out of nowhere yesteday, i felt dizzy and a little disoriented. admitting this next bit sucks, but i know that most of you will understand... dizzy and disoriented are not new to me. as all this is getting pieced together, i do see a lot of my self-inflicted ailments. i also have subtle ways of dealing with these ailments. so in my typical fashion, i broke down and got a glass of juice, took a few sips, and laid down for a bit.
i will spare you the gory details of the horrors of what happened soon after. i will say that i could barely stand, was frighteningly dizzy, sweating like crazy, threw up continuously for 30 minutes, and everything in my body hurt. once i made it into bed, i had chills and sweats and terrible aches and pains.
thankfully i did not throw up again. i did, however, suffer with the chills, sweats, aches and pains, and could not move. scary. i couldn't really open my eyes- nor could i see if i did. i had an *i wish i were dead* headache...
i am so very grateful that i am slowly rejoining life today. this could have been so much worse- lasting so much longer.
i'm sharing this b/c i am now faced with yesterday's perspective as i push through the realities of today... of tomorrow... and the next day. the emptiness-chaser in me has historically fallen in love with this extreme emptiness following such an illness. as some sickening giddy part wants to use *fear of throwing up again* as the basis for continued restriction, the part of me that was almost paralyzed with fear yesterday is saying *enough is enough*.
i have no doubt that this little virus hurt me so badly b/c of the severity of what i put my body through. there! i said it! i DO know that how i behave is not normal and is dangerous.
i HATED how i felt yesterday! i hated that loss of control of my limbs and mind. i hated feeling one step closer to being dead.
i vascilate b/t wanting all this **** out of my life and justifying it. this is ridiculous! thankfully it was one day... that it was only a virus... i might not be that fortunate next time. it may last longer. it might not be a stomach flu at all next time... i see many possible and sadly probable dangers lurking in my very near future.
today i followed the b.r.a.t. diet. yes, honeys- i AM eating. everything in me is yelling at me NOT TO EAT... but the residual shaky, tingling numbness in my legs reminds me of the dangers of restriction. my *please shoot me* headache is begging me to do something to get relief. i've had a couple of bites of apple sauce, a few banana slices, picked at some toast... and am now eating rice swimming in a sea of warm ricey broth...
if i can make myself eat today after the horrors of yesterday, i can doooooo this. during my very low point yesterday, i believe i realized that what i have been doing is not enough. it fucking kills me to write this, to admit this, to be more needy. therefore, i am recommiting myself to a mp- to weekly therapy. and am adding that i will look into a step up from what i am trying now. i do not plan on making any huge changes during the holiday season other that commiting to the mp... post holiday, i will take a more serious look at my options.
thank you for witnessing my incessant wailing. it really sucks when you realize how much your life sucks, you know?
namaste
xo