Her tears, they fall down her imperfect face. Her eyes, struck with sadness that none seem to notice. Her smile, fake as the people in her life. Her wisdom, growing stronger but for the wrong reasons. Her lessons, learned from the terrible mistakes of others. When will it end, she asks, when? For 10 years shes been living within a stigma, the terrible D word, the word unspoked even online short of private messages. One year, just one, sheer happiness. It's now unfair, she believes, of the high power to give her such a year, then bring her back to her normal. Normal. What is this, exactly, that people keep throwing out, into her face? Her normal is full of suicidal ideations, homicidal ideations, anything to take the pain away. Anything for someone to notice. Someone. Anyone. Hello? Writing is safe, although it's too much for some to take. No longer safe. Was a place for her to show others the pain inside, boiling, bubbling, overflowing. She got scared, she says, of her own parent unleashing the wrath once never there. Oh the days of rose colored glasses, she remembers, those were the days. The days when people told her outright that they didn't want to know. Those glasses are gone now, but the fire red eyes behind them blaze through the several feet thick walls, several hundred feet tall walls. And you want to help? She asks. You're doing such a terrible job, yet you've been here? You've lived within the stigma of D yet you're talking like this? You're approaching this how? Put your rose colored glasses on, we were such a pair when they were there, mother. You're a better person when you don't know anything. With them, mother, you don't make things worse. Without them, mother, the feelings of unwanted and despair are strongers, harder to bare.
what a powerful emotions u evoke as i read this, its hard when a so called protector fails to support and nuture us thru the painful process of life.
while i desperately feel your pain i cant help feeling sorrow for the women who never seemed to b there at all, mayb it was the crippling illness that held her back or just parenting the way she was parented, whatever the reason im glad u know to reach out and seek help.
yes writing it all down is catheretic and should b applauded, but dont forget to tell others so they can b inspired or reach out to u.
please find it in your heart not to condem the woman who should b charging to your rescue, slaying your dragons and definitely having a different approach but sadly we are all products of our own inhibitions (also D wasnt treated like it is now twenty years ago)
as usual hon im amazed at your perception of the problem and
Thank you for your kind words. I always enjoy positive feedback when it comes to things like this. I never really thought of how things were before my time when it comes to Depression. I know her childhood was terrible I just figured I had gotten the brilliant ability to see through other's eyes (to a point obviously) from her but I guess not. Maybe I'll show her one of these days down the road and see what she thinks. Thanks, as always.
lol thats because u are a product of youth and everything is all about u.
having said that its not just the way we communicate thats changed science has come a long way forward and things that were put down to silly behaviour have now been researched so that the knowledge has expanded, lets be honest when u reach a certain age u dont want to go thru the shame of being told its all in your head, or u get a ticket to the nuthouse.
sadly those were your only choices for a lot of mental health problems so be kind and mayb try to imagine what its like when u meet some one ignorant how much worse it would b for her to face that from a doctor.
Haha my mother keeps telling me that everything is about me. I can't tell if she's joking or not though... Eh.
I get where you're coming from. It was much easier thinking there was something wrong upstairs than hearing it as a diagnosis. I usually have a really good eye for seeing things like that, I donno where my mojo has gone. It's probably being drowned by all the other thoughts.
Personal question if you don't mind, are you a therapist or some sort of mental health official? Not asking so I can seek you out, but because you're so good at talking with people, just looking at you support points tells me that and the fact that you've responded to just about every post I've done and read. If you're not, you should definietly look into it. You'd be a great success.
u belong to the generation of "ME" its not a bad way to b but u seem to forget as a generation the ones before u didnt have all this freedom nor knowledge that u take for granted, also its expected of u the girls to go forth and hold good jobs, earn your own money and have sexual independance, etc
twenty years ago it wasnt quite that simple and technology was still very basic, only a few had computers they cost so much and the generation before them only a few had black and white tvs so all the neighbours use to gather round to watch the important events, so u see u do belong to the me generation.
having said that im proud that u are aware of who and what u are and striving to improve everyday,
mojo is like everything else, it needs juice to fire up the batteries and sometimes u need to go in a different direction to fire up the engines, straight ahead is not allways the way forward.
and for your last question no i dont mind u asking im just a mother of eight foster parent and part time special needs teacher who has been married for 40yrs.
pretty boring really but i have seen and done journey u are just starting on, hope that helps but feel free to ask anything else u want to know
I have the most respect for foster parents, well the good ones at least. I know that there are some really messed up people out there that foster children and just make their lives much worse than it already was.Then there are the great ones that really make a difference in the children's lives. One of my good friends was a foster child and it made her much more aware of things, probably not at a good age, but now she's so wise and understanding. And as for your marriage! 40 years! Wow that's amazing. I don't think I know anyone in my life that has been married that long, or I just haven't heard of them. Congratulations. Its so rare for me to hear of a marriage that actually works and has for a signficiant amount of time.
I am very privileged for all the technology advances, medical, human rights. Now if everyone could just see eye to eye on the gay marriage thing in my country, it'd be all good.
I'm not really sure at this point what direction I'm trying to go about this wall blocking my path.. Probably under it haha. I just don't have a shovel. Shortly after my time on here, I'm making the priority list and I hope that something clicks during it. I'm waiting for that light bulb in my head to flicker on. That's my direction.. I don't have one! Haha. I'm currently staring at the wall with evil eyes with hopes that it will cower away in fear. It's really a shame that walls aren't a being, just a thing.
Yes, I take metaphors way past where they need to be. Some find it amusing, I think that it just makes the point clearer.
Thanks for everything, you really are a gift to everyone you encounter.
first things first to deal with your reply then we will move on
yes i agree good foster parrents can make a huge difference to a childs life, my own family is made up of a mixture of adopted and natural children.
i wont give up being a foster parent untill i have to and thats how i went about my marriage, its an investment in my life therefore it deserves care attention and respect and maintainance,
yes u are priviliged but thats a blessin and a curse, its hard to drag those who have had bad experiences into the present causing as u well no friction. its also not so good that information changes all the time as another reason genetic strain or brain cell is identified. the medical proffesion are as good as the info they retain, or what they are allowed to follow in their practise which is why we have so many specialists.
same sex relationships should b given a place of respect and allowed to do the things that hetro relationships are but that would take more than breathing to sort out, thats to do with generations of stigma and repressed feelings.
and now to the poor defenceless wall....poor wall what has it done to u its just stood there and u want to murder it :D by the way i do have a shovel.
and metaphors are fine but to make your point u have to have one. i think u are just reaching out in need of comfort and hoping to find someone who will side with u then u dont have to do the work yourself, if they empower u that u are right to feel sorry for yourself u will b justified in not taking the next steps
till later gf have a good day
cyber cuddles and loving thougths and positive vibes