I am in a bad relationship that I am not sure I want to end. I am so angry at myself that I cant make a decision. I am not even sure if what he is doing falls into the catagory of abuse. I met this guy last year and within 2 weeks moved with him to Texas for a job offer he got. I wasnt thinking clearly and was so desperate for love that I left my job without 2 weeks notice and followed him out here. It lasted 2 months before I was coming back home. I had no money, nowhere to go except move in with my mom. Me and him stayed in a long distance relationship for the last year and he finally convinced me to try being out here again. So here I am, 30, no job, living with a man I am not even sure I love. The biggest problem I am having is trying to figure out if the problem is me or him, or a little of both. I am petrified of having regret over leaving him...and I often wonder if maybe my mind is warped and I really am hard to live with. I dont want to throw away a good guy when the whole time, the reason we didnt get along was me. He makes a good living and we live in a 2 bedroom cute house that I love. I have really enjoyed playing house and putting my personal touches on it. I have fallen in love with his dogs and truly love it out here in Texas. Its a fresh change that I love. But he can be manipulative. He, in my opinion, turns things around so everything is my fault. He takes little responsability for the things he has done in iur relationship. He has a controlling nature and is of the beleif that the man has the final say in EVERYTHING. He gets irritated very easily and often tells me in a harsh tone not to argue with him when all I was doing was having a conversation. when I have talked to him about this, he tells me I am nuts and gets very defensive with me and stands firm that he was right and I was wrong. He gets angry soooo easily. I get snapped at often for wanting to talk things out, crying, and being too needy. Here is the thing though. I am a manipulator too. I know fully well how to do what he is doing to me. I also know I tend to think the world revolves around me. He has convinced me that I am so afraid of love and letting go that I am putting up a wall with him and causing problems. So...my delima is what if it is all me. I do not trust my instict. I am not even sure what my instint is. I cant even rely on my own judgement and its breaking my heart. I feel like I am not sure anymore the difference between righ and wrong. One of us is crazy and I am not sure who it is. I also as angry as I am in this situation really do not want to go home and I am not sure why. I wonder if maybe it is beacuse I am lazy. I enjoy only having to work part time hours and not pay half the rent etc. I love not living at home with my Mom. I have been very embarrased about that. I feel like this house is a bit of mine too and being here with my boyfriend makes me feel like I am normal again. I dont know what to do. In one way I am discovering that I will never get what I need from him and I need to concentrate on taking care of myself out here. I have always been very dependent on people for my self esteem. I have NEVER looked within. I have had the belief for several years that my happiness lies in others. Being here, going through what I am going through without my Mom being there to comfort me is kind of making me stand on my own two feet emotionally. I am finding myself meditation, praying and actually doing the emotional work I need to do for me. But I wonder how long I can do this with living with a man who is the way he is. But then again, I feel stuck because I am worried all our problems are me. I also think maybe the reason I want to stay here is I am avoiding responsability. I am 30 years old, no job, no savings, and no home of my own. Here I kind of have things handed to me on a silver plate. I dont have work yet but he says a small part time job would do me good. Otherwise he is helping me pay off my debt. He bought me a gym membership and takes care of most of my needs (except emotionally) I guess I have been trying to convince myself that even though he isnt the one I am meant to be with, that right now this is where I am meant to be...and that I should use this time to grow and become strong and use me and only me for my happiness. Basically I am about to try to go on the mission on living with a **** and trying to better myself and look within instead of looking to him. I dont know if I can do this. I just know I dont want to go home. I feel like I need to stay here longer. My Mom keeps telling me that when I have had enough, I will come home and that obviously I havent had enough..and to just pray and try to get out and make friends. He works very long hours and I am left to my self a lot, which is good because its forcing me to be my own best friend and for the most part, I kind of like it. Sorry to write a novel here, just had a lot to say.
