I don't know why I am waking up like this but its definitely on the wrong foot. Yesterday I followed my food plan really well, and felt okay. This morning, though was originally determined to follow it again, I couldn't! My ED voice won't shut up for five seconds... I can't even grab for a bowl of cereal or even a stupid piece of fruit. I feel guilty for eating yesterday. Ugh I hate today, I just want it to be over. I know I should eat, but I am not even hungry. I don't know if I actually am not hungry, or my ED is telling me I am not hungry. I feel like a failure for the day. Its almost like I take one step forward and two steps back....
one day at a time thats what it takes im only on my first day and i feel guilty about eating because the old me would usually be "making up" for my binging episodes but we all have to take it one day at a time yeah its going to be tough but in the long run well be stronger than the average joe because we are actually facing and changing our harmful patterns instead of giving up we need to remember the famous old cliche rome wasnt built in a day
This is where that "mechanical" eating piece becomes so important! You KNOW you didn't eat too much yesterday. Your meal plan is your prescription, and it dictates the right dose of medicine (food) for you! So, if you followed it, you gave your body what it needed. Of course, the ED is likely totally pissed by this! He'll tell you all kinds of lies! And the anxiety you're likely feeling very often kills appetite. So... The HARDEST part is eating mechanically in spite of a lack of hunger!! I KNOW you don't want to! I KNOW Ed is yelling at you! I KNOW it might feel painful... But your RECOVERY is dependant upon your ability to do this!! Yes, you'll have slips. But the important thing is to recenter yourself, dig into recovery with blind stubborness, and ACT in the OPPOSITE direction as Ed. ♥ You CAN do this! You CAN! ♥
YOu are right. Thanks so much for the support. I'm just having a bad day. Despite EDs voice, I had a little lunch. Thanks for getting me through a tough moment :)
I must say, I hate how it has come to this. How the only way I feel I can control things is by controlling what I eat??- something I need to survive. Its so messed up. I hate mechanical eating...I hate eating. It makes me so upset, I never enjoy it. I wish I could go back to when I was little; so excited for that peanut butter sandwich or ice cream. Things I am so afraid of now...
I hate mechanical eating, too... I really, really do... But it's important to push through it, especially in the beginning. Doing so will help your body learn to expect the food that it needs, repairing your metabolism, and returning sensations of actual hunger. I, too, remember with awe the feelings food used to bring me as a kid... I remember my mom's homemade biscuits... And the way my dad would mix butter and honey into a scrumptious concoction that made everything taste better! ;0) I loved mint chip ice cream. I used to pick out the chocolate chips and save them for "dessert". Ha! But food could also be punishing... Tense, emotionally restrained dinners when my dad was angry and drinking... Forced to eat food I didn't like and clean the plate I wasn't responsible for filling.
Food = Energy. Pure and simple. Yes, there are cultural components, family recipees and traditions, even religious reasons to eat certain things at certain times or to stay away from certain things at certain times. But... shouldn't food be more than a reward or a punishment? Should it EVER be punitive at all?? Doesn't that send the wrong message? I'm frustrated. I, too, want to enjoy my food for the pleasure it can offer. I don't want to think about all the "shoulds" that so often dictate my food choices. I don't want to analyze each food's content. I don't want to imagine what it's "doing to me". I want to go back to the simple enjoyment of honey/butter biscuits. Yum. ♥
i am totally on the same wagon i miss not feeling guilty for eating something "bad" or drinking something other than water and when i drank other stuff besides water like soda and hot chocalte and sugary coffe drinks all the time and didnt care didnt let it concern me why cant i go back to this why i dont know god knows im trying but the last couple of days i feel like im moving too fast like im just going to revert back to my restricting binging ways because i keep eating what i want when im hungrey and drinking what i want when im thirsty but in the back of mind theres that voice this is going to make you fat you need to start exercising again your going to gain so much weight during recovery and the more i research these are normal feelings and actions to experience during recovery saying food is off limits for so long are telling yourself you can eat that box of cookies today but tommorow a jello and a banana then its time to up the intensity of your exercise you have to "make up for this" when does this go away when do i go back to being care free and all i see on t.v is diet plans and warnings of an unhealthy diet and exercise has to be done or everyones going to be obese and diabetic heart patient plus you just wont look good why are these commercials on they plague me they haunt me they make me feel bad for wanting to recover they make me want to go back to my restrictive ways tommorow when i know that telling myself that certain foods are off limits is going to through me right back into the old restrict exercise restrict binge restrict exercise routine that by every thing in my soul i swear i am out of im trying so hard to not think about tommorow as in the foods im going to eat and not eat to make up for eating like i use to like i have been for the last to days back when food didnt rule my life when i could eat a cookie then not say eat the rest then restrict no when i could eat and say that was a good cookie and that be the end of it