I really resent that for my whole life I seem to be the, "well I've got nothing better to do" friend. It seems that no matter how hard I try to cultivate a friendship, if I am not the one making the effort my phone will literally go days or even months without even a "how are you" from anyone except my mom or or something truly exciting like jury duty. And the couple of times I've tried to either assert myself or express myself, at least one "friend" decided I was "scary" and lots of drama ensued. I know that at my heart I am really clingy and needy and insecure because of my BPD but I think that despite everything I can (usually) make a good friend if sometimes a little too mothering especially since I can keep it if not under control at least hide it mostly. Maybe it's just my BPD talking but I really feel like I am a freak and everyone can sense it. Like we meet and they are like, "wow, this is a really cool girl!" Then we spend more time together and they're like,"wait a second...something is really really off about her....I don't know if I want to be friends anymore" But then there are the few people that I have considered friends or best friends who only call me and say, "wow, I'm so bored right now and thought I'd call you" "or I'm with my friend right now and she's just doing X activity so I've got nothing to do" or even better, "hey let me call you because Im having the same boy problems I've had since I met you but with a new guy and I want advice and to complain. Let's not ever talk about you even when your uncle dies!" Really I'm not exaggerating. Every person. The only people I have ever gotten close to are my boyfriends. That's why I think that people can sense I'm a freak- because they can sense that I just want to have sex with them or be objectified by them- man, woman, my age, older, because that is the only way I know to be close to someone. That's when someone tells me I am worth while is when they want my body. And sex is something I hate more than anything. Sex is pain and heartbreak and lies and rape. Sex is giving a piece of yourself you'll never get back. It's been that way my whole life. Wow. I wrote/exposed a lot more than I meant to. Hopefully any of it made sense.
Hello there! I have gone through waves of varying friendships over the years and finally came to a realization that less is more. I have a hand full of very close friends and everyone else is simply an acquaintance. I used to be surrounded by so many people but I realized that they weren't truly my friends, I was a friend of convenience, a friend when everything was fun and good times. So, when I read your post, I really felt the I could relate on so many levels. When you wrote "hey let me call you because Im having the same boy problems I've had since I met you but with a new guy and I want advice and to complain. Let's not ever talk about you....". Wow, that really resonated with me, most especially because I had quite a few friends like that along the way, even as recently as a couple of months ago. I made a decision that I would rather be alone than with the wrong people. Sometimes it's good and healthy to do a nice "house cleaning" so to speak, it's where you cleanse your life of those people who aren't true friends and are negative in your life.
Please know that you deserve the world and beyond, your true friends will love you for who you are. Life isn't always easy, and it's always so reassuring to know that you have friends who you can count on.
Know that you have a friend in me, and I'm here for you anytime you need me.
Hello there! I'm really sorry to hear that you can relate. It's a **** feeling. I think that that is a decision I've made, but my heart is still trying to catch up with my mind. Eventually it will come to terms with being alone though. In time. Yes, I agree with you completely about house cleaning. It's just for me I have usually done it for the wrong reasons. With my BDP I have a love/adoration- hate/vengeful relationship with people. I am learning to recognize it and reign it in little by little but I still have a long journey ahead before I can safely clean house with the confidence that I am not spiting/righting some ill-perceived wrong. Lately I notice my emotional swings a little bit and I feel like I always have to or am supposed to hide myself (for the chance someone will like me better). I'm told that I am "real" that I don't wear/hide behind the mask(s) that people naturally create for themselves. I am me all day everyday no matter who I am around even if because of BPD that person changes depending who I'm with or what time of day it is. I've come to the conclusion that less IS more with friends and especially with speaking.
Thank you so much. I've never felt like anyone really cared about me like this before and it breaks my heart it feels so nice. If there is anything you would like to share with me, I will also be here to listen and support.
lol this could be a post on it's own. *roll eyes at self*
I have no friends so my phone never rings. I do have 2 family members who call me now and then.
I know exactly how hard and awful a situation that is to be in. Are you close to your family members?
I am so sorry for your pain. I think it's so hard to find true friends. The other day I was talking to someone who I thought was a good friend and I guess she wasn't because she really hurt me. She has been acting different for a while so I guess I shouldn't be shocked. I have been asking her for quite a while to get together and she had said we would go to this concert together. Well, I call her and she said she was going with someone else and acted like she had never even mentioned it to me and didnt try to get together to do something else with me either. It hurt because she knows I have been real down lately so it really hurt that she would be so mean. I realized I just had to let her go and if she wants to be friends let her call me. I'm sorry you are having trouble. Hang in there.
At first while I was reading your comment I thought that maybe it was a situation similar to what I often find myself in- getting hurt by things people might not even realize hurt me. But it sounds like your friend really has changed and I am sorry to hear about that. Some people just can’t deal with those of us who actually acknowledge our feelings, some people can’t deal with others problems. I’ve had a lot of people turn their back on me when life got tough. I really hope that she does call you. Thank you for your kind words.
I hear ya. I have complained to her a lot and maybe she was sick of it...but she complains to me a lot too and I've been there for her also through all her problems. Actually after thinking about it, she never was that good a friend so I think I was kidding myself and only trying to see the best in her. I think she just wanted to be casual friends who talk once in a while, and not do stuff with me I guess. I'm fine with it. I am not perfect either...I actually stopped emailing a lady who wanted to be friends with me but she was a user I felt and half the time I got really bad vibes from her. I probably hurt her, but hey sometimes you have to know when to end things and move on. You don't do anyone a favor by staying if you really don't want to be friends with them. I hate to hurt someone though even if they weren't very nice to me and didn't deserve my friendship. It's hard to find friends that are a good fit!
