A topic for the weekend...do you believe you can control whether or not you have feelings for someone else? Do you want to have feelings, or a relationship, at some point? Do you think you will ever have another relationship?
5 Hearts
Wow. That is a complicated question. Where to start? I don't think you have control over emotions or feelings for someone else. I do believe you have control over your actions and that is what matters in my book. I see a picture of the OW and I get filled with rage, but I don't go and knock-in her teeth.
As for romantic feelings...IDK. I'm reconnecting with my WS and enjoying the closeness again. I am finally allowing myself to trust him and it feels scary and good at the same time. I've always known that there was a greater % than zero that I would have another relationship in my lifetime because of the age difference between myself and my WS. It's not something I've ever looked forward to. It's more or less a truth about my future that I accepted 20 years ago when I decided he was my future.
4 Hearts
@starbucksdevotee I think you are correct…we can’t control if we have feelings for someone. In my opinion, feelings just happen whether you want them to or not. And, I’m talking about being attracted to someone, not being in love. I believe love is something that comes much later after you get to know someone.
I honestly thought by deciding that I never wanted to “like” someone again that I wouldn’t. I really believed I could control that and was blown away when I realized I liked someone even though I hadn’t planned or wanted to. I hadn’t tried to like someone, it just happened. And, I also think you hit the nail on the head regarding if you act on those feelings or not.
Do you find it’s hard not to act on your feelings for someone?
Do you find it hard to ignore your feelings for someone?
I’ve found now that I’m older I’m no longer controlled by my attraction to someone. In fact, I believe I can talk myself out of it, but do I want to?
Too early for me to even think about a relationship as I need to heal. Still I long for someone with whom I could have a healthy emotional/physical relationship. I’ve not had that for many, many years. This NC is hard but I can’t go back to what was.
3 Hearts
@Mystified1992 You are right, NC is the only way to heal and you can’t go back. There was a time after my divorce I would have gone back, thank goodness I didn’t try to do that.
For a while, after my divorce, I was determined to never “like” or be attracted to anyone else. I just didn’t want that, it came with too much potential pain and I’d been hurt enough. I hadn’t changed my mind, but I had healed from my divorce, when out of the blue I found myself attracted to someone.
I think once you heal you’ll be open to another relationship whether you actually want to be or not. And because of what you’ve learned your next relationship has the potential to be much healthier and happier.
I did. It will happened over time.
1 Heart
@johnyun20 Thank you!
I think you can convince yourself you have feelings for someone sometimes. I think you can like the way the attention from someone makes you feel about yourself and from that you can convince yourself that you have feelings for that person.
2 Hearts
@devastatedinptbo Ooh! I think you’re right! I think we can like the attention we get and that can make us feel attracted to someone. But, what if you really don’t get much attention from someone, no more than normal, but you like them anyway? Do you have any idea where those feelings come from?
I think its well known that we cannot control our feelings. We can't control our thoughts either. But as has been stated already, we can control our actions and that is what matters.
2 Hearts
@faithfulless I think you are right…we can’t control our feelings. I’m embarrassed to say I thought I could, but I found out it’s not possible. I take comfort in the fact that I can decide whether or not I act on those feelings.
Your heart feels what it does. I couldn’t imagine dating for so long. It took me 7 years. 7 years to let someone in. 7 years to try to get up the nerve to be open and trust someone. This morning I was upset about something my boyfriend did. I was laying next to him and I told him how I felt. He was so quiet. He listened and then there was silence. I turned away and started to fear what he was thinking. A few tears fell down my cheek. All the ways my ex used to minimize me and insult me when I opened myself up to him came back to me. I was scared. Then I asked him what he was thinking. And he said he was considering what I said and what he could do differently to not make me feel that way. He said he was sorry. I’ve always needed someone to care like this. I’m glad I waited 7 years to heal myself. I’m glad I gave myself a chance to be loved, really loved.
What hell we’ve all been through. But we all deserve love.
3 Hearts
@Lethergo2 WOW…what a great thing to happen to you. Like you, I often get afraid of what people are thinking. I’ll apologize when I think I’ve f’'d up. But, I’m trying really hard to override this lesson my ex taught me.
I’m so glad you’re in a healthy, loving relationship now. You are right…we all deserved to be loved like that!
My problem is that I often don't let myself express my feelings. I'm a "in my head" kind of person and the idea of using my emotions to make decisions is really scary to me. I recently fell in love with someone special, though, and am trying to let my heart lead me.
2 Hearts
@DesertSands I think there’s nothing wrong with letting your heart lead once in a while. I believe you, it is scary, but our instinct counts as part of our intelligence. Sometimes you just have to go with your feelings.
I have a hard time NOT expressing what I’m feeling. I think that’s because I don’t get subtly and I like people to tell me exactly what’s going on. I’m not good at guessing. Now that I’ve been emotionally hurt by my ex, I’ve learned to control my emotions. I can even ignore them if I try. When I was younger I was somewhat controlled by my emotions, but that isn’t true any longer - thank goodness.
Let go, let your heart lead. You may find you’re happier than you’ve ever been!
My answers would be Yes, No, and No. You can turn off in a way that you won't fall in love. I think the loss of control happens subtly AFTER you have already willfully - if not entirely consciously - opened the floodgate.
1 Heart
@Niemand I was just like you. It wasn’t that long ago that my answers would have also been yes, no and no. But, let me tell you, once you’re away from the divorce, once you heal or are healing (and I believe I’m well on my way to that) attraction just comes out of the blue and slaps you in the face.
GirllKitty I was physically attracted to my stbx. When I met him, I thought he was so adorable. I still do. But I also saw a vulnerability in him. This may seem strange, but I have no problem being and talking to men. I get along better with men than women. But romantically, I feel shy and always pull away. He was on the quite side. After a couple of dates, he came on really strong. I feel in love with him fast and hard. I do want to have another relationship someday. But I don't know if I ever will. I think at this point I could control my feelings for someone until I get to know what kind of person they are. I didn't do that with him. I definitely wan to be in love and have another relationship.
2 Hearts
@mmadwaite I honestly thought I could decide not to be attracted to other men and I wouldn’t be. I really thought I could decide to turn off the emotional side of liking someone. And, I felt I had done a good job. I’d been asked out several times and each time I felt nothing. I had no problem saying ‘no’. But, I learned the hard way that I, personally, have no control over being attracted to someone. When it first happened I was shocked and felt like I would just turn it off. But, I couldn’t do that either. I think when we like someone, it just happens and it’s out of our control. Maybe because I’m older or maybe because I’ve been hurt, I can really tone it down a lot. I have even convinced myself that I can turn it off, but I’m not 100 percent sure of that.
@Daniel1018 I believe that’s a good test of whether or not you really like someone…are you thinking about them a lot. Adele has a song about that.