Good morning everyone,
I joined here a couple of days ago and have been reading posts. It is mind opening to me to see how much other people are going through. I feel so much compassion and empathy for you all. it also helps to know I'm not alone in my struggles.
Lately, I wake up in the morning and start crying, i think I am feeling overwhelmed and don't have anyone to turn to right now. I am a divorced single mom of four kids ranging in age from 14-19. The 19 year old has many special needs and complex serious health conditions, which require constant treatments and clinic visits. My 17 year old twins are about to graduate from high school. they are both also being treated for depression, and I worry for them. They seem to be doing a little better since beginning treatment, but I carry alot of sorrow that they have this problem.
Their father (my ex), and also my sister and mother (and probably family members on their dads side too) have all struggled with depression, so I understand that its not necessarily my fault or failing as a mother, but just something they have to learn to take care of, with my help and support. still, i feel guilt. They know I worry for them, so I try really hard to not let them see my concern.
My youngest, who is 14, has been dealing with alot of fear lately. Mostly, he's doing really well, but has just started counseling at school for fears that seem almost like phobias (excessive fear of dark, strangers...) My mother, who lives around the block, is in the early-ish stages of some kind of dementia. She doesnt get any medical treatment because it is against her religion. But I have seen her decline, especially over the past year and it concerns me deeply. i have been taking over more for her, like cleaning and checking in daily.
My sister, who until recently had been a major source of support for me, has been having a major internal upheaval surrounding coming to terms with our past and her own past. We were raised in a family where there was love, but also alot of problems. Our dad was an alcoholic/prescrip. med. addict and our mom was in her own world with her religion. We basically raised ourselves in most ways. I went off and married an alcoholic abuser, who i finally grew the courage to leave 7 years ago.
My sister just in the past year and a half has realized alot of things in our upbringing that she never really looked at before, and , she has been immersed in a journey of healing. This is good for her, i know. Selfishly though, I feel I have basically lost the only person on this planet who has been there for me, as a single parent facing everything I am facing daily. She is finally getting proper treatment for codependency, adhd and depression, but it is a long a twisty road that is taking all her attention, and I understand and respect that.
The picture I have just painted sounds bleak when i read it, but there is so much good too. I am grateful for all the good in our lives.
But, the past week has been hard for me. My son has a new medical issue that is concerning me. I get overwhelmed at times to think of all the people around me dealing with depression, that sometimes I;m afraid i'm going to get depressed about that! I feel all alone with a huge life to do every day. I work, I take care of everybody around me, and I dont have anybody to care about me. Everyone is too tied up in their own struggles. I know that in this picture, I am the one that has it the best. I am not depressed, I am not sick. I can see that obviously I am the one who is the natural caregiver in this family right now. But it has been a long road. I miss my sister, I miss my mom. I get tired of being everything: breadwinner, caregiver, counselor, shoulder to lean on........although, the truth is, I am also so full of love for all these people that i wouldnt have it any other way.
but, if anyone can reach out to me, with any words of comfort or wisdom, I'll gladly accept it. i know i'm not alone. I also am praying. Thank you so much for listening