After an 8 month whirlwind courtship and engagement, my ex just abruptly broke off the engagement. He seemed like such a great guy, former police office, great job, all gung ho to be a family with me and my two kids. I told him up front I wasn't wanting anyone to bond to my kids who wasn't going to be there for life, and of course he agreed and also swore he would be there for me for life, too. As we started moving toward merging households stuff started to get weird. He wanted to do things very very quickly, and he wanted to overhaul my entire house, on debt, and buy all sorts of stuff (new vehicle, new tractor, etc) all on debt. I got uncomfortable. He gave me an ultimatum to do everything he wanted or else, I said I didn't do ultimatums, he broke it off. I went and talked to a therapist who clued me into the narccisist pattern. Turns out it was all a lie, he was married 5 times prior, not three, was fired from the police force, makes good money but is up the the neck in debt. No savings except his 401k. He was accusing me more and more of cheating, went through my phone, asked me questions all the time like he didn't believe me. I would not doubt he's already got someone new, maybe had someone when we met. Anyway I am glad that it is over and once I realized all this went no contact. He reached out to me by email after a week of that, says he wants to talk about us being "friends" and to get the rest of his stuff back. When I asked what he needed to get, he said my engagement ring and also the brand new washer dryer set he bought me for my birthday/Christmas! Those things were gifts. Plus he put my old washer dryer out on the street for free. He said he will give me his set (which is old and beat up.) I know he bought it all on credit so he still owes for all of it. Anyway I really don't want the stuff, but it also feels like another jab. "Hey I don't want to marry you like I promised, and can I also have the stuff I gave you back, and we can be friends?" WTF. I am not sure how to respond. I want a peaceful exit if possible, no drama.
My mom is also a narccisist, my two other LTRs have both also been with narcissists. I want to break free from this pattern once and for all! I am determined. My therapist wants to see me once a week but my insurance isn't covering it so most I can afford is once a month for now. I have been reading all I can about narccisists and that helped me detach from my ex fiancee emotionally, I can see now he never was who I thought and that it only would have gotten far, far worse. I guess on the positive side, it took me 12 years to see it with the first one, 3 years with the second, only 8 months this time! He broke it off but only because my boundaries were in his way. So I guess I am learning... It sucks to feel my whole life like I can't trust anyone. Usually I don';t trust people I could but do trust people I shouldn't! Anyway hello and nice to meet you all and I hope we can all kick our narcissist habit together!
Welcome free from the past !!
here here !!
Narc victims unite !!!
freefromthepast, what an ordeal you have been through! And also dealing with a parent narc too. (I have a narc dad and my first husband of 15 years was a narc as well.) I'm so glad you have your ex-fiance's number now and aren't fooled by his "friendly" overtures. It's hard to know how to deal with property like that...these things WERE gifts so technically you don't have to return them. But only you can determine what course of action will be best for you, and your peace is worth something. Obviously maintaining as little contact as possible is key, but I totally understand why you'd especially want to keep the appliances. So no clear course of action there--just do what you think is right and not necessarily what he wants/demands. Meanwhile, I'm sure you ARE learning. There's no reason why this won't be the last time you get really entangled with a narc. There's a ton of information online to supplement your therapy visits, so just keep educating yourself. I have a blog that might be helpful to you: http://www.howtodealwithanarcissist.blogspot.com/ I'm so glad you found us here--being in this group will also provide you a world of support! Welcome, and yes, "Narc victims unite!"
@tabbylady
My ex bought me a ring, then demanded it back because I wasn’t deserving of it. He promised me a lifetime of security to live in his home, however, whenever he got mad at me, he would kick me out the house. He bought me a birthday gift (a wallet about $80) and within the same week, demanded it back because I didn’t buy him a thank you gift and because he said I wasn’t deserving of the gift. Who does this?! He also talked about marriage and kept making excuses. After 12+ years, I left after his final and last discard and devalue of silent treatment, lying, mindgames, etc. It’s all just insanely unbelievable!
Who does this? Narcissists. They are notoriously bad at gift giving...that's something of a litmus test. Either they don't give them at all, they give weird and inappropriate things (that are also cheap and at easy hand), or they give things for selfish, manipulative reasons, and never recognize that ownership has truly shifted to the recipient. To be able to give gifts like a real human, you have to be able to empathize, have unselfish feelings, and rejoice in another's happiness. Narcs are utterly incapable of these things. I'm so glad you're rid of that horrible man, Alynn!
@tabbylady - there’s the old sort of joke about the husband who comes home and says, “I bought you a car honey”. When in reality it’s the car he wants and he’s driving it. These kinds of gifts have been common in my life. I had a fiancé who said, “go find the biggest bow you can”. He put it on a new car, said it was for me, but it was 100% in his name. I rarely ever drove it on my own. Of course, it can still be a wonderful gesture. No one has to buy me a car or even let me drive their car. But, trying to get a young woman to think they own a car when they don’t is not okay. I knew enough to know it wasn’t mine, but looking back, the pretending was not a good sign.
Pay him some money for the washer dryer instead? Don’t remain friends with him, go no contact.