I am wondering how many others are married to someone who has dementia related to alcoholism? It is probably more widespread than we know. I have lost friends once they find out about my situation. I don't really blame them because they probably lose respect for me in some way. It is easier to say "leave him" than to actually do it. I am very strong and plan on not living my life like this for the rest of my life. I could write a book on what alcoholism has done to my family. My diary for the past 20 years is a brutal reality. Sad thing is, I didn't understand what was going on until five years ago. I thought my husband was Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde and that he had some control over his rages and verbal abuse. Now I am sure he has dementia directly related to his chronic alcoholism for 30+ years. He almost stopped drinking in 2004 after he had a meltdown and stabbed himself. He was sent off against his will to a psych unit for three days (definitely not long enough). Of course he promised he would stop drinking if I let him come back. Back then I still didn't realize he had dementia. He hasn't been officially diagnosed but I have researched this extensively and he has classic signs/symptoms. Anyway, it would be nice to be able to talk with others who don't judge me. My husband is currently - right at this moment - going into a rage due to what I am watching on tv. I just told him it's a free country. Anyway, now that I have a good job, my plan is to pay off the bills and cut the strings. I can't help him and he certainly won't help himself. It is sad that he did this to himself. The first 10 years of our marriage was the best time. Such a talented, funny, witty guy. Every now and again, this may still shine through but it is just a glimmer and then it is gone. All I see now are bi-polar like mood swings, rages, constant whining and repetitive questions (all the same), sexual inhibition and inappropriate behavior, poor judgment, mental abuse, and depression. Anyway, no one in my current friend pool knows about my problems and I have stopped going anywhere with him. There's too much info to say here but it is a lonely and stressful existence.
I don't know if my husband has dementia nor do i know how to find out or what to do about it but I do know that there is certainly something very wrong with him.I understand what you are going through. I feel like i live in "upside down world"My husband took over finances and has made it so I have no access to ,money. he gives me $250.00 for everything i need; food, gas, etc. He sleeps in his clothes and doesn't bathe often,our house is filthy and he thinks it's clean. He never finishes anything he starts. He is not capable of dealing with the smallest of life's details. he blows everything out of proportion. He is paranoid and always thinks he is being victimized, usually by me and/or my family. He makes promises and commitments but will not keep them. we still share a social life but i don't want to go in the car with him as he may become insulting and abusive which he of course denies. I know how you feel
I am sorry you are going through this. We may have a lot in common. I find ways to get out of going anywhere with my husband due to safety issues. He hasn’t taken over the finances - thank heavens. I don’t know what I’d do if he tried to. Lately, he has renewed his sexually inappropriate pressure on me. It is getting really weird and stressful. I deal with this sort of thing at my job where the patients have dementia and can be sexually uninhibited. Now, he is refusing to go to the doctor and some of his medications are expiring. He takes medication for depression, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. I know that mental abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. I think it helps to talk to others who are going through the same things.
Sorry to hear about this... I grew up with an alcoholic father who seems to bear very similar traits to your husband. I wasn't sure if it was bipolar episodes growing up or the fact he is a gemini that resulted in the dr.jeckl mr. hyde mood swings. In retrospect, I see the alcohol which he had ingested for 45+ yrs caused certain dementia and other brain damage. One of the worst things about it was that when I got out on my own, I swore to never become anything like my father... and I turned out to be an alcoholic and see many of the same mood swings inside myself. It is strange that people find what they are trying to avoid on the path to avoid it. Well, good luck in your path of healing, and you always have my ear. :)
My dad also drank a lot but he stayed pretty mellow. I ended up marrying a man who also drank - I guess history repeats itself. Luckily my kids haven’t followed in their dad’s path probably due to seeing what alcohol has done to him. I wish you well and hope you stay away from drinking. I don’t drink myself but my sister went the same way as our father. I believe my husband has a difficult time dealing with everyday things in life and he turns to alcohol to relieve stress. After over 30 years of hard drinking, his personality has changed, he has lost his ability to reason and use good judgment, the mood swings are horrendous, and I could go on. Thanks for listening and I appreciate the feedback. It is lonely out here. Now I don’t talk about my husband to anyone I know or work with.
thank you for the feedback. As far as the lonliness, I definately understand. I am reminded of when my ex wife and I used to fight and split, fight and split, fight and split.... it got to the point I didn't want to talk to my friends anymore because i thought it made me look bad to keep placing myself in a precarious situation over and over. I alienated myself, and that just made the fighting and the resentment worse. It is strange how these things happen, but they seem to happen to everybody, even the best of the best. Take care, and let me know how you are doing soon. Golden vibes to ya.. :)
Thanks for your encouragement. Sorry I don’t log in but once a week. At first, no one commented and then I forgot about this website. Things are bad here and I get really discouraged. It takes more effort than usual to get ordinary things accomplished. If I do socialize with a few of my coworkers, I never mention my husband or really reveal what is going on. Enough about me, I do hope life is better, not lonely, and more positive for you. Take care also and keep in touch.
