Alchol makes isolation and being lonely worse - hope and pray everyday for change

By Hope and pray on Wed, 11-28-12, 15:13

I'm new here and know what it feels like to be so lonely you just can't stand it. Family all dead or no contact since a child. One son who I have to beg to call me just once a week I ask. Lives 8 hrs away and is very busy with his own life.
Can't find work, moved to new place and tried to join something and did for a few months. My most loving dogs are there next to me and thank god for them. Sacred to walk them because 4 days ago a huge dog came running out and trying to pick up 2 little dogs it was a complete panic attack where I couldn't breath and both dogs were going crazy and clawing while I hurried to get to my house just a few minutes away.
An only child raised by a grandmother and rejected by both parents who I saw only a few times and lived across the country. Now dead at least I know my mom died, my father said "you were a mistake and I was too young" good thing your stepmother couldn't have kids huh?"
my name is hope and pray because that is what I do every hour of every day. I have to force myself to get out of the house once a week for couseling and grocery shopping.
Can't believe that trying to get help hasn't worked. Lexapro gave me headaches and so I just start having a beer, then another, just want to have something to do, someone who cares and my friends are all out of state and I don't want to be a downer so I pretend everything is fine and ask about them.
Faking that I am fine is unauthenic and it feels worse. They don't want to hear my woes. I don't blame them. I want to feel normal, join a group to have something to look forward to. people to call and say "come over and we'll BBQ or lets go hear or there.
I made one new friend and she was great until after 4 months she called and said "lets meet at the nail salon and get our nails done" I said Great! what time? She said she'd be back at noon and would call me then, we lived 2 miles away. No call at noon, at 1:15pm I called voicemail, 1:30pm I called - voicemail. Finally I gave up feeling totally rejected and she finally called at almost 4pm saying her cell phone died. Three days later I saw that she had been posting on her facebook page at 1:10pm. I was hurt and felt completed rejected and when I asked her a few days later she was defensive and said "I said I'm sorry, my phone battery died" I never did tell her I knew she was home on facebook.
So trying again after that is not motivating as I was before.
I know I have issues regarding rejection and abandonment and trying to work on it.
thanks anyone who took the time to read all this. Maybe after writing this I can let it go. If not I will just be lonely for the whole holiday and just get more depressed and more lonely.

Hoping and praying that things will change.

I'm sorry that you r feeling lonely! I will pray that things change for you! There r a lot if people on SG that care. Continue to reach out to us! Best wishes

I know it can be hard to trust people after they let you down, but so is every habit. My mother growing up was a huge worrier and often responded to things in anger. I was determined not to follow the same path. It is hard to break out of a certain path when it is all you know, but making small changes towards a new way of being is totally worth it.

I am so glad you are on the site!


thanks CK, I am working on my attitude and keep hoping. I pushed myself today to play in a local card group and was glad I did. the ex-friend wasn't there, out of town for a few weeks and even today I still play friends with words on FB. Praying for a best friend before Christmas. Thanks for repsonding. Hard to write that first letter.