Maybe she has that (sometimes selfish) mentality of "it's ok for me but not you" -there's a word for that but I forgot it. I just received a very smart comment on a post about my therapy issues
"...if anything doesn't feel right and ok then it's your responsibility to make that known and if things don’t change you need to politely say I need [a change]. You should not feel bad or weird, although I know it's awkward, but this is your life and you need things to maybe be handled a little differently. This is all within the boundaries of acceptable behavior..."
(I'm not siting them by name in case that's weird here) and we were talking about changing therapists but I really feel that this as applicable to life in general. I hope it helps you even a little. I also have a lot of trouble hurting people in anyway to even if its for my health and sanity.
Tell me about it! I guess people would make really bad shoes! (really bad joke about people fitting lol)
Good advice! Thanks..
Me- As I am inside, you are so incredibly kind, thank you for your wonderful words in your comment in response to mine. And, you made me laugh out loud with "lol this could be a post on it's own. *roll eyes at self*". Thanks so much for that :-)
I think that it's good to take time to make sure that you are cleaning house for the right reasons. That's so smart. Thank you so much for that insight. You are so wise! I am in a position where I'd like to clean house of a couple of people in my life, but I'm going to take some time to make sure that I am making the right decision.
And I really do care, so please keep sharing. Sending you big hugs.
I can SO relate. I have no friends. Sure I "know" people; but no one I would call a friend and it's been that way for about 25 years. When I was working I had people who would "act" like my friend and then I discovered that I instead was just fodder for their gossip. I guess that's why I'm gun shy when it comes to making friends; I've been hurt too many times in the past. Then of course my BPD raises it's ugly head and I end up analyzing the whole relationship to death--literally. So I've found it easier to just avoid the whole friendship thing altogether. Which of course is very lonely and I know not healthy, but it is less painful for me. But on the upside for you, I think it's important to go slow in any relationship; not disclose too much too fast and build the trust that it seems so many of us have difficulty with. I wish you lots of luck and remember that there are people who truly do care and can be a friend. Maybe that's one reason I came to this site--was to regain that for myself too, it's a start right?
Brenda, I am sorry for what you went through with friendships. I have been through quite a few ups and downs myself. Now, I really keep people at arm's length until I really know that I can trust them, but it really takes quite some time to get there. A good friend of mine always told me that to him everyone's guilty until proven innocent in personal relationships. He's really been burned quite a few times in friendships, so that's his outlook now. He essentially trusts no one until they give him a reason to.
Thanks puppy. I agree. I've found friendship has too many problems that go with it and I just can't go thru the hurt of it anymore, so it's "safer" for me to be alone. But I have my "virtual" friends on line and my animals.
puppydoglvr, It is my pleasure! I love our conversations! :D I know that you will make the right decisions and for the right reasons!!!!! Those people dont know what they are missing if you want to clean house!
Thank you Brenda, I know exactly what you mean and I am sorry to hear that you have and are going through things like this. BPD is a hard mistress with a heavy hand. That is one of the biggest problems for me, pacing my trust and disclosure. I seem to trust everyone no matter what right off the bat. Sometimes I really try to change my approach to thinking people start off like in school with the highest grade but have to prove themselves to keep it while I just keep my big mouth shut!! I try to be very very mysterious and vague irl even though I still mess up.
Thank you for your kind words. I think it is a very good start and I know I am very happy to have you as a co-member!
I feel the same way
I sometimes feel lonely with the lack of friends I have. And I have felt like that before, No matter what I do to try and keep friends or make friendships I just fail completely. I have BPD also... I dunno if it's hard for me cause of that? I dunno. But It's like they aren't interested in me. I like, draw them in, they like me for a bit... and then they see the awkwardness of me and it's not even the REAL me yet and it's like I'm too boring. I only have two close friends and they are both sisters. I also have a boyfriend who I feel is truly the only one who I can connect with 100% in almost every way but we live an hour and a half away but I'm fine with that now. I used to be scared sh*tless about being left by myself and alone so I'd put up with abuse from sh*tty friends just so I wouldn't be alone. But now I've learned how to be by myself. And maybe just having these three people in my life is enough. It's really hard, life that is, But there will be one or two or maybe more people that you will end up meeting who will like you for you and all the freakish parts about you. Quality not quantity. It's sometimes even hard for me to have two friends though... I get hurt sometimes... You'll always get hurt with relationships, And having BPD I know makes it a billion times harder to handle the hurt but every time you get through it you get stronger. But yeah sorry I think I started to ramble lmao.
No you didn’t ramble at all!!! You described my situation and feelings almost exactly!!! I do believe that BPD makes it so much harder! I am always second guessing and questioning myself and everything/one else. I am always afraid and paranoid and waiting to be hurt. And I feel like I didicate so much of my energy to someone I dont have anything left over for friends which is why my only friend is usually my bf… at least that is a pattern I notice.
Over the years I have learned that at least I think I am really ok and actually likeable but I can never seem to see it or trust it. I bet the same is true for you.
I hope you’re well.
Sincerely,
me
Thanks for sharing your insight on friendship. I too feel I go the extra mile most of the time. It seems for me also that the only time my friends are available is when their either fighting with their boyfriends, and they need my advice. I don't get that--- when I'm dating a guy I still make time for my friends. And for the most part the guys I've gone out with were open to me making time for my friends. I like when they make time for their friends too. You have to have a full well-rounded life. I hate being USED!!