it is good to hear from you. What type of job do you have? Do you enjoy your work? Some people find work as a welcomed solace in light of a semi chaotic home situation.... I sure did anyway. Take it one day at a time, and know there are people who do listen to you... you are not alone
HAPPY, HEALTHY, STRONG, AND FREE
Hi again, Work is a good distraction in that I am away from home. However, and maybe unfortunately, I am an RN in a LTC facility and my current position is caring for mostly the elderly and many have dementia. It is ironic that even away from home I am dealing with those who have delusions, hallucinations, and illusions. The difference is that I am not personally affected when one of my residents comes after me either verbally or physically. I know they are having difficulties and I deal with them as they occur. At home it is personal to me and very stressful. I have a lot of patience, however, and this helps me cope. Thanks for asking and I appreciate the support. My coworkers and I joke around a lot but I have always found this to be true in the nursing field. I could almost say we have a weird sense of humor but it helps deal with the stress and pressure of work. When one of my resident’s “went off” she has literally chased me into another resident’s room (she’s in a wheelchair) throwing shoes at me. Quite funny especially after it was over with. Another time, I literally had to throw a recliner between a resident and myself as she was trying to kick me. I wish you well also and never give up hope is my motto.
Hello, my father was diagonised with alcoholic dementia almost 4 years ago. He has been living in a nursing home since as I am unable to work and care for my family and him at the same time. My sister and i became co guardians of him but i do most of the work. He lived in northern wisconsin and i used to commuted bi weekly as she would only visit once a month. After the first year and him getting kicked out due to wanting to leave, i moved him down to illinois it took a search of 40 nursing homes before 1 would take him due to his elopement risk. Now just by looking at him one would never know anything was wrong, been told that by many nurses. It seems though now his skills of making normal sentances or even sentences that i understand is slipping and it really scares me. He has 5 kids and the only one who is there for him is me. I just lost my mom 2 mths ago to respitory failure, and now have also taken on the job of caring for my uncle, her bother, who is also an alcoholic and has macular degenteration. I get soo tired of having to take care of people and i have become no one. My marriage is just for show as my husband doesnt understand why my father wont get better. People say oh you are go good for taking care of them, but sometimes i really want to stop. But my heart wont let me. I keep telling myself that when my dad passes and my siblings sit there crying. I wont be as i have had all this time to spend with him. Most of the time he knows me and tells me i am his angel. But i know the day will come that he wont remember.
Thanks for listening and words of advise would be great.
Judi
Alcoholism is such a destructive thing for family, friends, and to the person doing the drinking. Do what you can for your father and uncle but don't let it destroy your relationship with your husband and kids. I suspect your siblings are doing just that. Nursing homes are equipped to handle those who cannot take care of themselves anymore. Many of the residents I care for have varying degrees of dementia. One is blind and we make sure she eats, gets the medication she needs, and is taken care of. I am sure not all nursing homes are the same but it sounds like you really searched to find one that would suit your father's elopement tendencies. We also have one unit just for that reason. Take care of yourself and famiy. Your father and uncle who chose to drink weren't forced and the consequences cannot fall entirely on your shoulders. Sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. I personally know how hard that is. Is there any way you and your other siblings can take turns caring for your uncle? Caregivers really need some TLC too.
I feel like you just wrote my life. I have been with my husband since 1997. He was charming, smart, hard working, and an alcoholic. I pressed him to get his business in order, and to go back to work "on the books". He did, was doing well and had moderated his drinking quite a bit when he asked me to marry him in 2004. We were planning our wedding when he started drinking heavily again. At that time we had a showdown and I almost ended the engagement. He straightened out for several days and we seemed to be back on track. The next week he was critically injured (sober) in a construction accident. I would have done anything to try to make him strong and well again, and I did, marrying him the following spring. Before he was even out of the Halo brace he was back to drinking and smoking. I found out later that his "friends" were going to the store for him after I went to work. He fell many times because of drunkeness, and sustained both complications of his original injuries and new injuries.
Each time I have been ready to give up there has been more surgery, back fusion, nesck fusion, then prostate cancer. Between the injuries (including brain injuries), the surgeries, and the damage inflicted by heavy smoking and drinking, he has lost most of his intellect, although he does function at a basic level in a familiar environment.
