Am I really doing this on purpose?

My brother thinks I'm doing it on purpose. I asked him if he even knows what being bulimic means. He said yes and said that I'm not - "you started it and you keep saying that you'll stop but you don't."

"You're doing it on purpose" he says.

That hurts. It hurts.

I started to defend myself. Trying to find the words to prove to him that I am ... but I stopped. What was I trying to prove?

Maybe I really am doing it on purpose. I don't know. I feel like I can stop but then I binge and purge right after. Is it really something I do on purpose? Is throwing up something I really want to do? DO I enjoy the impact this is having on my life?

Who am I kidding? Who are you kidding?

THis is all just a big mistake. This is all just a dream and I will wake up from this because this isn't real.

Tobestrong,

You are NOT doing this on purpose. This is an illness and no matter how you developed it, it is not easy to get out of. You can't just simply stop and forget it. It doesn't work that way.

You can stop though! But it's going to take time. Stop by slowly switching up your routine to get yourself out of that set binge/purge routine you find yourself in.
Do you see a counselor?
It may also be worth giving your brother some research on the disease so he can understand and support you. Once he understands how serious this illness is he will be able to better help.

Do you eat a lot during the day? That's the first thing to change. Start forcing 3 meals into yourself and at least 1 snack (I like 2). Keep your appetite satisfied so the binge doesn't seem so desirable. And don't stay away from binge foods, but instead incorporate them into your diet.
Create a meal plan for yourself and hold yourself accountable for it. Make sure you get enough nutrients in it as well. Going to see a dietitian would be a good idea as well, for they can help you with that.

Lastly, find distractions for yourself whenever you get the urge to binge, or after a binge to stop yourself from purging. The purge is worst than the binge though. If you do binge, do not allow yourself to purge. Tell yourself "No, this food is staying in me." And DON'T restrict the next day. Eat the same.
It will be uncomfortable. There will be bloating, and you may experience reflux. But it's all worth it in the end to get your body back on track.

If you have any questions I'm here for you :)

TBS,
So. Your brother thinks you are doing this on purpose. Hmm.

Well, i never really think of the disorder as an illness. I think of is as a disorder. As the name is. Now do i purge on purpose. Course i do. No-one forces me. I do it. But why do i do it?? For a variety of reasons which seem to be out of my control.

It is like a compulsion. To say that it is on purpose is misleading. Does it empower me to stop when i am told i do it on purpose? No. Do i feel better about myself when i am told i do it on purpose? No.

So what purpose does it serve to tell me that? None. Except to make me feel bad. I am not saying this is how your brother wants you to feel but unfortunately, that is a consequence of him telling you that.

In short (cos i am making no sense), having a meal plan helps. But the purging beast lurks. It really is a case of getting help and getting some eating structure and working on your mind. I find that when i mentally accept food, i am more able to physically accept it. When i mentally reject it, then i physically reject it. Thi is just me personally.

I really hope you can get some help and some supportive people around you.

Hugs.

xx