This morning has been tough. After breakfast, I felt myself thinking of food and longing for lunch. With a stronger mind, I recognised this feeling as the start of 'the urge' to binge. I then began to tidy my flat as a distraction.
I had lunch and smoked a cigarette. I then began to experience negative feelings. I remembered reading some buddhism ages ago and about how positivity cannot exist without negativity so I went with the feelings and began to face the feelings. I also remembered what Moongal posted a little while ago about facing 'depression' (thanks Moongal!!!). I didn't run away from the negative feelings but thought it through.
I then felt that 'sinking' feeling inside where I felt contained in my flat, wanted to close the curtains and binge. I had my music on and it was on a random playlist. Suddenly, some upbeat music played and I found myself having a little dance which made me feel good. I am now thinking of going out to the market and then for a little walk - the sun is shining and I don't want to miss out on it!!!
Now I am on a new path, I have realised that I cannot run-away from the feelings I had before but that I can face them in a different way. Negativity is as much part of life as positivity but the difference is that I can face the negativity with an optimist mind which means that I find a logical solution for it to pass faster. I do not have to self-destruct when I feel bad...I just have to think it through with my healthy mind.
Have a lovely day everyone. One week without bulimic behaviour and feeling strong and happy.
Maedi...no, I had absolutely no idea that I had this strength inside me a week or two ago (you saw the message I sent to you last Sunday!). I was well and truely trapped in Bulimic prison without a key to get out.
I started (by chance) realising that I was 'somebody'. I remember actually saying to myself "I am somebody" - I think it was teh "Piece of Broken Glass" song that was posted on here a while back which triggered some memories inside of me. I then met with an ex-student of mine (we've become good friends) and she began to talk of my positive energy which I didn't even realise that I had.
After that, I (again, by chance) had a really busy week ahead of me - the busiest week since I can remember and I was really nervous about not being able to cope with it. Changing my flat around just before the week began made a world of difference...I said to myself "I will not binge or purge in my new surroundings" - I felt that I would 'tarnish' my nice flat with bulimia if I did.
Since then, I've had to tackle it second by second, telling myself that each second is a second in the right direction. At the end of each day, the feeling of achievement was so over-whelming that it's enabled me to continue to the next day. I am still unable to look too far ahead at the moment. Distraction is my most powerful tool at the moment. I'm using the journey and its positive surprises (self-discovery, little achievements, socialising) to keep me on the path.
I hope your are well. I can look further ahead now...I feel even stronger and have more confidence in my choice not to follow my ED. I feel that I can now trust my mind...the distractions are still there as a precaution and I am on guard after all my meals but it's DEFINITELY getting easier.
I can see me getting through to next week which means that I'll be back in UK with my family...this will be a motivation...then I can look ahead to a bright new year. I'm learning a lot about myself...I didn't realise how much of my thinking the ED was using up.