Already letting myself down in the New Year

My daughter and I had such a busy couple months leading up to the holidays and now there's a lull. I really wanted to start the New Year off right --- eating better, keeping busy, being happy; but, that is not how it is starting. I'm eating poorly, haven't done much of anything since Christmas, and had car problems today, which may wind up costing a lot of money, which I DON'T have. My husband said he'd stay at his deceased parents house, but he hasn't left yet. So, he's still hanging around, wasting electricity and being as messy as possible just to irritate me. I really want to get motivated to kickstart my goals for the year, but everything feels like a struggle right now. I'm hoping this is temporary as I'm usually a happy person, but it sure feels like its taking forever to get myself back to a more positive place. I don't want to keep letting myself down. Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Don't beat yourself up too much. You are going through a lot and I would say you do have a good handle on it. You are reaching out, great start. Your hubby or soon to be ex hubby needs to go already. I wonder if you would feel better if you kicked his *** out already. Misery loves company, don't let him get you down. It is only four days into the new year, nurture yourself. Be kind to you, you got this, you will get on track, don't put too much pressure on you and focus, one day at a time. The positive you is still inside, choose to be happy and not down.

Thanks TigerTigre,
I needed to hear that. Today, I THINK I got my car repair figured out. That brought me instant relief. My daughter and I also went to the movies with my aunt and cousin. That was fun. And now, as I read your message, I am feeling much better. Its interesting how just small occurances taking place can change someone's mood.

I'm not counting on my husband to leave, because he has been saying it for a long time now, paying the bills in his deceased parents home, the mortgage in ours and spinning his wheels after he blurts out that he's leaving. I have my name on the affordable housing list for newly built apartments in my area. Hoping one comes available in the next few months. The apt. rep. called once last year, but after having major surgery this past summer I wasn't financially (or physically) ready to move, but I am slowly getting to that point again. I am SO ready for my home life to change for the better, which I know it will when my husband and I separate for good. Thanks again for the pep talk. MUCH appreciated.

I'm seeing something here, you have a home of your own and your husband has a home that was left to him by his parents and yet you are moving. While I am sure that you are thinking in your mind that it may be easier to just leave and be rid of him I have to caution you from a legal stand point about moving out. You have rights to property from the marriage, especially property that your child would reside in after you divorce him. Leaving that property before you are divorced can lead to legal issues down the road. Be careful here, speak to your divorce attorney, if you don't have one you really should get one. It seems that money may really be an issue here, and that would be a shame to loose a home to such a thing. If the property is 'owned' and not rented just be careful before you move out.

Don't feel bad about not keeping your resolutions. Close to 90% of people don't. I would focus all my energies on obtaining a home without the "negative presence".

Thanks for all the great advice. I went to the grocery store today and got fresh fruits and veggies and other healthy items so that I can put forth some effort into taking better care of myself starting tomorrow. The house is in both our names and I want nothing to do with it. Its worth nothing as is because my husband decided after we moved in, that he'd changed his mind on fixing it up and that it wasn't worth repairing (we bought it as a fixer upper, for a great price, in a really good community). I realized then that what he wanted was ME to put all the sweat-equity into fixing it up and funding it all by myself too, while he sat around and watched tv all night after he got in from work. Then his parents passed away, and he realized that he could just move back into his childhood home and forget the whole marriage, child, house thing here. What he didn't count on was the health issues that have cropped up in his life recently. That is why he is sticking around. We don't speak at all 90% of the time. The house is on nearly an acre treed lot, too much for me to maintain, or repair. Our daughter will never own property she is autistic. My goal is for my daughter and I to move out and just have a peaceful existence, without all the banging, slamming, cursing, etc. when the bipolar monster is home. My daughter and I don't need much, and my husband is not involved with her at all, so although life without him will be different for her, he won't be missed. She's never even ridden in his cars. I've done everything for her from the time she was a year old and was dx'd with autism. He washed his hands of parenting, and I've been mom and dad to her ever since. He gives me $160.00 a month to pay for her before and after school child care. Not a penny more. No money for her private health insurance, food, clothing, medications, drs. appts., therapies, activities, etc. Those are all my responsibility in his eyes. She's 10 years old now, and although she is doing well, I would never leave property to her. What I'd like is for her to inherit the profits from the sale of my husband's parents land which was left to him, the only living child of his parents. Unfortunately, he doesn't have a will. I would like for a will to be part of our divorce decree. But all of that will come in time. Right now I am concentrating on getting out of this house. When that happens I can get child support from him and we can start divorce proceedings.

Thanks again to you all for the encouragement.

Wow, he's even worse than you originally mentioned. Sorry, you have to put up with his crap at the moment.

Kudos on getting the healthy items. Hope you're doing well in other areas!

Hi Sweetbutinfected,

Yes, the marriage is BAD, but its been bad, so I'm used to it---but definitely ready to move out ASAP. Having the hysterectomy in the summer set me back a bit, but all is well with that now, and its time to sock away some money and be ready with a security deposit and a couple months rent.

My daughter and I have been doing awesome with healthier eating, and finally, there are some inexpensive activities planned, so I'm focusing on keeping us both busy.

Thanks so much for the kudos. Much appreciated.

