I have not been on here in a while. Its been a long few months. They have kicked my ***. I have been sitting here reading posts, trying to figure out, well i dont even know what i am trying to figure.
I didnt think or realize there was something wrong with me until the past year. Now its a constant on my mind. I am always on the fence on if i have a problem or not, but i can be honest to a computer screen, i do have a problem.
I went to therapy for a month and had to move. I was kinda forced to go for the month so when i moved i stopped. I went to support groups thinking i cold relate better an find more "answers" . I feel asif it got me more lost, trying to figure out a good fix to the problem. No fix came about. I was typically the only male in the group so i guess i was uncomfortable, even though i really couldn talk with males about it either due to the fear of them laughing. SO i keep it in. It sux. i hate myself by the second. I think i should be able to beat this, so i feel week for not. I feel like i dont have a problem, so i keep trying to lose more weight. there really isnt much else without just cutting it off.
I moved back by my family, pretty much across the country, thinking it would help, being by my brothers and friends. My opinion, its worse, its made me depressed. I hide so i dont have to be asked to go out to eat with friends. I work in an office pretty much alone so i skip lunch, and breakfast daily. its never an option unless i do have company that day, then i skip more than normal and hate myself more.
I have been looking for support groups, cause i wanna go now, but i missed tonights and probably wont want to go tomorrow, the desire to change my ways is always in an out.
My insides have been sore or hurting more as of late and i get the worst heachaches daily/nightly. i have a feeling why but dont wanna admit it.
The past few days ive been feelin like this just isn't the place for me. But i dont know where that place is. I p***ed on a good inpatient opportunity, kinda wish i hadnt but. Now i have lost my insurance and am not sure if i still could. i have thought about moving in with my parents to get better but i feel like that would make me more depressed. im too old for that in my mind, i should be able to handle it.
I really have no idea what i am to do. I dont wanna open up to anyone i know, cause it makes me embarressed and divides us cause i dont wanna face them. My friends are always saying how small ive gotten and i wanna just blurt out i havnt eatin in a couple days, mayyyybee thats why, but then id get 100000 questions, id rather not.
if anyone has any advice, i would be forever gratefully
sincerely,
struggles