Alright i'm in a new head space and feel like I can finally get some good work done in getting better. For the last week I have been letting every and all gay thoughts consume me so I am comfortable with them. I have accepted that I am going to be with this illness for the long haul and that it is a part of me now. My anxiety has significantly reduced and I am having nervous breakdowns far less frequently which is awesome. I do still backdoor spike a lot and when I notice an attractive dude things get a bit wobbly. I'm also still extremely self conscious and try to relate my actions and the way I talk to being gay, as in find the links. I still spend a lot of time trying to find evidence from my past as well. The thing is though all of these things have sort of turned into second nature. Like instead of questioning the thoughts, they just happen as if they were a regular thoughts. Sometimes that bothers me a lot but I think thats good right? For example I used to notice an attractive dude and feel disgusted and question the whole process. Now I notice them, think gay thoughts and they feel more real but I don't freak out as much. Is that from just experiencing this whole thing for so long and getting over it? Anyways my new goal is to start reducing the anxiety with the gay thoughts so they just exist as another thing in my head. I also want to learn how to think more positively because i've forgotten how to enjoy daily things like coffee and a good cold beer. I don't aim to be like how I was (although I want it so bad) but to improve myself and properly get through this. If anyone has any similar experiences or advice I am all ears. I hope you lot have a great night!
Oh also I'm dealing with the whole enjoying my relationship thing. Every time I get happy with my gf and think I like her then it all starts. It's impossible for me to have a regular thought about our relationship. I always question if I actually like it and if i'd prefer being with dudes. It's totally strange to me but i'm doing my best to try and let the thoughts come and deal then deal with them. I don't enjoy this whole issue and it;s one of the main things that gets me down the most. Before all of this I was so happy to have her, in fact i'd planned on marrying her. I really did love her with every inch of my body. Sex has become a task and it all seems so fake, I just want to wake up and be happy with her.
Very weird that you say this because this is identical to my situation because with my girlfriend I think really far into the future about what ifs (I.e. What if I leave her for a dude) but I'm trying not to care because I have a choice in everything and so do you. You say you love her and believe it, you do. Everyone has a gay thought at some point, it's inevitable, some people stress more than others, just try and find yourself because I've noticed that when I have a gay thought or spike then I lose sight of myself. I've also been taking this supplement called Natural Calm, it's magnesium and I feel it's helping a lot. Everyone should look that up. Stay strong
You are in the same place where I am! I don't get anxiety anymore, I'm used to it. Random spike here and there, maybe my heart races, or I feel dizzy but that's it. I think this is what happens to a lot of long-time hocd sufferers. We just get used to high anxiety levels. I wish you all the best, I wish that you have the strenght to be happy again. I'm sure you will be. :)