Approval for IP

so i finally got the confirmation from my insurance today that they approve IP treatment for 3 weeks (normal time span here and then it will be re-evaluated if more time is needed).

i should be ecstatic, i know my family and friends are, but all i can think about is how terrified i am.

reasons for that:
- i dont wanna gain weight
- i cannot imagine a life without ED
- im dead scared that it wont work, that ill come out and still wont wanna live

no matter how much i tell myself what i can gain by getting rid of ED and all its problems and pain i just dont feel i want life back enough. that ive given up on it a long time ago and that im only hanging on for the people around me.

i just dont know, im so scared and i dont even have a date yet. how will it be when everything is definite?

and the problem now is too that i feel i gotta really engage in ED behavior now because it might be the last time.

this all sucks so bad, im so confused and unsure. and i dont wanna disappoint my family and friends.
this is my last shot, i cant take anymore recovery attempts.

Maedi

your feelings are normal I too have had them prior to treatment. the only advice I can give is to focus on the fact that you know this is good for you. Three weeks is the norm seems too short although I did 5 wks outpatient. You can do this and they help you work through all the emotions that come along with it.
I pushed myself to go my first day was really tough to get through but i just tried to focus on the benefits for me.

I also really engaged in my Ed behaviors before treatment that too is normal.I believe by what you share here they will decide you need continued treatment after the 3 weeks.

I know its all so overwhelming and things are not how you want them to be but please just know that you are worth a life of happiness without Ed.
You will also find in treatment others who have the same fears and understanding. You will make new connections there. just try to focus on each day and not look too far ahead..ugh!! here i am saying the very things that were told to me but have learned that the advice given to me was good advice.
your family is happy because they know you will get the help they can't give you..they love you so dammit girl push through this you ca do this..we are here for you and NEVER give up!!

Love AG♥♥

AG, thank you so much for your encouraging words, they really mean a lot! it’s good to know too that it’s actually common to really want to hang on it and that i’m not just a failure and plain weak.

i’ sure i’ll receive longer treatment, it’s just normal procedure for the insurance to recieve feedback after the first 3 weeks before they pay for anymore.

anyway, i’ll try and push through AG, thanks for your faith!!

love
maedi

Maedi-
First, you have already taken the step for help. You know it's comming, you know it's on the way. Your mind is going through the fact that your whole life is about to change, and if I know anything about people like us, we do not handle change very well. Change is scary as hell. But you need to do whatever you can to just get through the 3 weeks and completely absorb every bit of treatment and help they are providing you with. Take every day as it comes to you. I am finding that life is trumatic on it's own and we have to just try to make it through every day that we can. I will pray for you and your recovery. I wish you all the best dear :)

Rucha, thank you for your good wishes and understanding.

you’re right, im dead scared of the change, especially cause i just don’t know anymore who or what i am without Ed, without depression and all that comes with it. i feel i’m supposed to miserable, that it is what my life is for.

but for the sake of ma family i hope that i’ll get at least 6 weeks in there cause i know how much i’m gonna struggle against those strong ED voices. but yeah, i’ll try to take each day after another.

thansk again!

love
maedi

Maedi, I feel exactly the same way you do...My time is approaching also and although no definte date was given, i'm scared shitless...
My IP will be 6 weeks followed by 3 months of day patient and 2 of OP. Pretty intense...

I am afraid to admit that I dont know who I am without ED, I feel like you do in jusftifying engaging in my ED behaviour now while I can freely before being forced to stop. Gaining is my #1 fear it consumes every morsal of my being...finding my 'nantural weight' scares the **** outta me...i was either obese or how i am now i dont know where i will fall and i cant handle the unknown...

I also fear food and have a horrible relationship with it...exercise or lack there of when im in treatment scares me to the bone, how will i live without it? i simply cant imagine...

If you ever want to vent hunny im going through the same thing exactly, im always here for you and you know it ♥

Mail my **** letter you lazy bum!! hehehe

lol! i'm on it :-)

i understand your fears, gina, i'm right beside you on that. for half my life now i've struggled with all this. what will i be when it goes? what will i look like?i don't wanna be volouptous like my mom, i wanna be athletic! that's how everyone knows me! it's my job!

when will you get your date?

xx

Basically they call me 2 days before im expected to be there, 2 days to tie all loose ends and such…ridiculous! I was told end of jan/early feb.

Maedi,
It's understandable that you are scared about facing this, but remember that what has been going on is NOT working for you.
Normalizing your eating, after such a long time of chaos with the ED may involve weight gain. I can't say, not knowing your status, but again, remember, that you cannot move beyond this without making changes, in both your behaviors and perhaps your weight. I also hope you can reach the point where you see that your weight/shape do not define you, and that controlling your weight, or staying 'thin' does not provide relief to the problems in your life. It only adds to them!
Please try to stay open to new ideas and ways to allow yourself to move on in your life without this monkey on your back. Wishing you the best...Jan ♥

I think you women are very brave espically with what you are going through. You have admitted it and you are CHOOSING to get help. Hear that? CHOOSING! That is an amazing step. I do not have e/d but I suffer from severe depression and I do know what some of those fears are when it comes to change in your life. In my first post I referred to my depression as my BFF (BEST FRIEND FOREVER) Because it has basically defined me for the last 12 of my 26 years. It is always there. And when it's not I completely forget about it. I thank god for lifting it off of me and letting me breathe. But like always, it doesn't take much time for it to creep back in to my brain.. It is a constant every day struggle. But you guys are getting the help you need and deserve so you can go on and have a life without this fucking monkey on your shoulder. It will always be there, but it can't always consume you. I want to get to that point, however I am afraid to let myself get the real help I need. I really do believe that a stay in the facility would do me good. That way they can get my meds streightened out and I can finally get some serious help that I desprately need. But I am afraid. What will work think, what will happen to my daughter. Shes never been without me for more than 2 days. Idk.. Maybe wishful thinking to be completely cured

I really hope this is supportive to you, but as we talked about, I do have thoughts and urges to p but other then that I can't relate but I do know how you feel that you can't imagine your life without ED, cuz I know it's not the same thing but I to actually feel the exact same way you feel with self injury. I will always support you and be there for you and you will never ever disappoint me. So you aren't the alone in feeling the way you are feeling and that your feeling are normal. I hope that helped. Know that I love and care for you! Sending hugs your way.

how you doing today madei??

hey gina, the oh so seemingly important new year is reached now (man im glad its over) and of course nothing feels different! not that i expected it but with everyone around going crazy over it i of course started thinking about the past year a lot. and hell, does it suck, and hell do i wish i wouldnt have to endure another one. but again, got now choice!! cant disappoint or hurt anyone. so again its al about pushing through without really wanting to.

i should get a date for IP on monday or tuesday, i think thats when real anxiety about it will start. we'll see!

how have you been? any news?