Ambivalence

Sorry for being so erratic around here. Thank you for your new and continuing support as I have come to and fro for the past year. Things recently have been strange. Social happenings have been far more frequent for me recently, which is nice. I have been making a lot of progress recently in trying to let go of feeling the need to have an eating disorder. Before I wanted the obsession to stop, but when it came down to it I really wasn't willing to sacrifice any of my behaviours or obsessions because to me that was failure, and my eating disorder was what made me interesting and in a sense, put on a pedestal in my mind for being able to endure all of the hell I was putting my self through. It made me feel more worthy, courageous, and sickly twisted, which I enjoyed. And then I realized; I am not living. I wake up obsessing about food and my body, go to bed obsessing about food and my body, dream about food and my body, and everything in between is grey matter. I am young. Why am I wasting the prime of my life resenting every breath that I take? I should be embracing youth; opening my mind to the possibility of joy, learning, and love. I have to go, but I will write the rest of this later because I have so much more to say.

lemons ... I look forward to the rest of what you have to say.

I very much relate. Sometimes I hate the disorder and want nothing more than to get rid of it. At the same time, I'm not sure I'm ready/willing to give it up. I, too, feel like it's a good thing, a sign of strength, something that makes me special or interesting and something that I don't want to see leave. *Sigh*. This stuff is all so complicated!

Lemons,

Tears... Such beautiful and poignant honesty... ♥ I, too, have felt that way about my eating disorder... Safe in the obsessions because they prevented me from thinking about life. Powerful and successful because I could do what others couldn't. And then... Trapped. Suffering. Removed and isolated. There IS a better way. And the amazing thing? Recovery doesn't REMOVE one's specialness... It INTENSIFIES it. ♥

Thinking of you... So GLAD to see you back! :)

Love,

Jen

First of all, thank you so much for your responses. It is so nice to know that I am not the only person clinging on to these feelings. It's just so difficult to change... I feel as though I am floating through life just observing myself and my interactions right now. I was with a couple of my friends the other day, and they were talking about how skinny I used to be and how unhealthy I used to look, and that totally made crave that power and strength that you guys are describing. It's kind of a strange feeling. I feel so much more comfortable around people than I used to, I have had my period for two months in a row now, and my friends and family are ecstatic that I am not always miserable and irritable anymore. But I still feel such sorrow inside. People pose as a distraction, but when I am alone I feel so much more distanced from myself than I used to, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, and like I have lost a little of my identity. I used to be such a passionate and driven person, and now I feel as though I am drowning in indifference. If I wanted something, I would push myself until I achieved it, and that was just the way it was. People admired me for that. And obviously, my eating disorder was my biggest and greatest accomplishment of discipline and self control. I miss that, especially because now I am struggling with overeating, and as a result, feel powerless and out of control. Quite the reverse.
I was talking with a good friend of mine recently about depression; we related in how we both felt that it kept us incredibly in tune with ourselves and the world, like we understood things on a greater level, and that it made us so much more in touch with who we were. Everything was intense and real, and the pain, in a sense, expanded our minds. So yes, I am having a difficult time letting go of the idea of having "issues". I just know that this mundane feeling of self disgust isn't what I want, I want so much more. I want my life to be built on love, knowledge, expansion, giddiness, hilarity and positivity.
I am searching for a rhythm. And to do that, I am trying to throw everything form of comfort and security I have out the window. Up until two weeks ago I have had an obsession with food logging; writing down every single morsel of that went in my mouth directly after eating, looking over my log a million times between meals, and making a meal plan, down to exact measurements, every night for the proceeding day. But I decided to stop. I realized that I have a highly specialized and extremely amazing tool called the human body, that has the ability to communicate to me when I am hungry and when I am full. And considering that I am a health conscious vegan that exercises regularly, if I listen to those signals, there is no way that I will ever have issues with being overweight or chubby, which yes, vainly, is the ultimate fear that fuels my mentality. Some how I have come to live under the pretence that my body's objective is to make me fat, which I now realize is totally illogical. If I am hungry it is because my body needs energy to preform some function within itself, not because it is trying to sabotage my appearance. It KNOWS what it NEEDS, WHEN it needs it. It is not going to ask for something it won't use. Our make up is designed around efficiency, and that would be inefficient. I don't have to plan my day, and shouldn't, under the terms that, if left to my own resources, I will eat everything in sight.
I am now a no numbers person. I am not counting calories, not weighing myself, and trying not to plan or obsess about what I eat. I am trying to learn to become naturally in tune with my body and its demands so I can find ITS ideal, rather than contorting it to my ideal through numbers and rituals. It is trying, but I have nothing to lose.

Thanks guys:)