Almost over


This is my first time trying any kind of support group. I have tried to always deal with things my own way. But things just keep getting worse. I met my girlfriend 5 years ago in Baltimore. At that time she had a lot of problems with heroin use, a lot of legal problems, she lost her kids, and her life was just out of control. That's when we met, I saw the good in her and I wanted to help her get her life together. I was pretty green back then when it came to being with someone who has an addiction. Its probably the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. Trying to help her changed me as a person, while she was changing and getting herself straight, it also brought out a dark part of me, and a lot of depression. And I'm not saying I was an angel throughout these 5 years, but I never went outside of our relationship no matter how alone or how taken for granted I felt. 2 years into the it we had our daughter but the place we were renting would not pass home inspection for social services. So we moved in with my relatives. It's been a struggle with this crappy economy for us to save to move and even more for her to find a decent job because of past legal problems. But through out all that I thought our relationship was stronger. Well anyway she got clean, almost 2 years now and maybe that's all I wanted in the begining. But now there is more that's needed. This past year we have been fighting a lot, and she always tells me she wants to leave and that I don't listen to what she wants. She tells me that I don't spend enough time with her or the baby. That I'm not the same person that would do anything for without even thinking about it, like I was at first. And now I drink too much.
But I also work 60 hours a week or more in strictly commision job, so its not like I'm getting paid just to be there. And its very hard work at times. I try hard to make ends meet. Even put my goals life on hold. I don't cheat and I really am trying to better myself as a father. We been through a lot. Everything from fixing her most of her legal problems, to trying to invest schooling for her. And trying to help her get her 2 other kids back. I have lied for her, I have put myself in dangerous situations for her, I alienated myself from my friends that I known for years before her. Now....the other day, the I logged onto her Face book account. And I see that shes has messaged someone she had or has feelings for, long ago and that she had always wanted to be with them. This is hard for me to type. After all this things we been through for me to find out something like that makes me feel like a fool, like the dumbest person in the world. I confronted her with this and she got upset, the whole i didn't want you to find out like this, or didn't want to hurt you deal. But shes not happy with me. Now I feel like even less of a person that I did when I was supporting her habit. At least she needed me then. She says she hasn't cheated but i really dont know. do i stay in this and try to be the person she wants me to be. do i just give up and try to move on. i feel so lost...........

I don't have an answer to your question specifically, but I am sad to hear about this new problem in your relationship. Every relationship, addiction or not, goes through many stages. You hit the nail on the head, when you said during her addiction, she needed you in a very intense way. Your roles in the relationship were very defined. You had a common goal. To beat the addiction. What is the new common goal? Obviously, your daughter's well being. But what is your common relationship goal?

For example, I like to sit at home and relax on my days off, but my husband likes to hike and explore every free moment he has. I have found that if I make myself go with him, I end up liking it. And we have an adventure to talk about. It has become an new shared interest. This is kind of a boring example, but it works for us.

It sounds like you need to have more, healthy, shared experiences, but that is just a guess for me. I don't know you, so that makes it hard.

Above all, try to be constructive in your arguments. I can't say what will be best for the both of you in the long run, but being straight forward and honest about what you need and listening to what the other person needs, with in reason, could be helpful.

God bless and good luck.

Thank you for responding, I didn't think anyone would. Yes in the beginning our goals were very defined. And I even thought that now we still had good goals, to have good careers, raise children, have a happy home, but I'm just not sure what she is thinking anymore. And it seems like it just getting worse. Like tonight, she told me she had some training to do for job that she will hopefully be starting, to which I have also invested mental support, and its 4:12 am right now and shes not home, won't call, and won't answer her phone. She tells me she's not cheating but finding out the things I have about her reconnecting with people she was in love with 12 years ago, What am I supposed to think? I know this is going to sound like I only think of myself as a financial supporter, but this week I even gave her money to get expungements for her criminal record, because this new job won't hire her with a bad criminal record. Even though its still not a 100 percent that she will get the job, I told her that even if she doesn't get this job at least her record will be clear and she'll be able to have other good job oppurtunities. And now she can't even call me to let me know she's alright. I feel used and betrayed, i feel even more used now then when supporting her drug habit. At least then everything was simple, no reason for secrets, no one outside of us interfering. I took a day off from work yesterday, something I never do unless I'm sick. I was stressed out so bad that I knew i couldn't function. now I'm about to go through the same thing tomorrow but I can't take off. I'm 30 years old, this is only my second serious relationship, I'm no good at dealing with these feelings. I just want everything to be over I don't want to feel anything anymore.

