An 8 year battle with Bulimia

My name is Hilary and I'm 22 years old, but will be 23 next month. I have had bulimia off and on (but mostly on) for nearly 8 years now. My illness has had several forms, from being an attempt to lose weight, a coping mechanism for stress, and for what now feels like just a habit gone out of control. I haven't lost weight from my bulimia in over 2 years. I am 5'10'' and weigh 175 pounds (approx. 80kg). The lowest weight I ever got to was 152 pounds, and it was actually during the only time I ever managed to stay bulimia free for 6 months and just lead a healthy, active lifestyle. Ever since I got sucked back in, I have gained weight and been unable to lose it..despite the fact that I workout for more than 10-15 hours a week to prepare for half marathons and triathlons. I eat extremely healthy when I'm eating normally, but I experience what feel like uncontrollable urges to binge on unhealthy foods almost every day. I purge by self-induced vomitting. Another reasonI why I probably can't lose weight is because I find it difficult to stay asleep at night, and usually wind up in the kitchen, eating foods that I'm too tired to purge. I am in a constant battle with myself, because bulimia did the opposite for me of what I wanted it to do. It has caused me to gain weight...so here I am trying to give up my eating disorder, but still lose the 23 pounds it caused me to gain. I KNOW that it only makes sense that if I give up the bulimia, then I'm more likely to get back to my healthy weight...but Im constantly in fear that once I give up the binging and purging, then my weight will just continue to rise. Bulimia no longer feels like a coping mechanism. I binge when Im happy, sad, relieved, stressed, lonely, around people.....it isnt until the binge is over that Im able to come back to a normal frame of mind and that's when I panick and feel the NEED to purge. If I cant purge, I have extreme anxiety attacks.

I have tried to not let bulimia ruin every aspect of my life. At several times in the past 8 years, my entire day would revolve around binging and purging. I have since gotten better at living a life outside of bulimia, but the fact that it still remains is still putting a huge strain on my life. I still train for races, and I am currently living as a backpacker in Australia (I thought traveling might ''cure'' me), but I KNOW that if I were able to make a full recovery, then my life would be so much better. I could actually start accomplishing other goals for myself, rather than just constantly tell myself ''I'll focus on that once I get over bulimia.'' And I really need to, because I feel like if I don't get help now, then I will spiral out of control yet again.

If anyone can relate or just wants someone to work through recovery with, please contact me.

Hilary Kaye

About 10 or so minutes after writing this post, I went to the kitcen to grab a snack. I drank too much water which led to feeling bloated, which led to the binge I'm currently still eating. All of which is my roommates food...which I have to replace before he gets home from work, which means i have to ride my bike 30 minutes in to town, do the shopping, then ride back...all after a binge...then I get to ride my bike BACK to town for my 8 hour work shift. I knew all of this before I started the binge...but it wasnt enough to stop me. I am so sick of this.

i actually know the feeling, after drinking too much water i need more chips to balance it out, then after too many chips i feel like i need more water and next thing i know i ate the entire bag. do your binges happen by mistake every time like that now? you could try a strict diet plan with no exceptions, i don't really know much about the mindset of bulimia but it's an idea.

I would say that 50% of my binges are by ''accident'' after just becoming too bloated on normal food, but 50% are also caused by urges to eat junk food. After my normal snack...which was only fruit and water...I became bloated and decided to eat an entire box of cookies, 4 pieces of toast and butter, and 2 waffles. Then I purged all of it. Now the all too familiar promises of ''never again'' are floating though my mind, and Im scared Ill be back in the same situation tomorrow. I told my roommate I steal his food to binge and purge, and he's trying to help me battle this, but when he's at work and I have the opportunity to replace it before he notices, I usually take it.

And Ive tried numerous times to follow an extremely restricted diet..but that almost always fails and I wind up with stronger urges to binge eat. Im so lost as to what I should do at this point. I want to mean it when I promise myself Ill never do it again. I want my healthy body and mind back :(

My secret to beat Bulimia. is having no free time, by working, studyig meeting new people, and trying to eat healthy ,wish you all luck dear :)

I havent read all the posts above so id k if someon esaid this but i did read wehn u said u have been a on strict diet. diets dont work, they're meant to work for a short time but then they catch up with you. and diets make me binge. believe me, i know. i could do good for like a week then BOOM binging and everything i feel like im "lacking" i devoer. i eat all day long and it makes me sick to my stomache. i cant control it and i dont like it.... but diets, are just set up to fail. because youll feel like youre starving probably. so, just go healthy--eat what feels right and dont weigh yourself for at least a month. go on ,feeling.

Thanks guys. I made it 3 days without binging and purging, but then gave in. Then I made it another 4 days, but gave in today. Im trying to promise myself to add another day between binge-purging at the very least...hopefully in time I can get the hang of it. Im still struggling with food intake on the days Im not binging. Sometimes it feels like my stomach isnt ''satisfied'' unless overly full. Ive been trying to substitute the sensation by loading up on vegetables and fruits instead.

This is a normal feeling there is a diffrence between being hungry and being stuffed with food, and kindly beaware if you are thirsty coz the body sends the same signals when it is hungry or thirsty so when u r hungry start with drinking water and wait 5 min then u can judge ;)good luck..