Hi everyone,
This is my first post on this part of the site. I am 23 years old and I have been struggling with self injury since I was 16. From year 21-22 I did really good and refrained from all self injury but last year the tables turned on me. The only way I can describe it is that I fell back into a hole that I can't climb out of. I am so disappointed in myself for slipping back into an old routine. I feel weak and stupid.
My current problem is this...
I have been hospitalized 3 times for self injury/suicide attempts and one of the times I really went over my limit. As a result, I have about 15 huge cuts/burns on both of my arms. They turned bright pink and have escalated into keloid scars. I am so embarrased by them. I feel like I ruined my life. I didn't think about the consequences before I acted. I went to a plastic surgeon to talk about options for diminishing them and he said it would cost over 3,000$ which is not an option. Now I can't wear bathing suits, tank tops or short sleeved shirts. I am too scared to let anyone see them. I am stuck in long sleeves and hoodies all the time. My scars are a constant reminder of what I went through and I hate it.
I am in graduate school and of course everyone is super nosey and they all gossip. They found out I was hospitalized and spread it around. Then a few people I trusted saw my scars and told everyone else. I am now the resident "crazy" girl in my class. People are like scared of me. I can feel people pulling away from me and not including me as much. Everyone must think I am so weird, I mean I even think that about myself. I don't know how I managed to do this to myself but how does anyone cope with scars?? I need help/support on how to deal with these situations. Thank you
Hey all,
Just wondering if anyone who has read this is going through a similar situation. It would be really helpful for me to get some feedback or have someone who understands to talk too. I feel alone.
Hi Megan,
Though I don't cut or burn myself as a form of self-injury, I do push myself through marathon, day-long, cleaning and room re-arranging sessions. I ignore the signs of pain my body shows me and I pay for it later by being sore for days. If I catch myself feeling tired or worn out, I tell myself "get over it!" (Lots of other negative self-talk too)
In addition to that, I behave in ways that I know will cause failure in my life... in essence I hurt myself by creating self-fullfillilng failures. Its a different form of injury but similar in many ways.
I often think people think I'm weird or crazy - though they don't "know" my issues. I think its more my own judgement than them judging me.
I've gotten so worried about what people think about me, I haven't used facebook, answered my cell phone or checked my e-mail's in almost 2-months!
Going back to your concern about what your classmates are thinking. You may be surprised by how many of them "injure" themselves as well. You might not be able to see it, but I'm sure some of them have issues too. They just hide them better.
Anyway, those people may or may not be judging you... but what if they are?
Were you judged closely as a child? I was... I also had a hard time saying "no". Maybe the 2 are a bad combination...
Sorry you're hurting! I'm here...
-T
Thank you for your kind words.
I never thought about other people in my class having issues too. That is a good point. But if they do, I really wish they would have more empathy. Instead of talking about me and spreading rumors, they should understand. We could end up working together and helping each other. I love helping people. That is one of the reasons I joined this site. I wanted to reach out to others. I just don't understand all of the hatred.
hi megan
i have been cutting for about a year now. i cut on my legs so i cant wear shorts with all my scars. i just hide it but everyday when i go to bed i think about how to make them disappear. i know what has helped me not cut over the past few months is my hobbies
some people are insacure and they dont understand the pain that we go through. everyone has there own problems they just dont have to be reminded of it everyday.
my therapist has told me that almost everyone in some point of there life sees a therapist. but i hope that all is well and good luck with everything
liz