Hey honey... I have been out of touch through the holidays and am now at my parent's home with J. New year expectations can be a disappointment. I don't even do that to myself anymore. Honey, your low point is at least several notches above my high point!ha True though.

At mediation I did end up with child support, after 8 months, but rolled over on two tings. I did not enjoy the process and did not feel the mediator was "impartial." It felt like I had inherited 2 more abusive husband's was all. The first thing mediator said to me was that I has been on "Easy Street." How dare he speak to me that way. Such arrogance and so rude. HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT THIS MARRIAGE OR WHAT HAS TRANSPIRED! EASY? So let him live with my husband! Oh well.

I will pm and keep up with your new thread. You have so much going for you Class Act. I admire all I know about you. Just keep going one step at a time. definitely heading in the right direction. You would have been proud of many words I spoke boldly. Him wanting to take away J's Air Soft Guns pissed me off and diverted me from a couple of much larger issues. He knows me well. Come at my kids and I come out swinging; blind to the bigger picture. I will try to fix what I can and it won't happen again. Miss you online friend! bye sweetie

Hi CandyGirl,
Nice to hear from you again. At least you and J are okay. Mediation of any sort is rarely a positive thing. Even though people I know went that route, and supposedly had sorted issues out ahead of time, something or someone inevitably brings negativity into the picture. I guess it is what it is. Not a pleasant ordeal for anyone. I hope that is it for you and now you can begin to rebuild a better life for you and J.

I hope your parents are being supportive while you are staying with them.

How is J doing overall?

This past week, my daughter was experiencing some intestinal difficulties. I'm always a nervous nellie about anything going on with her (she can't always put how she is feeling into words correctly), so I error on the side of caution and call the pediatrician to get his input. He gave me some suggestions, which I followed, and she's showing signs of being better now. I'm glad I had already changed her diet to more healthy, natural foods. I have no doubt that helped. This past Friday, I was nervous to take her to the children's craft event at church that I had signed her up for, but she wanted to go, so I took her. She did okay, but I could tell she still was not feeling her best. We got through it, and she made a cute snow globe that she's put on the dining room table.

I think I'm finally back on track and feeling MUCH better too, especially after receiving the support from people on this site who understand. Its amazing when you think that total strangers can give you support at times better than people you've known all your life.

I have an autism fundraising event to attend next month which I'm excited about. My daughter's calendar is filling up with events that she'd like to participate in also. We'll be busy, which will keep us out of the house.

Gotta run. Take care and again, I'm glad you posted and that you are safe.

Yes, we are safe. J had ordeals with med med over holiday which I may have written.I can't believe the huge mistake I made during mediation. I guess I can officially call myself "starved out." 9 months it took, but looks like I am there. Mediation is required in my state. Otherwise never would have subjected myself to it. I refused to sit in the same room with stbx. A88hole... Oh well.

Hope P had a great holiday and is glad she is feeling better. We have accomplished a significantly more ADD friendly home. It has been quite a bit of work. For him... I'll always do what ever I can to help. Interesting ideas that I will pm about and hear any more details of your holiday.

It doesn't surprise me that strangers can be more compassionate than those who know us. With history, and thoughts and feelings from other days that are no longer valid. They may never have been in the first place. Judgements, and thinking "they know us." Mixed in with what they feel we have not done for them. It doesn't surprise me at all. Most of us on SG have been there, done that, or at least understand how missing the signs and ending up in hot water does not translate to "blame me" for my predicament, Please. It just isn't as cut and dry as family tends to believe. Guess it makes them feel better... Idk.

Love ya girl... Glad you are safe and hopefully stbx will take advan-
tage of staying at his family's home.... NOW! And definitely the will is a big part of P's future. Due to his family's resources, I seriously doubt there will be a problem having that ordered. That and Life Insurance. I would make sure I was kept informed on the premium's being paid. byebye Write later!smile

No, unfortunately, my husband has NOT begun staying at his parents empty house. He hasn't been feeling well AGAIN, which means he will stay at our house because he wants someone to clean up behind him. He told me this morning that because he's been getting sick (vomitting) pretty regularly, about every other month, that he thinks something is really wrong with him. I just turned to my daughter and said very calmly 'get your coat, its time to get to the sitters house'. I know its not good to be so unsupportive of his ills, but he doesn't take care of himself, doesn't go to the dr., and when he does go, he won't get any of the tests the dr. orders for him. He has a stack of scripts from previous visits for numerous tests the dr. ordered. He's never went for any. So, my thought is, don't complain to me because I do not have MD behind my name, and its hard enough for me to look at you, let alone have compassion for you.

Moving on, yes, P and I had a GREAT holiday. We were so busy that when Christmas day came, we both welcomed the R & R.

How were your holidays? Has your ex been in contact with J? How is J handling that? How did you do with organizing? Do you think its been helpful to J? Is he staying more focused?

I know that your divorce will be a blessing to both you and J. As we all know, bad marriages are not good for parents or kids.

Okay, gotta get going. Take care.

Hey Classact. Post and fill me in honey. Summer is here and I hope U & P have a nice one. J & I are just ok. Not exceptional, things are still rough. School year was miraculously successful and nothing has moved further ahead, sigh I miss you and Really want to speak wit you.

Bye Sweetie!