After 40 years of a very difficult marriage (including three separations) and a VERY bad period lately...
...my wife says she is leaving me!!!
Part of me feels relieved....
...but the biggest part of me feels abandoned and scared!!!
...(THIS must be the part that has kept us getting back together.)
But I purely feel very alone and scared now!!!!
I don't know if for everyone change is scary but for some it is.I know it's scary for me I know it's only a matter of time before this marriage of mine ends.The thaughts scare me but what's important is knowing whats best for you.I held on to my first marriage out of fear of the unknown for years and was trapped in a bad situation.Thats not the way to be an its normal at first to be lonely an scared it will pass with time.I really believe time is the key for you it was an is for me.One other thing I have found to be helpful is do something you have always wanted to but for what ever reason didn't get too.A new hobby can be helpful as well.Hugs to you I been there an I'm headed there again time really is the key.
Hi Greg
I hope you are ok?
Please dont be scared - I left my partner after 16 years, if they are controlling which he was, they condition you into thinking you cant be without them, but you can. I was scared also, as I was 46 and had a little boy of six and I just left on a wing and a prayer..he kept telling me know one would want me that I was rubbish and too old to meet anyone else.
It was hard at first but eventually I began to smile again.
I hope you do too
Lorraine
Gregczar,
Take it from another guy... you will get through this. After being married for 22 years my wife left me last month. I was scared, alone and abandoned didn't know what to do. I found out that you need to work it one day at a time. You will over come the fear.
Its hard on us guys as well, our ego gets bruised, we cry etc. its alright it happens. Find people to talk with, Pastor, therapist a co-worker. Its amazing how just talking with people about your situation helps with the pain and scariness.
Write us back here often. There are a lot of us in here that can share our experiences with you. Day by day Greg... you will get through it.
Hi Gregczar, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Your feelings are normal if you ask me. The thought of starting over is very scarey regardless of who left who and why. I had that same feeling of being scared and also have felt very lonely at times. It's kind of like you said, at first you think shreewww, I feel relieved because this hasn't been working for a really long time! Then you have days where you absolutely hate the idea of having to get divorced.
I like Vman's message to you a whole lot! He's definitely got the right way of thinking lined out for you as one man to another.
I'll put you in my prayers to feel better with each day that passes. Sunshine!
Kisorheather - Great idea to plan new things!!! It helps me get out of this downer stuff.
Charlesmummy - I liked you comment on "controlling". I didn't realize it, until an old friend pointed it out, that that was exactly what was going on. She "used" me in some big ways, and I wasn't even aware of it. (I was the one that tried for most of our 40 years to work on myself (and therefore also our marriage), while she did nothing! (Her main contribution was to throw temper tantrums! .....And she always got away with them!! (It wasn't just me. Everyone was too afraid of her to confront these!))
Vman - Thanks for the advice. One thing i have found is that in talking to a lot people, keeps me "anchored" better. I'm trying not to "panic" (especially over the money stuff!!!!).
Sunshine - Hi again. We haven't talked for a while. I'm so glad you're still here! You have been awesome. (Your name reminds me soooo much of a person I met at a ACOA meeting tonight. I used to think this AA type work was never ending (very depressing). But at today's meeting, she showed that it wasn't!!! She told us that she feels "free" now!! And you could see it. (She she really was "eventually sunshine".)
Oh yeah, I'm still here Gregczar! I had a couple of bad spells that I just dropped off the face of the earth for a week or so each time, but I'm doing better right now and hoping it sticks around. Sometimes the stinking depression feels like my worst problem and other times panic and anxiety attacks make me feel the worst. If those two things snuggle up together....I'm toast!! I mean BURNT UP TOAST!!!!
You know, I have a girlfriend that I've been best of friends with since we were both in diapers and grew up across the street from each other.....she's been involved with AA and ACOA for a little more than 16 years and she loves it and she tells me if she doesn't go to her meetings at least three or four times a week she gets real grouchy because that's where she gets her peace and strength. I think it sometimes is depressing (according to her anyway) when people share their stories because everyone is basically on a different page working the programs depending on when they started. But I do know from her it works! Out of her family of seven (including her parents), six of the family members struggled with dependency. Now only two do, everyone else kept going back and it worked! So, hang in there and you'll end up looking forward to it....at least that's what my girlfriend has told me for 16 years!
