ADP - Anti-social Personality Disorder

Hi, I'm new to the group. I am suffering with Depression/Avoidant Personality Disorder/Mild OCD/Severe Anxiety at times.

I feel that I'am constantly being watched.

When I have to go out in public or go anywhere in public, I never look up and never engage in eye to eye contact with anyone.

My mind is constantly filled with scattered and broken thoughts. I can obsess over the smallest thing for days at a time. The worst is obsessing over other people's judgement of me. It's crippling me emotionally because of my own preceptions of what I think they're thinking of me.

I've been depressed for over a month now. I don't have access to any mental health doctors. I've been out of work for almost 2 years due to the recession and just recently went back to work, but have to get past the 90 day probation period to get medical/mental help. But when I do get it, I don't want them to know that I'm seeing a mental health doctor. They will probably fire me.

I've suffered with severe Anxiety and Depression all of my life and I've been on meds for years.

The worst of it is the constant fear of being judged by other people/strangers and the fear of them saying anything negative to me.

Other than work, I stay inside my apartment and will rarely ever have the shades open, because I feel that there are people trying to look in at me to see what I am doing, even though I'm on the 2nd floor and they can't really see in because I'm up so high.

The depression I'm experiencing right now seems to be severe. I feel as though I can't think clearly, it's like my mind is in some kind of a lock-down mode. My emotions are blocked or seem to be shut off. I feel that I don't care about anything. Overall, I'm a neat freak, but right now my apartment is a disaster! If you saw it right now you would say that I am also a hoarder. But the things that are lying around are things that I've started to do, but have given up on shortly after starting them. It's like, what's the point? If I end up losing my job, I have to pack it all away in boxes and move it to storage.

These past 2 years I've gone through some very hard times, becoming unemployed in 2008 and out there every day trying to find work. I went on so many interviews, over and over, but never got hired. Finally, 2 years and 2 months later, I landed the job that I have right now. But, I am now living in constant fear that they are going to fire me before my 90 days are up.

I have severe paranoia on a daily basis and I'm socially inept, not very good at socially interacting with others, which you have to do while your working at a job. Right now, I have to answer the phones and when I have to speak to a perfect stranger, it literally terrifies me and sends me into severe panic mode because I stumble over my words. I don't know how to talk to people. Thus is the reason I always look down at the ground while I'm walking out in public.

I have no friends and rarely talk to my family.

You have friends right here to talk with whenever you want to. Thank you for sharing your story because your helping others out there that will read this & learn that THEY are not alone, I admire you for that.

As for seeking counseling, after your 90days are up, it is confidential so try & keep that in mind & it will assist you in feeling more comfortable & at ease with yourself. Please be good to yourself as it will take time, there are no quick fix remedies & if one counselor doesnt seem to fit w/you then seek another one. Please keep posting so others can learn from your experiences & we're all here for you.

Take care of you.

April

Hi April,

Thank you for your kindness and support. I’m so glad to have found this site. I need help and input from others.

I’ve been so low lately. I can’t seem to shake it off or make it go away.

I will keep trying.

Thank you,
s.o.c.

Your welcome & keep talking w/us til you can get some assistance, there are lots of people here feeling the same way sometimes & that can relate to how your feeling if you choose to look around this site then you'll realize more each day that you really arent alone.

I'll be thinking of you.

April

Hi. I can completely relate to what you are going through. I recently graduated college and was lucky enough to land a job that I really like and relates to what I want to do. However, I constantly have the fear that they are going to fire me and regret hiring me. I have made a lot of mistakes since I started, some bigger than others, and I am a nervous reck. I can't concentrate on what I'm doing and I always feel that I am messing things up. On top of all of that I have social anxiety. Just the thought of having to say good morning to my coworkers is exhausting. I wish I could work at home so I would feel more comfortable. I always always think people are judging me and I too can't look people in the eye. I always think that they think I'm weird and antisocial. I stumble over my words also and have trouble coming up with what to say in a conversation. I recently started seeing a therapist who is helping a little bit. She told me that it really helps to write down what I am feeling. At first I was skeptical, but I actually tried it and it really does help. I have been trying to find some support groups around where I live but they are so hard to find. If anyone has any ideas where i can find some support groups for this around the Philadelphia area that would be a huge help. Thanks for listening.

