. I don't even feel hungry. I think about food and I feel nauseas not hungry. I have been trying to eat like once a day but that doesn't even work I end up eating two candy bars and then feeling so guilty I just go to sleep.
Why is it always like this, why do i start gettting better ten everything just fall apart?
I guess before I ask that question I should shed some light onto what has been going on with me.
Back in Dec my husband and I seperated adn I met a man that I feel in love with and took great care of me, I ate everyday and felt beautiful. He started cheating on me and I started to slip and fall backwards. i decided that I would try to work things out with my husband... A very hard situation to work out, I love him very much and he is the father of my two children but I do not feel IN love with him. I feel like I could walk beside him until the end of time but not in the sense of a lover. I am for some messed up reason still completely in love with my ex boyfriend.
Needless to say in the past month of trying to work things out with my husband I have lost weight and pretty much stopped eating. like amybe one meal a day, or none. I am completely at a loss here and do not know what to do with myself.
Before when i obsessed over eating and weight it was different, I would feel so hungry and sick all the time, now I dont' even feel hungry anymore. the desire for food is just gone.
So i guess I forgot to add a few key things... Back in May I tried to end it all. I made an attempt on my life. I was admitted and stayed for less than a week then two weeks later was re-admitted for having the same kinds of thoughts. I have since been being treated for a mood disorder NOS but being treated as bipolar and also for ADHD. I don't understand how someone wanting to be so normal ends up like me. blah
wow... so after reading my own story I think I may have figured out my new complete lack of desire for food.... I am being treated for ADHD and the meds make you not hungry... Wow that is totally what someone with and ED needs, is wanting to eat even less then they are already not eating.. wow sometimes I am amazed with our healthcare.
Thank you Grace :) I really wish I could feel motivated and less scared. You're right though i am a very co-dependent person. And not even because I need someone to take care of me, but because if i don't have someone in my life for me to take care of I feel worthless... Even though I know I should be taking care of myself... I just have a hard time understanding why I am worth while. I have been a really depressed indvidual the past few months. I just don't really know where to go from here.
"Why is it always like this, why do i start gettting better ten everything just fall apart?"
OMG! I can completely identify with this! I have periods where I am 100% commited to recovery and pushing so hard and fast, then BAM! It is as if I hit a brick wall of apathy or depression. I can undo 6 months worth of work in a matter of weeks. I relapse so hard and so fast it makes my head spin.
"I feel like I could walk beside him until the end of time but not in the sense of a lover."
I can also identify a great deal with this statement. I talked to my therapist about it at great length because I have been in my relationship for almost 10 years. My therapist said that my eating disorder has completely sabatoged my sex drive and my libido causing me to have no desire for a sexual relationship. This has caused so much strain on my relationship, but somehow we have managed to keep it together.
Good luck, if you ever need to talk, please know that I am here. I just joined, but I really found that I could identify with your words. I hope things get better, know that you are not alone. *hug*
I can relate to undoing months of work in just weeks. I had worked soooo hard for 6 months and literally in 2 weeks had regressed all the way back tot he begining. It's the life of a Martyr. Things start going good and then I just mess them up because happiness just isn't in the cards for me... or so it seems anyway. Everyday seems like a complete battle. I am physically capapble of anything but mentally I am so stuck. How can one person have so many ailments?
My therapist keeps telling me that I have to "look outside my disorder" for happiness. She says that once I get outside of my head and look around I will see all the beauty, happiness and love that the world has to offer. But I am not there yet, not by a long shot. I hope to be there one day. And everyday I think I get closer. I have a weekly assignment to walk outside and find something beautiful and write in my journal about it. This helps me to stop thinking and identify something positive in the world around me. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it just makes me more depressed that I can't be beautiful like the world around me...but it does help sometimes. Gets me out of my head.
Hello my fellow Casey :) I have missed you dearly! I think about you often and pray for you ALWAYS! I want you to know that I am glad you are back and talking again...we are always here for you and I want more than anything to see you healthy and not hurting. I love you lots! *Kasee*
Casey...thank you for reaching out here once again! Welcome back! I agree with others, and I hope you will seek professional help for this, so that you can possibly get a handle on it and balance your life out a bit more. Please keep sharing....HUGS...Jan ♥
I know how u feel. When my ex husband was cheating on me and i didn't know it or didn't want to realize it i tried to lose weight thinking that he would like me if I lost weight whcih was not the case. I lost a lot of self esteem on my part and i think that is why i devolped this eating disorder. I know how u feel. It sucks