all change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.
~ellen glasgow, novelist
***********************************************
realizing i am at a crossroads DOESN'T cause any of my decision-making to be any easier. i don't WANT this assignment, to make a decision, to to to..... my mama says we all have to do things we don't want to do. ****, i say that to my kids all the time.
my therapist usually respects my need to communicate in my *code* language. this past visit, she went from tip-toe-ing to blatant, painful, REAL language. there is no room for any interpretation when i hear the harsh exactness of her words.
i am humiliated. the abasement of my *pride*, of my sense of self, of my perceived identity [if you will] is mercilessly vexatious. confusion surrounds me and crushes me.
here is my main worry: how can i claim to want to change certain aspects of my life if i feel quite strongly that i will somehow continue to fight [to the death] for those aspects to remain the same? i have faith in the professionals; i haven't any faith in me. my intellect can NOT wrap itself around ANY of this...
so much for coded language, eh? i just needed this wailing wall, my sisters...this safe place for me to aimlessly wimper. my confusion and humiliation are quickly washing over me... and dissolving me. getting some of the orbitting, CRASHING thoughts out of my head and into some sort of written form usually helps to ease my pain a bit.
thank you for reading. i am grateful for each of you- and am blindly waiting for some of my *changes* and *movement* to magically become growth... and forward mobility. if only a magic wand could wave over me and pixie-dust me out of this hell.... wimper.
Hi Amy, thank you so much for being here with us and for sharing. I am so happy that you are here, and I am so proud of you for your self awareness and for bringing down your walls a bit. Would you mind sharing where you are with your ED and if you are in recovery or on the road to recovery?
uuugh, share with you *where* i am with all this ****???
well... my therapist- as well as my family, my doctor, and a friend- believe that i would benefit from more hands-on *care*... but since no one can make that decision FOR me, i am pingponging the idea around within my personal purgatory. there is this part of me that feels the *gun to my head* and knows that if following a mp is what will keep me from this decision, then i'll just fucking do it. but that part of me also knows that i will fib, and twist, and re-define things...and that i will at some point be right back where i am now.
as my mama so aptly phrased it: **everything has lined up in order for you to just DO this.** jagged little pill, let me tell you.
so... i am plagued with spontaneous crying...and with the pressure of making this decision. again, humiliation is a VERY strong factor that keeps me trapped in purgatory.
thank you again for reading... it is not easy, i assure you, to reach beyond this particular purgatory of mine.
Hi Amy, thank you so much for the update. If you have the opportunity for treatment, I would say walk through that open door, as it leads to a path of recovery with entails freedom from ED. You can do it and we are here to support you through such an important decision. Namaste.
My friend, the decision you must make is not an easy one... Doing what's right is seldom the 'easy' thing to do... I know you don't have much faith in yourself right now... But I do. Trusting the professionals?? That is a HUGE fucking deal!!! And whether you see it or not, allowing yourself to trust the professionals does mean that you have some glimmer of trust in yourself, in your possibilities, and in your future... ♥ Until you can recognize and embrace that spark in you, let the professionals care for you... Until you can do so for yourself. You are NOT hopeless, Amy!! ♥ Despite your feelings at the present.
Amy...I totally agree with Jen! It's not easy, but waiting until it seems easy or 'ok' never works. You may FEEL hopeless, but you are not! Thinking of you....Jan ♥
oh my sweet sisterhood...
i feel your presence and am deeply grateful.
jen, hon- please let me clarify my *trust* in the professionals. what i mean is that i trust that THEY know what they are doing, that THEY are trained and see people like me everyday...that they are prepared for resistance, arguments, refusals, and fits. i have come to understand and accept that these professionals deal with people like me everyday...all the time...----- i however do feel so personally MORE stubborn, MORE unfixable, MORE stuck, MORE crazy. THAT is what i mean by *trusting professionals*.
do i trust that i will just DOOOOO what is asked of me? hell no. can i trust that whatever is requested of me is in my best interest? again, hell no. will i be able to trust others enough to just DOOOOOOO- b/c it will somehow save me? again, hell no. it is ME in which i lack such trust.
shaking, weepy, humiliated.
i'm grateful for each of you. thank you for reading.
namaste
xo
Hi Amy, I don't think that you should feel humiliated whatsoever, but on the contrary, so proud of yourself for coming to realize these inner feelings of self-mistrust. I know that with the right guidance and support, you will make it through this. So, does this mean that you are not willing to see someone, even in a group environment, to help you through this?
such quick wit and curiosity. you are darling to so carefully pose such a question to me....
**So, does this mean that you are not willing to see someone, even in a group environment, to help you through this?**
hmmmm. i attend weekly therapy, hon. as my therapist so sweetly stated: she hates to see when the ante is upped...for anyone. but, i fear my ante has been upped. thankfully, although i HATE that i've involved other people, i have loving people who are helping me. i could never do any of this on my own.
when the ante is upped, it is a scary foreshadowing. i intend to forego the foreshadowings that entail my continued failings. sick to my stomach and spontaneously weepy, i am reluctantly and FINALLY allowing others to actually help me.
thank you for your kindness, pdl. my gratefulness appears to be disguised as temper tantrams... i am grateful nonetheless...
Im Happy you are able to allow others to help you!The only way to move forward is to step out of our comfort zone as you already know.
Thinking of you often..AG♥