I just ate such a nice healthy meal, and all I can think about is eating a WHOLE bunch of cookies - of binging and purging. There is something in me that does not feel satisfied. Maybe it's just the addicted part of myself not being fulfilled. And I ought to know that it won't be fulfilled, cannot be fulfilled if I no longer want to have bulimia be part of my life. It's such a struggle though, because going to the store and buying a box of cookies, purging a box of cookies seems like such an easy and instantly gratifying act. I forget about the long term consequences, the feeling of exhaustion, the money I really can't afford to spend, etc. The whole life I want to live and keep distancing myself from.
I am always wanting to understand WHY - why do I want this, why do I feel this need. It must have some merit, some importance, but more and more I need to realize that, whatever the reasons (so many of them old, hard-learned habits/beliefs/modes of thinking), I want to be rid of this MORE. And that that desire, which often loses its voice, will have to be trusted, above the very loud voice of my WANTING RELIEF NOW. I think, when I feel this way, it is my body asking for something - and if there were some sort of physical relief/expression I would feel better. Maybe I ought to dance in my living room or ride my bicycle...
Yes, I am going to go ride my bicycle, if only as a way of passing the time/the feeling.
I agree. The little voice is telling you the guilt and effort put into that box of cookies will right all the wrongs, but the logical part of you could care less. It takes that extra step of courage of kick those bad thoughts out. In the end that will feel more gratifying than that box of cookies, but geez does that take energy to get to that point. One day maybe we both can be at that point.
I can relate to so many parts. There's something in me that, on a daily basis, feels empty, that "does NOT feel satisfied" as you put it...sometimes I'm in my car driving with it, I'm walking to/from a destination with it, I'm sitting in classes with it, I'm washing up and getting ready in the morning with it. It's some elusive feeling manifesting in personal ways I can't f*cking put my finger on. Just some elusive feeling...lurking in places inside me I can't completely uncover, expose for what it TRULY is so that I can learn about it/from it and move on.
And it IS an act of instant gratification, of instant release, and that's what sucked me in. I have such a hard time with GRADUALLY working on things or accomplishing things...I always have the urge to get it all done in one day. But the more attentive and observant and in-tune with yourself you are, the more passionately you feel life--sometimes it's agony, suffering, malcontent, but other times it's pure, distilled, unadulterated joy, and non-attachment, and wonder. Anywho, I'm going to put this post in two parts so it's not as ridiculous to read (I like to write a little too much sometimes)!!!
Okay this is part two. Sooo anyway, hunter-gatherer, how introspective and inquisitive you are is actually one of the key catalysts to getting yourself to where you truly know you're meant to be in life---ever since I was a kid I've had this thirst for uncovering the 'why,' and just HAVING to learn the inner workings of everything. But it started turning more and more into what my therapist has coined "ANALYSIS PARALYSIS" ... started turning more and more inward towards myself and I eventually got preoccupied with having to figure out all these why's **about myself.** It basically got to where I was thinking about myself ALL THE TIME.
So based off personal experience, maybe the best feedback I could give is just to keep exploring. Use that naturally curious nature you seem to have to keep playing around with different things and ways of expression to GET OUT what it is that's stubbornly sticking to your insides and making you feel dissatisfied. And while it's true that we can't always "control" when we want certain thoughts to disappear or just go away, what we CAN always control is whether or not to focus on them. Keep using this forum to let stuff out, it's helped me tremendously so far, and I've gotten a lot out of your posts! Cheers!
hunter-gather...
wow i could have authored your post word for word. how come when i have a good, healthy, and seemingly satisfying meal ... do i then RUIN it by obsessing about the delicious desserts (loads of it) that i can have and purge?
why do we want to eat this extra "round" of bad foods when we haven't even overeaten?
i don't undertsand what void i am trying to fill.
and that comment someone made about instant gratification is ON POINT, although sometimes the bp get out of control (where i do it 2-3 times and completely exhaust myself)... and end up feeling so much worse.
thanks for sharing,
caroline