Advice from those that have recovered from infidelity? Ba

Advice from those that have recovered from infidelity?

Background:

My fiancee told me on the 23rd of April that something was wrong with our relationship but she didn't expand and something felt off, I continued to ask her what was wrong, how can I/we work to make things better, as the weeks went by the details started to come out. I had been depressed during the lockdown, as my business was closed yet again, I was injured so couldn't run and we had bought a puppy back in September which was in it's teething stage and as I was the one at home with it all day it was doing my head in. She had continued to the whole time as she is a teacher, but in the past where she'd come home and get a bit of time to chill before I would come home from work, she now was met by e and the puppy both bored having been stuck with nothing to do all day. This had left her feeling a little trapped in our relationship and I can that now.

But what she did was build an emotional connection with her Personal Trainer, which then became a physical connection, and she new I had been cheated on in a previous relationship and got to a place where she had got herself too deep to tell me, she wanted to push me away as she didn't feel she deserved me, and she had got herself to such a dark place she had even tried to commit suicude. This personal trainer had also tried to commit suicide several times himself and so he related to her on this and that furthered their bond.

As I say the weeks went by and the details came out. I love and still do love this woman, I still want to be with her, but I know she is so confused with what it is she wants. I have finally left our home, 3 months after DDay and 1 month after I have leanrt all the details.

We tried couples counselling the last month but events just kept occurring, the Personal Trainer, threatened to coe and kill me, and having learned his history from the press, of which he served a 10 year prison sentenced for assault, armed robbery and kidnapping, obviously I was very concerned. It didn't comfort me when my fiancee said that he wouldn't hurt me as it would hurt her too much.

So having moved out now, she finally seems to have maybe woken up and seems to have realised what she is going to lose in me and us, she is still seeing our couples counsellor as she has a lot of traumas from her passed which I believe have played a major role in the events that have occurred, from her father negleteing her and beating her, to her mothers neglegt and then marrying a man who sexually abused her younger sister and made her dress in front of him and fitted cameras in her room to spy on her when she was a teenager. To being raped at 14 trying to escape her home in what she thought was the safety of slightly older teenage boys who were rugby players etc.

So all this I can see has left her traumatised, struggling to attach to others and let herself remain vulnerable and intimate in our relationship when things got tough as I went through a period of depression and left her without that feeling of safety from me.

What I wonder is she now says after I having moved out, that it has woken her up, that she wants to work on her and do everything she needs to help her and help us get back to being the partnership we once were and better than that. And I so want that to be true as I love her so much. But how do you trust the words, surely there needs to be actions and how do you know if they are the right ones? Plus can you recover I've listened to podcasts, and read articles etc. that say you can, that say that many that do are stronger than ever, but that its hard work and both of you need to be willing to work, of which I am.

Thanks in advance for any advice or experiences shared, take care all.

sounds like your wife may have a long road to recovery ahead of her. You might want to think about if you want to wait and for how long in order to see what future choices she makes. Put your recovery first and allow her to be responsible for hers.

1 Heart

@andine This is good advice. It sounds like the wife has A LOT of her own personal issues that she needs to get figured out. Probably a lot of this contributed to the affair, and will continue to be a problem if she doesn’t work on them.

@jamiemaddrox2020 @andine

Thanks, yes I knew about all these traumas from very early in our relationship and I had suggested she needed to speak with someone but she had always seemed strong and independent and I never wanted to force her to talk to someone. But she is now working with the counsellor we had been doing some couples counselling with. I have said to her that I love her, and that I will wait for to work through these things and hopefully be able to come home and support her as she works on them, but I know she needs some space for now to do so.

I know it seems mad to just be able to forgive and to want to wait for her, but before the affair, she made me happier than I have ever been in my life and she always encouraged me to go after my goals and dreams, and I don't want to give up on her because of something that she says she regrets and that I can see huge rational for happening from her past, without obviously excusing that she was wrong to do what she did, and she does need to prove to me if we are to get back together that she is ready to have the grown-up relationship and partnership we both deserve.

1 Heart

Well done to you for reaching out. My wife finally came around when she realised that she was losing me. She had previously thought it would pass but when she realised that wasn't the case she started putting in the efforts needed to get us back. It's now almost 9 years later and we're both still trying and growing.

1 Heart

@stepbystep2021 thanks for replying, it’s great to hear from an actual person who has been through it and has made it work.

May I ask, after the affair how did you know what your wife was saying when she recommitted was real and not just more words because she didn’t want to hurt you further?

Words just don’t cut it after infidelity. It’s definitely her actions you need to pay attention to. Hopefully she is learning new strategies in therapy for coping with her insecurities and other issues. Is she being more transparent with you in terms of friendships and social media? Has she made changes to any unhealthy communication patterns? On her own accord, is she being proactive in terms of educating herself about infidelity trauma and what you are going through? etc etc… Typically a betrayed spouse needs to observe real changes in their partners over time in order for trust to be rebuilt and real forgiveness to occur. Sometimes the betrayed spouse is so keen for everything to go back to the way it was, that they forget that “the way it was” really wasn’t working well. It’s just a familiar place. I would suggest focusing on yourself, your recovery and changes you need to make in order to build a healthier relationship, while observing her efforts. Give yourself a timeframe - like 6 months - and then take a hard honest look and do a real accounting of where you’re both at at that point.

4 Hearts

@devastatedinptbo it can be a pitfall for us to sometimes rewrite the past into a perfect dream scenario. Friends and family can possible help us remember reality if we are having difficulty with that. I like the idea of a time limit to mark progress.

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