Am glad you are reading/realizing the RED FLAGS of this relationship/situation, unfortunately when people move in together they GIVE something very valuable AWAY then they have an even harder time trying to recover from the loss, expecially women pay a high price emotionally, financially & more unforseen ramifications in long term from this type of action they have choosen in their life. Its good you have alternatives, some of us do not & have to keep our head up to survive while we take other measures. Keep talking w/us & keep posting so others can read & learn from your experiences.
Take care of you.
April
Stop right there. I'm going to quote you -
"So here I am, 30, no job, living with a man I AM NOT SURE I EVEN LOVE."
Why do you even question if it's all you? Right there should be your answer. You got talked into something you are no longer comfortable with. You are in a relationship that is making you unhappy. So why are you staying?
You need to go home. Go back to your mother's unless you can get your own place. Why torture yourself? Your mom is obviously going to welcome you back.
Although you may get the ever so motherly-loving "I told you so" conversation when you get there, but mom's are good for that!
But what if I end up regretting it? What if I get home and miss him so much and look back and wonder about every move I made and regret it? I am so very scared. We just had a huge falling out and I am currently packing to go home but I also know we have been through this before and I always end up unpacking.
Whisper, if your still moving out then utilize this opportunity to learn & look within yourself as to what you want in life, not what others want you to be or do. It will make you stronger mentally in the long haul. Be grateful & gracious to your mom & use the time wisely, you can do it honey.
All my strengths.
April
I am leaving tonight and I am a complete wreck. I cant stop shaking and my nerves feel shot. I dont know how to do this.
Hey Whisper,
Remember this, we only get one life, why stay with a man you are not sure you love? I think you need time away from him, clear your head, find your feet and once happy inside once your independetly free and still want to be with him...then you can look at that.
Playing house is fun. But one thing is for sure, we can't turn back time.
Ask yourself this, if there was a man offering the exact same but you were sure you loved wouldn't you be gone from this man in a shot?
You need time to sort your head out, it's not not fair on either one of you.
Good on you for going, that's a very brave move, you can stand on your own girlie. Keep coming back here for support.
Much love to you
Moongal x
As time passes YOU will feel stronger emotionally, day by day. Lets us know how your doing, we're all thinking about you.
April
I have been in the same situation. Run like hell.. do it now. Don't confuse LOVE with CONTROL... I made this mistake. The damage it does to you. will take years for you to recover. Don't second guess yourself. if you feel. This is bad for you run.. it is better to be alone than to be used and abused.
YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL AND IMPORTANT PERSON. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. WORK ON YOUR BEST PARTS OF YOURSELF. ABUSE OF ANY KIND IS WRONG. I AM 56 AND HAVE HAD MANY BOYFRIENDS, HUSBANDS THAT NEVER NEW WHAT A WONDERFUL PERSON THEY HAD. THEY THOUGHT IT WAS OK TO TREAT ME LIKE NOTHING. I AM BEAUTIFUL,SMART,LOVING KIND, THEY ARE THE ONES THAT ARE LOSERS.
STOP SECOND GUESSING YOURSELF. IF YOU ARE WRITING IN HERE YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER. YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.
My daughter had the same thing happen went to tx with a bad guy. Now she is married to a wonderful man. that love and cares for her. the way she deserves.
hey i hope everything is going ok with you. i just wanted to say i just ended my relationship today with a guy that treated my like second place and that was on the good days. staying with somebody because you dont know how to break it off will not make you happy. be happy with yourself. think of the things you like to do and do it and you will fin that you are better off without him. i learned that if you contemplate breaking off a relationship it is probably because you know you should hope all works out for you
Hey there. I am sorry for the pain you are going through. Breakups are the worst arent they? But you are right, its not worth staying if you are not happy and I am learning the hard way. Keep your chin held high and know you deserve better.
Thats what learning about ourselves & others IS about, am hopeful one can start teaching it to all the next generation of babies so THEY will never have to learn things this way. Spread the word.