Sort of "Sunshine"! --- don't worry, it's apparently a slow process!! 8-)
Sunshine,
The info you passed along about the co-dependents' success, is EXTREMELY good news!
I'm going to pass it along to the people I know in these programs. That is GREAT news.
Re your ongoing battle with depression, I took prozac and a bunch of others for about 15 years, with only mixed results...
...then i discovered that our family had a history of Seasonal Affective Depression (SAD).
So I got a SUNBOX light and use it every morning every for about a half hour...
...stopped taking all those meds, and now...
...I almost NEVER have depression!!!
Hope that helps.
Hmmmm....a sunbox might be worth trying! My doctor has me on medicine that is suppose to help with depression and the panic and anxiety attacks and he just keeps increasing my dosage, and it's not doing anything but over medicating me I think, making me feel like doing absolutely nothing, but still in the same mood. Also, even though my mom still to this day denies it, she has been seriously depressed since I was only 13 or 14 years old and she flat out refuses to take any medicine for it or do anything. It all started when she got cancer and thought she wouldn't live long enough to see us all grow up, and from there it just got worse and worse. I don't want to become my mother and live within four walls, not wanting to get dressed up and go out anywhere if I don't absolutely have to. I'll Google where I can get a sunbox and see if that will help. Thanks Greg!!!! Sunshine!
Sunshine,
Re your mom, one of the stupid traits of depression, is that it is one of the only "illnesses", that makes you not want to get better! I feel soooo bad about your mom living in that awful "hole" for sooo long, when there is help out there.
Have you thought about an "intervention" of some sort???
OMG! WHAT am I doing?
It JUST hit me that "Am I going to have to give her "support each month now"?"
How is the WORLD am i going to do that. I don't know how I'm going to be able to support MYSELF!!!
This whole notion of DIVORCE is simply IMPOSSIBLE...
...simply for financial reasons!!!!!!
I'm back to "trapped"!!!!!!
...except that things may already be in motion!!!
Hi, Greg! Don't worry about the support part yet, that varies from one case to another. Whether you would maybe have to pay maintenance to her for a while depends on what her income was and what yours has been. If she has been a home person and 100% dependent on your income alone, a judge will most likely have you pay a certain amount per month to her for a period of time. But, if she's been working and has an income too, I don't see it happening that you would pay maintenance to her. The only reason I was awarded maintenance was because I was 100% dependent on my now ex and kept at home by his choice way more than mine, so a judge did set up maintenance for me.
Don't worry, it's still very much up in the air and no one has filed for divorce yet, and when it comes right down to it, you may end up not getting divorced. Like you've said, you two have always gotten back together. I'd just hang tight, try not to worry about the "what ifs" that maybe won''t even come to fruition. You both may decide you want to save your marriage and pull it back together....stranger things have happened!!!!
Thanks for your concerns about my mom. She'll never change or get help. I tried the intervention routine with her and she went ballistic at the idea of us telling her she needed help and "how dare you say these things to me!" She didn't speak to me (being the only daughter, she was the most made at me) for a lot of days and that's SO not like her. She's set in her ways, she doesn't want to get better because this is what she has come to accept as her way to live. I'd go CRAZY, and there's no way I'm putting up living with being depressed my whole life....hell no!!!!!! I'm going to make my way to that "sunshine" feeling come hell or high water!
Stay cool Greg, everything is going to be just fine!!!! Sunshine!
Well, that certainly puts a different spin on things.
My wife (of forty difficult years or marriage,) is now leaving SUNDAY morning to
…end this marriage,
…and go take care of her ill mother in Hawaii!!
So while I was having all these usual “doubts”, this pretty much settle things, except…
…now I am in shock!!! (At the speed of all this.)
I guess I’m overwhelmed, and a bit scared, right now!!!
...and feeling very vulnerable!!!!
OMG Greg, I'm shocked at this too! I'm so sorry!!! There I was saying you two have always pulled back together and now I feel really bad for saying that to you. I'm sorry I was trying to give you hope, I didn't see this coming at all. You're right, the speed of all this is overwhelming and not what you expected.
Let's try to think on the positive side of the road. If she can so easily up and take off so fast after 40 years with you, something is really out of sync with her and you deserve better than this kind of treatment from someone you've spent that much time with. I think you're a great person who will find yourself happy again before too long. Just take one day at a time, hang in there, and simply do the best you can. Things will get better for you!!!
