Today is a day I have been dreading for a long time... I was supposed to have my Well Woman exam this morning, followed by my Eco and Stress test in the afternoon. Thanks to my cardiologist for going out of town and moving those appointments up, I got the Eco and Stress tests knocked out last week. So... Still had the WW. Got it done this morning. SOOOO relieved... :) Decided to celebrate by going to a movie! I got some lovely gift cards from students. :)
I arrived at the theater in time for the 11:30 showing of Karate Kid. As always, used my movie watcher card at AMC, because I'm always hoping for freebies. Got one today. A free small popcorn... Whew--
In the past, I would have been disappointed, then looked for someone nice to pass the coupon to... Today... It was almost lunch time and I'd missed my snack... I decided to go for it!
I got the popcorn, and tried to blink back tears as I made my way to room 13. Squeezed into an empty seat. And put the first kernel in my mouth. Enjoyed every salty moment as it desolved on my tongue... Ate another. And another. Slowly... Not in a slow, drawn out anorexic way. Not in a crazed binging way. In a savoring, enjoying, RECOVERED way... I paused several times to gauge my hunger. And finished the whole blasted bag!! Felt a little guilt edging in as I left... Ran into a student that I didn't even know was sitting behind me! I was pretty absorbed by that popcorn bag! ♥
I did check out the nutrition facts on-line when I got home. Just because I wanted to ease my mind and know the "damage." It wasn't bad. Not at all!! :) In fact, it was far lower in calories than I ever would have thought...
Reflecting now... I'm so stinking happy with myself at this moment!!! I haven't had movie theater popcorn in YEARS!!! And I soooo used to enjoy it!! :) And today, I DID!! Even though I checked the calories later, I was on target with my hunger! It's a non-counting day for me today, and I know I'm just fine...
FREEDOM!! I know what it tastes like! -Today it tastes a bit like salty movie theater popcorn. ;0)
I am so envious of you Jen... but in a good way. In your talented writing style you describe so well what that freedom looks and feels like that I am more than ever determined to get there.
My latest "read" "Intuitive Eating" describes it the same way as you did. Enjoying the food, savoring each bite, and guaging your hunger level.
Keep writing about these experiences, Jen. It is sooo inspiring to me and others I am sure.
I forgot to say… I ordered that book after the owner of my clinic recommended it. I haven’t started reading it yet, but I will today. My nutritionist told me last week that I’m making the first few steps in that direction.
this is great jen! wow! i can relate as today i had an ice cream..ha
i had my colonoscopy/endoscopy today for my stomach problems. the prep was horrible! and i couldnt stand the hunger pangs from the clear diet! i was ssoooo hungry! and dizzy! made me wonder how i starved that last year( although last year i ate more than the regimine i had yesterday).
it made me glad i was recovered and missed food and felt huger pangs. now that the doc has helped my tummy a bit, i get more hunger pangs...and ouch!!!! man they hurt!!! geez! so thats what hunger feels like? i havent felt hungry in sooooo long....now i get hungry..wow...
so, my doctor said all came out fine and to keep taking my meds he gave me and see him in a month for what i think will be a diagnosis. he already thinks he knows what it is....but wants to be sure. im glad for this, but feel kinda impatient...but glad he is making SURE. good doctor....
im so proud of you jen, although i havent recovered mentally yet by a long shot, i do beleive ive recovered in the sense i dont starve and do kinda well with working out(although sometimes i DO overexcercise) but you know what?? i dont ever think id do ana again. cause yesterday SUCKED! and i felt horrible not eating....
and i feel so much better now that i do eat....
hunger pangs HURT!!!!
im happy for you jen, very much...
and molly, youll be there too one day, beleive me...
JEN!!!!
This is such a great day for you, so great to hear you talking so positively and in such a happy way... I can't wait for that day again :) You are truly an inspiration and a wonderful person. You should be so proud of yourself!
Lots of Love,
CC
Thank you, friends! ♥ A year has passed... Wow, what a change! :)
Molly, you will ABSOLUTELY recover!! :) You WILL!! Life has lots of ups and downs... It's like riding ocean waves. Things are calmer right now. Floating on a swell. ♥
Maureen, I'm so glad your appointment is behind you! Yay!! I know that waiting for results is hard... But at least the scary test is done. :) Can't wait to hear the results!
My results will be shared with me on the 7th. Fingers crossed! I do NOT want surgery! :0/
CC, it's an incredible feeling, my friend! Keep working at is, sweetie! Keep asking for help and doing everything you can. You CAN be free!! ♥ One day at a time. :)
JEN!! WAY TO GO!! I love that you shared this, but more so, I can just picture you savoring that popcorn, and truly enjoying it in a way that you probably never have before!! There is not a thing wrong with checking on the counts. This strategy has been a successful recovery tool for you! You are not 'counting' in an effort to restrict. Period. It's different. It also proved to you that your perception may not always be accurate. I also love that you are 'listening' to your hunger, whether you are sure you can hear it or not! haha
I am so happy to be witness to your progress AND to the great writing you do as you share with us all.
Love you friend....!!!
p.s. I will be in Houston this time next week!! Woohoo!!
I am so happy to hear this story. This is such a huge step in the direction of recovery. I'm doing a happy dance for you.
My first movie popcorn experience in recovery went something like this, "Can I get a small popcorn please, no salt, no butter. Do you have the nutrition facts available? How about the ingredients? Are you sure there's no butter on this? I need you to double check. This tastes like butter. Hey, can you try this to see if it has butter on it? No butter, huh? Hrm... Maybe I'll blot it with my napkins. I think there's really butter." I don't even remember watching the movie, in fact, I don't even know what I saw, but I would swear it was about butter. :)
Nowadays, I get a small or medium popcorn with no salt (apparently I really truly don't like salt) and only half the amount of butter (because I just don't like soppy wet popcorn). And sometimes I eat it all, sometimes I don't, sometimes I just nibble here and there, but the most exciting part is that I get to order it, and I get to sit there like a normal person with my bag of popcorn.
Jen, going to doctors and getting tests done can be really emotional. I'm glad to hear that you were able to deal with that, then still be able to process your feelings about popcorn and pay attention to your hunger. AND you even know what movie you saw! :)
MH...thank you for sharing. The questions you asked are likely exactly the questions we have all asked about certain foods along the way....you got though it, and you continue to enjoy your popcorn! Yay!
I can see more and more how valuable each of our experiences are, however different, as we all grow each day in a better understanding of our unique and special selves.
Have a great day!! HUGS..Jan ♥
My popcorn didn't have butter, either. LOL! But I have never liked soggy popcorn, either. That's not Ed. Just me. :)
Yes, writing down the name of the movie the same day helped me keep it from slipping away, as I'm sure it would have. :) I remember the things that make a real impact on me. Sitting in that theater, with my bag of popcorn, eating and enjoying it like a normal human being! THAT made an impact! ♥
I've been exhausted lately... Sleeping a lot. And I'm not particularly busy... I think it's the stress and anxiety from all the doctor's appointments. The unknown financial burden. Wednesday... I'll have some answers about my heart... Fingers crossed! ♥
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My nutritionist told me last week that I’m making the first few steps in that direction. 