Ok-Hi my Dad that I lived with for six years/his last six years died 9-25-09. My purpose was to get up and go to work and take care of the house. But mostly it was to be there for my Dad who had done his best for me. We shared a house together and we were very alike. My father had a serious back injury that made me prone to try and take care of him from a very early age. He was a strong man but was very fragile at the same time as anyone who has had a back injury will tell you-you are always on edge if not in pain.
At the age of 65 after getting a clean bill of health-except for being a pack a day smoker-I came home from a trip to Vegas to find him suffering a massive stroke. There was nothing to do. We had to let him starve to death and luckily he got pneumonia at the end cause he was brain dead.
The good thing is that he donated his organs and other people have eyes and bone transfusions from him.
I based my whole routine around my life with him at the end. I had a flare up of fibromyalgia and pretty much a break down right after and ended up hurting my back as a result of a big temper tantrum I had where I picked up a drawer and and tried to bust an old dresser-it was heavy.
I thought I was over my anger cause I cried for 3 months straight and then went one day angry one day crying. A year and four months later I am back to angry with a little agoraphobia.
The anxiety is causing me to feel paralyzed and I know it is pain and there is nothing anyone can do about it. I was on hydrocodone but that was making me do stupid things like impulsive spending. Now I'm on Lyrica it helps the most and I have been to specialists. They are trying to help me but they say my muscles are like wood now. I need to keep exercising. My feet hurt just from normal walking.
I was recently married to my best friend but I wish I had waited a little longer to get married cause it is a lot of compromise on my part. We have cats. I don't like cats. They are ok outside but not in my house. Anyway most men are not good at cleaning. And when my house is dirty I freak out even more than normal. Anyone else get like this where you think of everything you need to do but it is trivial stuff so you sit there for hours stewing over it? I guess it's part of grieving. At least I am not in that same house where I kept walking room to room looking for my Dad knowing he wasn't there-that was driving me crazy.
Hi Queenofpain75, I am so very sorry for your loss and express my sincerest condolences. You absolutely need to allow yourself to feel your emotions of grief, though would you ever consider seeing a therapist to help you work through this pain? Please know that we are here for you, here anytime you need us. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
queen of pain
grief is a sneaky type of emotion just when u think its all over it hits again and again nothing major needs to set it off it just overwhelms us with its emotional rollercoaster ride
sometimes we just have to let those emotions spill out of us when and where they take hold and deal with them as best we can untill finally they lessen in strength and challenge us less
it takes forever for some to come thru the cycle of grief and othes seem to handle it better but no matter whether u are a slow or fast handler of the emotions they still hit us for six out of the blue and thats perfectly natural
so dont worry too much and enjoy your love of your life just explain grief likes to have a say as well sometimes
be kind to yourself
love D :)