Alone and Grieving

Hello I lost my grandfather yesterday to cancer. He had multiple myeloma. I was at the hospital visiting when they told us he wouldn't wake up and they expected that he would die within 24 hrs. He was sleeping peacefully and I thought that he would be like that until he stopped breathing. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. The next 13 hrs. were the most horrific hours of my life. He suffered in pain and his body fought the dying process. He drowned in his own body fluids and it was purely horrific until the last 15 or 20 minutes of his life. I was very close to my grandfather and I am having a hard time dealing with how terrible his death was. I don't understand why dying can be so violent and awful when it is the natural end to life. His last few breaths were peaceful, but, my mind keeps replaying the suffering he endured. The pain is coming in waves. I do ok for awhile and then I realize he is gone again. I dont have anyone to talk to and I feel so alone. I am scared to death of death and dying now. If anyone can offer any words of wisdom or support, please help me.

Hi Stephanie and welcome to support groups..
I'm very sorry to hear of the passing of your grandfather, I offer my sincerest condolences.
Losing a loved one is tough to deal with, but witnessing what you did, makes it that much worse. Do you think you can shift your attention (I know it will be hard, but you can do it ♥) from his last moments of life to the moments he had where he was happy and content? I'm sure you have a life time of memories stored up in your head, let's try and leave the ones where he was hurting out of the picture, and celebrate his life through the happy memories you shared ♥

Thank you for replying. I appreciate it. I do understand that I should focus on his life and my wonderful memories with him and not the way he died. I know that will be the case. It is so fresh. He died at 10 yesterday morning. I believe I am still in shock. I have times when I realize it is real and the pain is incredible. I have also had times where I have thought about something funny or insightful that he has said. I would rather not remember the way he died, unfortunately, I can’t forget it. It was the worst thing I have ever seen or experienced. I don’t know how to process it and I don’t know if I will ever not be scared of dying.

I understand your pain & it is completely natural how your mind is working right now.Your heart & mind are still in shock of what happened. You aren't alone darlin'. I have two words that I can't ever erase from my memory that my 8 yr old daughter said before she went into a coma...she looked at me and said "I'm scared". I don't know how God could have let her feel fear before He took her home. If you except that this is a process of life that has to play out then I promise you will get through this. My thoughts & prayers will be of you during this time. Feel free to cry if you want & don't fill guilty if you happen o smile when you remember a funny memory with him. It really is okay to feel like you do.

healn heart

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am still in shock and I am so sorry about your daughter. I am a mother of 5 and I can only imagine how much pain you have endured. I know that it is ok to feel what I feel, when I feel it. I just wish that the pain wasn’t so intense. I have felt an array of emotions. I had a bout of hysterical laughing with another family member in the hall of the hospital. It was at one of the worst times. I didn’t understand how I could be laughing. A nurse said “Well, haven’t you seen Steel Magnolia’s?” I mostly feel like I am in a bad dream. I don’t want to focus on the way he died but it is very fresh. He died yesterday morning at 10. I appreciate you writing me back. Thank you.

Stephanie

stephanie

oh hon why shouldnt u laugh and cry scream and shout, its natural for the body to take over and do things that others find inappropriate at these times of acute anxiety and stress but natural. the nurses will have seen loads of reactions to death and nothing u displayed will have shocked them or made them think any less of how u feel towards your grandad

its all new and fresh at the moment so u are being too harsh on yourself about the way u reacted, death is all ways peaceful at the end and he felt no pain on his way to it, so dont worry it looks worse for u to witness than him to experience

take it hour by hour and dont dwell on the passing but what he brought to your life

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Hello Everyone,

It has taken me three + years to find an outlet for my pain of grieving the loss of my brother, my mom, one of my best friends and my career all in the space of 5 years. I feel very blessed today to be able to talk about it at all.... Three years ago my mom died after living with me and my husband for almost 20 years (moving in with me after my father passed). I miss her terribly every day of my life and it really feels as if I have lost my rudder. Every day it feels as if life has taken this jagged turn and I will never be happy again. And if I hear "just snap out of it" or "get some help" or "your energy is bad" one more time I will scream and probably implode. I am sooooo lonely, ya know?

