All my life I've been a outsider. I was always quiet. Back in the good elementary days I had few friends. But I never had a best friend to call my own. Or at least one who stayed. I have two close friends. They refer to me as their best friend, but I know I'm not. They've been best friends for ten years! And I would like to feel like their my best friends but I'm not so sure. One is doing things she'd never do because of pressure. The other and I are just watching ready to take her ****. A part of me wants to stay, but the other part is telling me to leave. I've dealt with this bull**** last year and I'm ready to go through it again. I've never belonged anywhere. People make insecure, people make feel small. People make me feel like I don't matter. I have an amazing life. I got a loving brother and mom but I can't help but feel depressed. I don't know how to feel.
not ready*
Two things that work for me, both involve writing.
One is to write a list of every feeling I'm having. Takeep a moment to feel and I identify the feeling, write it down to the next one. By the time I get to physical feelings like hungry and tired, I'm not feeling sad or angry anymore. The second one is journaling. It helps when you do it every day because you can look back after one week and see how much progress you have made.
Why are you shutting them out when they are telling you that you are their best friend? Although the two of them have known each other for 10 years, what matters is the depth of the person and the depth of the time you have spent together, not the length. Imagine being friends with a person who was absolute **** for 11 years. At the end of those 11 years, you still won't consider them your best friend. And then for two years, you're friends with the most amazing person. She/he is always there for you, is funny, makes you laugh, in those two years you have opened up to her/him more than you ever have to anybody else. She/he is your best friend, not the **** you spent 11 years with. Embrace those two people who are telling you that you are their best friend. Don't shut them out or you will regret it. As for your other problem, the friend who is doing bad things because of pressure. All I can say to you is - help her. You have to give her a good, long talk. Who is it that is pressuring her? Whether it's her boyfriend, her other friends, you have to bring her closer to you. If she won't listen when you try to tell her what she is doing is bad and wrong, go out to the mall or something with her, show her that she can have an amazing time without making those bad choices.
I have a feeling you feel depressed because of what you are making up in your head. You wrote it yourself: I have an amazing life. Embrace that amazing life instead of acknowledging the fact that you have an amazing life, and then focusing on all the negatives.
I will answer your question of, I don't know how to feel.
Feel like you. Embrace every challenge that comes to you and every accomplishment. Help your friends, embrace them as your best friends. Tell your brother and your mom that you love them. Just live.
I love my friends. I love my family. It's just difficult because I can never open to them about how I am feeling. They think there's nothing wrong with my life, by they'll never know what I feel on the inside. And how can I help her when she is pulling away from me? Not everyone can snap their fingers be happy in an instant. Acknowledging what you have and who's there for you is difficult because people leave. People leave all the time. And I don't want someone to come in my life and end up caring about her/him and then her/him leave. So could you really blame me for how I feel?