Sending you lots of hugs, Greg! Sunshine!
Well, it looks like she's definitely moving all the way to Hawaii, tomorrow!
I'm starting to go into the downhill slide right now!
This rollercoaster ride is ridiculous. For so long THIS is pretty much EXACTLY what I wanted,..
,,,for her to be REALLY gone.
Now it looks like I'm GETTING IT...
...and THIS makes me miserable!!!!
WTF?
Is it SUPPOSED to be like this???
Hi Greg
How are you today? I hope this email finds you well my friend x
When you live with a person for as long as you have, you make helping them your whole life, you do not care about your own health or well being all that matters is that they are ok.
One day you wake up (and it seems you have) and realise that its not working, you tried to help them all you can, and nothing works.
Once you realise this and to re-iterate I think you have, and that is why you are finding this so difficult, the only thing left to do is let them drop to the floor and fall. But because you are a caring person you don't want this to happen because, not only does it hurt to see the person you once loved fall and hurt themselves, it also negates all the effort and support you have put in through the years making it seem like a waste of your time and life. The final part of lettng go is realising that you sometimes have no option but to save yourself and jump, my friend, for the shore before it goes out of view.
Your wife can only get help because she wants to, not because she is doing it for you.......SHE will already have her life jacket strapped on, believe me. She doesn't care about you, or the life boat you are getting in.
You, my friend need to strap yours on, AND FAST....because that shore is disappearing minute by minute ....now, get your life jacket, strap it on tight, and JUMP into the water and swim for your **** life. But remember friend, as you feel that cold water immerse you, drag you under, and it renders you helpless that feeling only lasts for a few seconds....... because as sure as anything, you ARE going to come back up for air, you ARE going to float, and you will realise that all of what as happened was ONLY a waste of time and your life, if you don't make to the beach in time for tea...... (see you there, the drinks are on the bar)
GOOD LUCK
Lo x
Charliesmummy
Thank you so much!!! You cannot believe how timely your words are! I just woke up (at 400 in the morning) feeling incredibly LOST and abandoned because my wife (of 40 years) will be GONE!!!
I feel sick!!!
I am a grown, educated, professional, mature man... and yet I feel that ALL that means nothing, because tomorrow morning I will be...
...soooo ALONE!!!!
(And even though I feel we really are doing the right thing and the best thing for us both (finally)...
,,,it doesn't seem to change the alone thing!!!
Hi Greg
Your are not alone I promise.
"There is no lonlier place than a marriage that is going wrong"
What you are not realising G, is you have been on your own in that marriage for a long time. You don't actually need your wife, its your wife that needs you. In a while that FACT is its going to dawn on you.
When she leaves today, if she goes to 'type' she is going to leave stuff in the house, watch for this as she will use it as an excuse to come back, they all do it, to leave their foot in the door. its up to you whether you have her back.
The second thing she will do is NOT say 'goodbye'
I was told once if you want somebody back force them to say goodbye, try it....(thats if you want her back!)
Today if I were you I would watch with your eyes DO NOT listen to what is being said to you....if you really want to know what is going down USE your EYES NOT your ears.....they NEVER fail you
Lo x
ps......Do not plead with her to stay either...do not cry, scream or beg either
She knows your weakness is you are frightened to be alone.....and you are still playing to her controlling by letting her know...
...when she walks out out of that door just let her go shut the door or go out, DON'T phone her, let her think you dont give a rats arsehole....
even if, when you get back you breakdown and sob your guts out...
NOTHING INFURIATES a controlling person MORE than to see you dont give a crap, and nothing brings them BACK faster either.
GOOD LUCK
Lo x
WOW....charliesmummy has really brought up some good points Greg. My favorite is "There is no lonelier place than a marriage that is going wrong". That is one of the truest statements ever. As bad as you feel with the ups and downs of it all, even if you didn't completely realize, you've actually already been living very lonely and you made it through that. I can honestly say I have never in my whole life felt as lonely as I felt in my marriage. It's strange, but you can share a home with someone but at the end of the day, you're lonely and it's as if you are living in the house by yourself. I figured I couldn't be any lonelier by divorcing, and as it's turned out, I'm not any lonelier than I was before the divorce and not living with my now ex. The good thing is we can't die from loneliness and it's only a matter of time before we will maybe be ready to let someone get close to us again. Hang in there Greg, and keep us posted on how you're doing. Sunshine!