I am relatively new here and I have posted a few times and been reading a lot as well. One thing I've noticed is that, so far anyway, I have not found anyone who seems to be battling the same demons I'm battling. I have had anorexia since I was 5 years old that I am cognitive of. I am currently 53. It was never about numbers for me. It was never how I looked, or how I felt physically. It was never about food; a fear or distaste for it. I have never been attractive, and being attractive was never a goal for me. I don't compare myself to others or base my opinion of myself on what I weigh or how I look.
For me, it has always been about punishment; self-loathing perhaps, or guilt. I have never felt worthy of eating, worthy of having good health or feeling good. Ever since I was a little kid I have felt bad, guilty, unlovable. Having a husband who loves me and children who love me and depend on me, instead of lightening those heavy feelings, only seems to increase them. I feel as though I have to eat, I have to survive to take care of them all. More! I WANT to survive to be part of their lives. Yet, every time I eat I feel like I shouldn't have. Like I did something I hadn't "earned" the right to do.
I have an appt. Tuesday with a counselor. This woman does not specialize in eating disorders and I get the impression she really doesn't know much about them at all, but our insurance covers her so I need to see her. I hope she can help me. Is there no one else here who has felt this way? I never read about this in any ED publications. it always seems to be about numbers and looks and feelings about food...
whereas i agree that there is few (if any) who have dealt with anorexia that early in their lives, i don't think it's only about feelings on food for most of us/them.
the feelings you describe, self loathing, unlovable, not deserving, having to punish one self are certainly on my mind on a daily basis.
i hope your appointment goes well tomorrow, just try to be open about it and see what happens.
Eating disorders are multi-faceted, and sufferer's motivations are as varied as the individual. I have never heard of anyone as young as 5 developing anorexia, but that does not mean it is impossible, nor does it mean you are alone. ♥ For whatever reason, you learned early on to deal with your emotions with eating disordered behaviors. Recovery is completely possible! :) You will need specialized professional help with this, but I understand the insurance concerns, too...
It's important to know that eating disorders are never about food or weight, numbers or vanity... It might seem so to the outside observer, and even to the sufferer... But really, underneath all those obsessions, lies a whole lot of pain... It varies for everyone... For me, I developed an eating disorder to help me cope with childhood abuse and grave depression... I also used it to help me deal with stress and anxiety... To avoid feeling things I feared would overwhelm me. To distance myself from uncomfortable thoughts, and allow me, in an admittedly mis-guided way, to feel stronger... Dealing with these deeper issues is painful and excrutiatingly difficult. I needed, as do most, good professional help to do so. I began my own journey with an ED therapist that my insurance covered. Eventually, I accepted the fact that I needed more help, and I began treatment through an outpatient clinic. That worked for me; others need other levels of care. Through my support groups, this site, therapy, mentor work, nutrition counseling, and medical support, I have recovered. You can, too!!! ♥
Please let us know how your appointment went. We'd love to support you in any way possible. :)
Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I do understand what you are saying, Jen, regarding EDs being rooted in pain ultimately. I just meant that I read so many saying how they "feel" fat and how they observe what the scale says or what calories are and such. I don't look to those things and never have. I've just never talked with anyone else who seems to not care about those things.
I was inpatient at an ED clinic for about 5 weeks back when I was 30. I've done pretty well until now. This surgery and consequent not being allowed to eat for nearly a month really set me back.
I was the youngest child with a bleeding ulcer admitted to our local hospital when I as 5 years old. I was starving myself, possibly because of the ulcer, BUT unknown to my mother, my father was having an affair behind her back, and when it all came out, the pediatrician said he truly believed I was sensing "a disturbance". I have always been really sensitive to things outside of myself, outside of my control. My mother was always forcing me to eat, and I went through a stage where all I would eat was jarred baby food (YUCK! What as THAT about?!). At the age of 7 a friend and I were kidnapped and raped. When we returned home I began in earnest not to allow myself to eat.
My life from there out is nothing much more than a soap opera, chock filled with PTSD experiences. I'm a poop magnet, that's for sure. I have been blessed so greatly in so many ways, and I don't take that for granted, but I want this demon out of my life. I have allowed it to steal from me for far too long. It's time for it to go...
no, you are definitely not alone. that is the root of my disorder. i feel so guilty eating a few pretzel sticks. sometimes i SI afterward because i'm so upset at myself. i hate food, too much hassel.
so you are not alone hun. feel free to message me, if you want to.
I’m guessing SI is self injure (?). I have done this as well. I was a cutter when I was a teen, and after becoming a mom I would hit walls until my hand broke or bled. I have used great restraint in that area of my life, thank God, and have not been harming myself that way. Still, it’s so humiliating when doctors and such see the scars and ask where they came from. It’s obvious where they came from, and I don’t lie about it anymore. I just say it was something I did in the past, and that’s true. Such a bizarre way to live. In terms of faith, I am a pretty strong Christian and what I do to myself (ED or otherwise) flies in the face of what I believe is true. It’s like living a double life. Are you getting help?
as far as early age not sure of, but have you ever wondered the fact it is one thing in our lives we have control over. It can be a way of punishment or you eat you feel some shame or guilt and the way to deal with it is to control the situation and get it out. I feel for you and hope things do get better. But the age is young, but there is an underlying reason for it. You are not alone.
Oh yes! I have thought about that a lot. I have noticed for a long time now that when I am surrounded by chaos, that is when I have the greatest challenge to eat. It is indeed the one thing we can control about ourselves when everything around us is spinning out of control. What we need is somethng to replace that, but what?
we definitely need to replace it because in the end it may FEEL as if WE control the way we eat but it actually is ED controlling us!! i lost control over my eating the day i out that chocolate away for good.
yes, that's what i meant. i'm trying to get help....it's not working out too well. i'm very sick from ED today.
maybe ask the councelor tomorrow, if she recommends anyone who specializes in ED that are on your plan. i know that the issue is deeper than just making food plans. good luck, i'll be thinking about you.
well I have not had mine from such a young age but I have had it for 20 plus years and at times for me it is about punishing myself. I dont think I deserve to eat. I am not worthy, but I also focus on the other things to such as numbers and control. I hope this therapist can help you with some self love and maybe your problem might improve some. Have to find out why you think this of yourself..who told you growing up(age 5) that you are not worthy? Maybe she will help you understand this and start to understand your eating disorder to. So to some extend I do understand where you are coming from...good luck. Also if this is your first time in therapy dont get frustrated if things are not fixed right away. I have been in treatment off and on for 18 years(not to discourage you I have other issues too!)
I'm so happy you finally got that appointment. I remember you were worried about it before and didn't want to talk to the therapist who works with your kids. But like you said your kids love you and you need to eat to survive and care for them! Why do you feel unworthy of food and good health and love. You're such a great person for taking care of all those kids that need help. You're doing wonderful things that most people wouldn't. You're a good person! and you deserve good things! You deserve love! I really hope this counselor can help you <3