1 Heart

Anxious, Welcome to SupportGroups. You talk beautifully & not one stumble in describing how your feeling. I admire you for talking w/us here & sharing. Good for you in seeking therapy it takes a strong person to do that & see it through, please let us know how its going, good, bad, or indifferent so others can learn by your experiences. I'm not sure what other options in your area are available, am sure others here will though.

Take care of you.

April

To cover all the earth with sheets of hide, where could such amounts of skin be found???
but simply wrap some leather round your feet, and it is as if the whole earth had been covered.

My advise is to wrap some leather around your emotional psyche.

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted for quite some time, but I've been suffering for so long and thought that I would post in hopes of finding some sort of support, if it is possible?

My grandmother who lives 2,500 miles away from where my mother and I live is in the process of dying. She is 93 and her health is failing. She calls my mother 3 to 4 times daily because she is afraid of going through the dying process. She is a Christian and her faith is strong, but even so, she is still afraid.

This reaching out by my grandmother to my mother and my mom helping her to prepare for death is causing me to constantly fixate on my own mothers death! My mom and I are best friends and because of my OCD, she is pretty much my only friend.

My mother, who just turned 70 years old is a 50+ year, 3 pack a day, chain smoker. Believe me, myself and all of my siblings over the years have gone to war with her so many times to get her to stop smoking, but she just absolutely REFUSES!

Now she has recently been diagnosed with COPD and chronic emphazema.

Now all that I can think about is her dying. I am so angry at her for refusing to stop smoking. I've told her how angry I am at her, but she doesn't seem to care and puffs away right in front of me.

In July of 2010, she spent 7 days in the hospital and underwent minor surgery and even though it was minor surgery, with her health being so bad, it was a life and death struggle. My middle sister and I went through it with her, staying by her side at the hospital.

Since that happened, I constantly think of her dying. When she dies, I don't want to stay behind.

My mother means so much to me, she's my only true friend and the only person who fully understands me. Because of my OCD, I have so many barriers, so many walls surrounding me. People in my past have hurt me and like many of you, I could write a book on how I've been hurt.

The only way I've learned to deal with the hurt is to cut the people who have hurt me completely out of my life! I can't and will not allow them to hurt me again.

I have learned to, if you will, "act". I "act" normal at work and I've learned to mimick what others do. I can quickly respond to topics and answer on que the appropriate answer or I respond to whomever and whatever the subject is about at that moment in a way that's believable. I have learned to do this as a survival mechanism, to be able to stay employed. Sometimes, I don't respond appropriately and find myself misunderstood.

But, to get back to my reason for posting, I am now constantly thinking about my mother dying. When she dies, I don't want to be here either anymore. I'm not going to be able to face it or get through it!

I know that a lot of you will think to say to me, go out and make some new friends! Get a life!

I cannot; and regardless of my most sincerest intentions to do so, I am incapable of trusting anyone with my feelings.

I cannot take anyone hurting me anymore or causing me to feel any worse about myself than I already do.

Love and friendship is needed by each one of us, but allowing yourself to feel these basic human emotions, also leaves you wide open to being hurt.

Say, there are two doors in front of you. One says Love and Friendship and the other says, Betrayal and Abandonment. Which door would you choose? Of course, you would choose the door that says Love and Friendship.

I would choose neither but would rather go through the rest of my life alone than to be subjected to any more rejection and emotional pain from another human being.

Life is so hard, it's so hard to be here!

Why?

Just enjoy your mother & stand tall for her & your family, talk to your mom as much as you can, enjoy surrounding yourself w/your loving family.

All my strengths friend.

April

I can understand what you are saying regardig not being able to trust people and having no friends. I have always had a difficult time trusting people and always end up getting my feelings hurt by most people I meet. However, I have noticed that as I get older I feel lonlier and that is causing me to have more severe depression. I tend to stay away from family because I find that they are the onece that criticize the most. It kinda hurts that I can't get close to people and I always feel like a wierdo. I find that I make most people uncomfortable; however, my pshychologist says it's all in my head and that I'm being peranoid; however, I really feel that I don't fit in with anyone. It's hard to think about losing the only person you are close to. I would recommend you try to not think of your mother dying because that will cause you anxiety and depression and just try to enjoy the time you get to spend with your mother.