Hi Westin1911: Once again, I don’t have the answers, but I do know how you are feeling. You are doing the right thing by reaching out. I have been through a lot of crap, but people have come in to my life that have been vital to getting through it. A councelor or therapest is really important. They help you get all the crazy thoughts that are running through your head and help you get a little peace in your mind. For sure each day is different, some up and some down, but the down part is temporary and you will make it through. I know you don’t believe me, but you will. For sure her behavior is sketchy. I don’t know what is going on. You have to get your support system started and be in a place were you are ready to hear the truth from her without going out of your mind. 12 step groups like Al Anon are a very good starting place. For sure, don’t isolate yourself. You have to take good care of yourself, because someone very important relys on you. Let me know how you are doing. R

I'm sorry I have taken so long to get back, but the worst case senario has occurred. She is or has cheated on me just recently with an ex boyfriend, i had to find out from her 17 year old daughter. I am devestated, so then I finally confront her, and she yells at her daughter telling her she wants nothing more to do with her. This is so hard, we tried talking it out, she says shes sorry she hurt me and that she ended the relationship with the other guy, I even looked into her phone pictures, and saw the guy and her hugged on each other. She even took my kid around this guy. She says that he gives her what I dont and thats only becuase he hasnt lived the reltionship with her that i have, he didnt support a drug habbit for her, he didnt spend 20 grand in bail and lawyers to keep her from getting locked away. He didnt take her off the street and put a roof over her head and take her other children in, that was me. I did all the heavy lifting but he gets the reward. im very angry right now and thinking irrationally. this is the worst. i lived for her for 5 yeears, it maight not seem like a long time but i did alot for her in these 5 years. now what do i do, on top of that she wants to move out and take my daughter, the only good thing i got out of this whole thing. if i loose her i got nothing left to live for. i even am trying to work it out like im the one who did something wrong. what the hell is wrong with me, why cant i just let her go, i dont ever think shell care about me the way i do for her, but i cant seem to break myself of her. this is the worst......

Hi Westin,

I am very, very sorry that you are going through this right now. When you are going through something this painful, it is tremendously difficult to think straight. In this situation, with all the stuff that is happening, everything you are feeling and thinking is totally normal. People think that normal means happy, but normal means what you should naturally be feeling when something hurtful happens to you. You get angry and sad and you think thoughts that are so crazy that you think you are crazy. But your are not. You are normal. This is very painful for you and I am so sorry for that.

I know you are worried about your daughter or being away from her, but I also know from experience that no one can take her away from you. You have a whole life time of time to spend with your daughter. You are her father and nothing will ever change that. There may be times that she is not with you or possibly not living with you, but she will be the saving grace in your life and you must have faith on that point. I have major experience on this topic, but that is a very long story. I will tell you another time if you think it might be helpful.

You are right that 5 years is not a long time on the calendar, but it has been a very intense 5 years. You have done a lot for her, no doubt, and of course you feel like that should be acknowledged.

I wonder sometimes that when someone gets a lot of help, that they don't know how feel gratitude. If they acknowledge that they needed so much help, then they might think that they can never pay their debt and so they stop trying. Instead, they decide that they don't want to be indebted to anyone. I am NOT saying this is okay by any means, I'm just saying that is one possible explanation for their attitude. Their unhealthy thinking can become unhealthy behavior. It's not because of anything you did or didn't do. It nothing to do with you. They are just messed up in their head. You can't control how they think. (unfortunately)

Don't stop seeking online support, but please
seek out support in your community as well. Weather it be an al-anon group or a counselor or a pastor. (even if you are not religious) I can tell you that things seem a lot more manageable with support. You need your support network around you to help you with the emotions and the hurt. Talking to people is better than any pill you could ever take.

Please let me know how you are doing. Things WILL get better. Please believe me. I know they do.