Thanks for letting me vent...

I like how you ended that. I have so many people at work that tell me "you need to meet someone else, your to young to be alone, or I just don’t know what to say to you anymore & let us not forget the advice of " you should seek help or start some drug. There hearts are meaning well but their mouth is wrong. I think they say things like that cause they are at a loss for what to say because they don’t understand the pain we are feeling. Let me tell you about a therapy that has helped me…I make fleece blankets to help preoccupy my mind. You can make them any size, or you can make scarfs, I will tell you how to do them if you would like. I refuse to seek a so called professional cause I have to handle all my pain on my own. My neighbor brought a book to me that has been of the most surprising help. It’s almost like the writer has been living with me & taking notes of my life, but it has eased my mind so much. When I start to feel so alone again I will read a couple pages and I don’t like to read but I really recommend this book…after all what have you got too loose from reading it other than your loneliness & pain. It is called “Straight Talk” written by Joyce Meyer. Please Please just try this i promise it will help ease your pain.

Stephanie,
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I too am still grieving from a loss. About a month ago on 11/9/2010 I loss my daughter. I was 6 1/2 months pregnant with her. I went in for an ultrasound and that was when they told me she no longer has a heartbeart. It was the worst news of my life. I couldn't believe it. I was admitted into the hospital right away. It tore me apart that I would soon have to deliver my baby girl but not be able to take her home with me. I gave birth to her the next day on 11/10/2010. Its far from easy but that goes for any loss of a loved one. Know that you are not alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Sending hugs your way

stella

that is the problem people dont know what to say in these situations recently we lost my sis in law and my hubby of more than fourty years has retreated from the world to lick his wounds, she was his baby sister, one neighbour told him he should be use to death outliving his parents and other family members....another well she has been ill for a while its a blessing....

sadly we know time, and time alone is the only healer meanwhile those who have not been affected by death continue to offer help as they precieve it to be

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)

Thank you all so much for your support. I have not cried since Friday morning. I have tried to stay preoccupied with my kids and Christmas shopping. Maybe I am in denial, I don't know. Visitation for my grandfather is tomorrow, but I will not be attending. I am not going to the funeral either. I can't see him in a coffin. I am not sure if this makes me a bad person. I know you go to these things out of respect but I just can't do it. I knew I would stay with him until his last breath and I did. As soon as he was gone, I fled the room. I have such anxiety about being next to a dead body. My cousin died when he was 2 and I was 6. He was thrown out of a car on his way to his brother's birthday party and died instantly. I went to the funeral home where he was laying in an open casket. He had so much make up on his face that he looked like a china doll. I need not say that this was traumatic. I have been to other funeral homes and other funerals for distant relatives and family friends. I just can't be courageous enough to attend my grandfathers. I believe he would understand but I know some of my other family members may not. I plan on going to the cemetery in my own time. Is this selfish? Are the emotions going to come back or am I just cold hearted?

No your not being selfish, your family is doing what they are able to do, but I feel if you stayed with him till the end then you are exempt from going to his service. Tell your family you are doing what your Grandfather would what you to do. On the day of the service try going to his favorite place & spend that time thinking of the memories you spent with him & the laughs you had at that place. You have been so emotionally scared from traumatic death situations that it's okay for you to go through this process as best you can & the family will have to except your choices, if they have a prob with it, then it is there choice to handle this they way they can & you are handling this the way you can. My sister has blocked out our mothers service & the date she died because she couldn't handle going to my moms service 6 wks after my fathers. She wants know one to remind her because if we do then it brings strong pain that she can handle. You do what you need to so you can move on without him & he won't be upset or feel like you let him down. He is still there for you watching over you & that is what's important.

Xoxoxo
healn heart

Thank you so much for the support. I appreciate it with all of my heart. I am thankful for each and every one of you.

hon

the funeral is not the important part for u and thats fine, its all about what u feel comfortable with.

it might be useful later to have a place to go and chat to him but u dont need to see the coffin to know what is in your heart

wishing u a peaceful day

as always loving thoughts and positive vibes
D :)