Every time I sit down to write this letter I feel a little silly. I shouldn’t but I do – I guess in my head I imagine your reaction and it can either go, really well or blow up in my face. I guess either way, I’ll never know till I write this and hand it to you. Don’t laugh at me. It’s taking a lot of courage to put down these words in black and white – and it’s a little scary to admit this “out loud” to you, for quite (and I’m talking years here) I suppressed, denied and did everything to explain away how I felt. It was easier. However, denial and suppression of anything is never good (at least not in my eyes) – so I want you to know. I love you. I’ve loved you for such a long time, and it’s scarier now telling you, than it was all those years ago. I love you so very much, to the point that I would earnestly sacrifice anything, just to make you truly happy. I don’t know how good these words are, but while, I would buy you everything in the world to put a smile on your face, the greatest gift that I could ever possibly give you is my heart. And I mean this genuinely – it’s not over hyped or meant to mirror those pinnacle moments in Rom-coms, but rather; this is real, this is true, and I wouldn’t be working so hard to reach out for you – if it wasn’t so deeply entangled within my very core.
I wish I were better at saying all of this to you, to your loveable face and piercing blue eyes, but trust me – I’d be an emotional mess within five seconds of attempting to say any of this. I’d break down, clam up and I’d never be able to reveal to you, how I earnestly feel. I hope the comprehension of these words, isn’t lost, even through typing them up. I have tried to write them out before, but it all ends up as a massive scrawling mess J
Please don’t laugh, know that I’m opening my heart wide here – I’m placing myself in a vulnerable position – but even in that, I have the confidence to admit what I know to be true. I love you. You and only you. So please, don’t send me away again. I could explain everything to you, I could tell you confidently that, I dated quite a number of people and so on....but genuinely – I have never cared about someone the way I care for you. I want to support you, and I want to be there for you. I want you to get better so, so, so, so, much. Not for selfish reasons, but because I’ve only ever wanted you to be happy. Truly happy. It breaks my heart to know that you’re not in a happy place. You are such a wonderful, caring person; and I know you can and will be happy someday. You may ask me how I know, you may brand me as deluded – but I have faith....faith that you won’t let this beat you, faith that you will in turn beat this and faith that you will not only achieve what you want but that you will overjoyed when you get there. I guess you may think it’s easy for me to say all of this, but I remember you long before this illness had overtaken.
My memory can be awful at times – I can’t remember what I was asked to do five minutes ago, but I can recollect quite clearly memories from the past. I cherish all the time I spent/spend with you. I remember when we first met – the quiet boy with the braces :P (I never did get to kiss you with those on...totally gutting ;D) I cherish the time we had together – kissing in the rain, holding hands, wandering aimlessly around, watching films, playing board games. Everything. I missed you so much when you were absent from my life. You were my best friend, do you realise that? I loved speaking to you – I loved the fact that you confided in me – that you turned to me for love and support. I loved you then and I still love you now, and nothing, nothing will ever change the way I feel about you. Ever.
One thing, that I’ve never understood and perhaps has plagued me for such a length of time was us breaking up. I racked my head and heart for such a long time – and to this day, I still don’t know. It’s not something I wanted to ask, or even dwell upon but I do want to know, I do need to know....
David, what do you see in me? What’s your opinion of me? I want to know what goes on in that head of yours...I want to be close to you again.
Will you let me be there for you? Will you let me support you? Will you let me love you? Do you trust me?
I will never lie to you – I will never fail you, and this love...that I have for you, will never die. It’s constant and has been so for the past 3+ years even when you weren’t physically present in my life. I love that I can share things with you, I love your warped sense of humour. I love everything that makes you, truly you.
Just don’t shut the door upon me. If you meant what you said...to me...then allow me to make them happy. Why should it be “if things were different?” – why don’t we make them different? I’d be willing to try, even if there was a chance that it wouldn’t work.
We’ve said before that there is more than one person for each individual in this life – but I earnestly believe it’s difficult to find that person who knows all your flaws, but yet sees only perfection. That’s how I see you. How I’ve always seen you.
I should add, I’m not deluded, in fact I am realistic – I’m not unaware of life – yet – I know that I would support you, love you, look after you and seek to help you, forever more. That’s a promise. I know I could make you so very happy, even through my crazy high pitched squeals. J
In closing to this long note – I agree, that you should be better, physically and emotionally well in yourself before being with anyone romantically...especially as not only would the other person miss out – but you’d miss out on what love is. It’s something that cannot be proven, seen or even physically held, yet it can cause so much joy, happiness and determination in a person. Trust me. But, either way I hope you’d choose me...so please, with a final stance – will you let me support and help in whatever way I can? Will you let me be a part of your life? Will you let me love you? Care for you? And cherish you? Will you let me spoil you rotten and give you my earnest love?
I love you. Now and forever.
xxx