A year ago he did put himself into the hospital for dry out after drinking himself into such bad shape that he could not even walk. When he was discharged after 10 days he was still hallucinating and could not walk without assistance. Today he has given up the liquor, but convinces himself that beer does not count as drinking. Some of the problems that I thought would go away have, some have not. His memory is still poor, he swears constantly, F*** is his verb, adjective, and sometimes noun. He confabulates constantly, and still flies into irrational rages.
So, what holds me? Well, at times I still see flashes of the man I once knew. Beyond that, I feel a sense of responsibility in that he was trying to "do it my way" when he was so terribly injured. When we married the pastor married us "for all of this lifetime, and into the next". Also, this is his only home. I bought this home in 1995, and have almost paid for it, I'm not going to leave, and he has flat told me that he will not go. So, remnants of love, guilt, and the obligation of vows not given lightly, plus the fear of his rage and willingness to destroy my home if I ask him to leave it. That, and pity. I truly do not have esteem issues, I know who I am , and that I am a very worthy person, I just do not know how to untie this Gordian knot.
My message to you in all of this is just that the people who are so quick to tell you what you "should" do, or that you should "Just leave", or that "They wouldn't put up with", have not stood in your shoes. THey have not tried to resolve the legal, emotiional, or ethical issues in your relationship. That you are an intelligent and thoughtful person comes through in everything you have written. Thank you. Because of you, I do not feel so alone tonight.
Is alcohol-related dementia grounds for divorce? Even if the man in question has quit drinking (about 8 months now)? I must say that until he had esophageal surgery in 2007 he never acted drunk, despite 6-10 drinks per day (beer and wine mostly). He is driving against the neurologist's advice and mine. He developed intermittent double vision and depth perception issues about 2 years ago. He had a panic attack and a fender-bender in April. He is now taking Seroquel and Aricept and thinks he is cured, but he still drives me nuts. If it were Alzheimer's I guess I'd have to stick it out, but since thye dementia is due to alcohol, or so the drs say, maybe it is his fault? His sister and two sons think it is Alzheimer's and I haven't told them differently yet as I am not sure how they tell the difference.
Looks like a while since anyone has posted here. My (second) husband is 70 and probably has alcohol related dementia, early stage. He is supposed to go for neuropsychological testing Nov. 28. He quit drinking in Feb., but then started having panic attacks, so doctor gave him valium. When I took a two week trip my niece dropped by to see him and he was disheveled and seeing people who weren't there, and she called me to come home right away. He is now on Seroquel and Aricept and seems to be doing better. But you are right about the stigma, I would rather he had Alzheimer's! I am worried now that he will eventually go into a nursing home and I will have to spend down all my savings to care for someone who brought it all on himself, although neither of us was aware his drinking could lead to this. In fact, until about 3 years ago he never even acted drunk, and he was sweet and witty (although we haven't had sex in 10 years, alcohol does destroy the libido). I wonder if I can buy out his interest in the house and get a divorce? He thinks he can take care of himself, but he wouldn't be able to manage his finances or pay bills on time, much less do any shopping and cooking. He would probably start drinking again--my threatening to leave him is the only thing keeping him sober now. But the dementia probably won't get better even if he doesn't drink. It will get worse if he does.
Thankfully I have just found this page and folks just like me, experiencing the same things. Hello! My husband is 77 and quite a bit older than I. He suffers from alcohol encephilopathy, confusion, anxiety, anger, balance issues, memory loss, some startings of dementia and most of all, denial. This is a second marraige for both of us and I honestly did not know the extent of his illness until after we married, moved to Florida and starting being together full time. He had a major health crisis last year and was in the hospital and rehab for about 6 months, and now has an ileostomy. He begged to come home -- and I wanted to bring him home, thinking he could live a semi-independent life at home and maybe get his life on track. But now he is back to drinking again and it makes him once again, very nasty. I have been living in two rooms of my house for the past 5 years and continue to lock myself away from him when he gets impossible. We barely speak because he cannot have a conversation with me without being abusive. My life with him is close to hell, he denies everything.
I find the medical community not particulary helpful, they say there is nothing they can do so long as he presents himself as competent. Ihave tried Al-Anon and they are nice, but not particularly helpful in my situation. Then there are those that say "just leave him". Not helpful either and cealrly not the answer. I am convinced there are no answers, only coping and dealing with each day, best I can and trying to keep him home for so long as he is able to stay there.
I cannot change my husband. At 77 he is who he is and his brain is so damaged that he cannot change himself and only goes back to his old habits. So there are good days and not so good ones. There are moments when my sweet Bob comes out and reminds me that he is still in there, then the ****** comes back and overtakes him once again. One day he will be gone.
