Always been very attractive, tall, perfect body, male 6'3", model. And I have never felt like I had any control around food. I justify it by eating really "healthy" foods - whole foods - things that aren't processed at all. And so I just eat and eat until I stuff myself. I never purge myself, and I never put on weight. I just feel sick whenever I eat because I know I'm going to overdo it. I am just waking up to the idea that I have control in this scenario. I am healing from leaky gut syndrome brought on by antibiotic use and as such I justify eating a lot by saying that I need to get nourishment and heal my intestines, and so I need to eat more food. But it is just a mess.
It's the worst when people see my body and they always say, "you're young, you're fit, you're handsome, you're tall, girls love you, you've got no problems, you've got it made." If they only knew the torture I put myself through. I truly see how everyone's path is their own and no one's is perfect - even when it appears it may be so. I have so much respect for others who may be overweight and having to bear that burden in a world where obesity or extra pounds is seen as a negative. The flipside is being thin is no treat - people always assume i have no problems whatsoever and I have to continually remind myself it's ok for me to be a human being and have needs, desires, issues I'm working through - even if I don't fit the mold of America's stereotype of the perfect 40 year old man who has it all together.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to satiate myself from this. I imagine my organs wearing out from all the food processing, nonstop. I do my best, take it one step at a time and be patient with myself as the wounds heal. I realize the relationship between my psyche and my physical body and I realize it's a loop and each affects the other and so I'm being patient with both.
Doing my best, day by day... Thank you for the support and for listening. Very much appreciated.