Almost ready to give up bearking point

I'm at my wits end right about now ready to give up what the point anymore I have pushed those who care about out of my life I got in my first fight with my best friend tonight we have been friends for 3 years never once them today big fight why because I binged and when I went to purge she stopped me she grabbed and held me and said she was not going to let my purge I got so mad I said u can't stop me she said I will sit at the bathroom door all night if I have my reply I purge in the garbage then I told her I was in pain which is true even though I only ate what a normal person would consider a big meal it was way more then my body was use to so anyway I told her I was never going to speak with her again she said good at lest I won't have to watch you kill yourself then she said sorry did not mean that then she let me go and I went to the washroom and purged we have not spoken since no I feel like crap first because the scale was up a few points second my best friend is mad at me and therid my ed won again I just feel like lying in bed curled in a ball and never eating again I no that sounds extreme but it how I feel I m lost in my ed I no longer have the will to live it scares me last week I was afraid to die right now I would welcome it not that I would attempt anything but I sure have prayed to god to come and get. Me I m just so tired of this life it one thing after another can't I just be normal why does this have to be so hard maybe I should take up my doctors offer and go to the Psyche ward I just don't no what to do anymore I feel like I'm at rock bottom but still falling feather then I thought possibly god knows when I will get into treatment or if I will get into treatment before there is nothing left of the lean I use to be I am such a mess right now I feel like I have no one to talk to every one is against me at lest that's how I feel sometime I wonder what my purpose on earth is I use to have dreams about the future now I wonder if I even have a future and part of me wishes I did int that the messieurs would all be over they say god does not give you nothing you can't handle well I think he screwed up this time big time sorry again for all the word vomit but I have no one to spell my guts to my counselors away until the 22 I m super stressed and complete alone except this group my only glimpse of light in complete darkness

Sorry for all the typos mobile upload it has automatic spell check and Ganges words I don't want changed hope you can stil understand it

Love leah

Just,

I'm so sorry... What a difficult situation! Your friend cannot be responsible for your purging. I understand her desperation to get you to stop, but it really isn't up to her. It sounds like you can't stop yourself, either... Why do you think you were willing to purge even in front of her? It sounds like you were pretty open about it. Was it because she confronted you? Do you think you felt angry with her for trying to stop you? I'm just trying to imagine how I would have felt in that situation, but I really don't know... Please talk to your counselor... If hospitalization is really needed, then perhaps you should consider that option seriously... Surely there must be more options for you... Keep asking, dear! You are worth it! ♥

Love,

Jen

i don't no what came over me i guess my ed felt threatened when she tried to stop my i did not say i was going to purge did not even tell that i purge at all i guess she just new i was not thinking clearly the only thing on my mind was all the calorie going in to my body being absorbed into my system Evey minute that it was in me i don't think i would have actually purged in the garbage i just wanted her to relies that she could not stop me i could not even stop me it probably look pretty pathetic i felt pretty pathetic myself i m doing a day program at the hospital starting next week it should be interesting i hope it help me i have been really low the last week or so i hate this ed but don't no what or who i m with out it anymore but thanks again for your support love leah

It is good that you got into the day program. I really think your friend will be there for you if you reach out to her. It can be scary for people when they don't know the best way to help but really want to.