I thank G-d for work and getting out of the house and for my family. The fact that my husband has little contact with his family and has never tried to forge new relationships with mine or make friends where we live, only makes me realize how lucky I am.
sorry you go through this too! afte while it becomes unmanageable and you have no choice but leave. mine had a meltdown also, ended up in ER found my cops,almost died twice, and was never the same again. his friends were in shock and confused as he hallucinated and confabulated. he ended up in mental ward and when released he ws deemed unable to function by himself. he was a real veggie when i went up to help out but got him o health only to see him return to the demon after 5 months after his court hearing. you get so scarred from the manipulation and lies, mental, emotional, verbal abuse and eventually they will get destructive, throw furniture around, go berserk, scream in the middle of the night without end,k threaten you till the cops cannot even help you and you run for the hills! he ended up a pill junkie too! died 3 years later
I would really like to hear from people who are living with loved ones with alcohol related dementia. My husband is 53 and I am 40. He has been drinking heavily for most of the last 20 years, but was mostly functional until the last 5 years or so. Since then he has gone through at least 5 programs and detoxed MANY times in an effort to stop drinking. The last time, in Nov., he had been drinking REALLY heavily (got him into the ER at .34 BA, walking and talking coherently for the first time in a week), and had a really rough detox. He went into a residential program - the same one he did a year ago and did really well with - but never quite recovered right. His counselor tells me that they've been seeing memory problems and some confusion. For lack of a better way to describe him, he's acting like he does when he's drinking (easily angered, no tolerance for anyone's imperfections, suspicious of other's motives, etc.), only he's in a controlled environment and sober. He drank while on a weekend pass at home and, when confronted by his counselor admitted it and said that, "it was just a little bit. I didn't think I needed to mention it." I truly think that actions have been separated from consequences for him. He is definitely not the same person he was a year ago. He's going in for testing next week but, based on what I've been reading, I'm certain he has the beginnings of dementia. I think he's actually had symptoms for several years - maybe even going back to when he had a withdrawal seizure 5 years ago - just now they've gotten bad enough to be more noticeable. Anyway, my intentions are to care for him as long as I can, but we have 6 kids at home aged 14-4, so I don't kid myself - I know it won't be easy. I really just have no idea what we're going to do. He has no one and no where else to go, and I feel that it is only right that we do care for him. I don't think recovery is even possible for him at this point. When he is released from the program he's in, it's not a matter of IF he will drink but rather WHEN. I'm hoping that his doctors will work with me to help make it possible to care for him, though I don't even know what that would look like. Maybe they can give him some sedatives or something to make him more manageable?!
I like to think that I'm a pretty tough cookie and I've managed to keep our lives fairly calm up to this point. This is uncharted territory though. The saddest thing for me is letting go of that hope that he will ever be who he once was. I caught a few glimmers of the guy I knew last year when he went through this program, and I treasure those moments in my heart. But I think that he is, for the most part, gone now and it's so very sad. Anyway, if anyone out there is also dealing with this, I'd love to hear from you.
Deo Juvante, Jen
I've been living with this for 20 years. I also researched alcoholic dementia a few years ago and realized my partner shows all the signs. He's a closet alcoholic, 58 and I'm 66. If I had anyplace to go I'd leave. The stress and depression I'm experiencing is terrible. I have no family and the few friends I had have moved away or passed away. It's just a miserable existence. I'm not even the person I used to be.
Hello Wildrose, your story sounds all too familiar. Today I came home - he seemed in a good mood, but then I realised it was alcohol related. This mood quickly changed when I refused to sit down with him - because I had important things to do. He told me 4 times what he had done in the house whilst I was out. He accepted I was going to get on with my stuff, he then kept coming to me at intervals over a period of 3 hrs and re-telling me what he told me before. It was then that the penny dropped and I started looking on the internet. Your story resonated with me, his rages at what I was watching on tv, the Jekyll and Hyde personality. Yesterday he cried in the morning, later he was in a rage. He refused to eat all his dinner, his mood changed, I didn't know what I had done wrong.....I am confused and frightened. I am 68, my husband is 69, he has always liked a drink, but due to some business problems about 12 years ago, the drinking started, but I was unaware how bad it was until about 8 years ago. I tried everything, begging, I went to the doctors, they were useless, we lost our business and he owes lots of money, now he has to work to pay the loan. I went to Al-anon, in the end I just took 1 piece of advice and followed it: I detached myself. BUT the big problem is I am getting old and he has ruined our security for the future. Now I realise I am chained to him, he will ruin me. I just don't know what to do. We have life insurance, which will pay off loans, but, if he is deemed to die of something alcohol related, then it is void. I am desperate, I want to run away. We lost touch with 2 of our sons, because of my husband and his moods. I just don't know what to do. At least I know I am not alone after reading your story. My husband is in total denial about his drinking, now I realise that is only 1 of his problems.....