Are we meant for Monogamy?

Do you believe that we are meant to be monogamous? My friends and I debate that topic and one of my male friends stands by his stance of men are not created to be monogamous. Therefore, he intends to never marry. This is an interesting article covering this highly debated topic;

"(CNN) -- Seismic cultural shifts about 10,000 years ago rendered the true story of human sexuality so subversive and threatening that for centuries, it has been silenced by religious authorities, pathologized by physicians, studiously ignored by scientists and covered up by moralizing therapists.

In recent decades, the debate over human sexual evolution has entertained only two options: Humans evolved to be either monogamists or polygamists. This tired debate generally devolves into an antagonistic stalemate where women are said to have evolved to seek male-provisioned domesticity while every man secretly yearns for his own harem. The battle between the sexes, we're told, is bred into our blood and bones.

Couples who turn to a therapist for guidance through the inevitable minefields of marriage are likely to receive the confusing message that long-term pair bonding comes naturally to our species, but marriage is still a lot of work.

Few mainstream therapists would contemplate trying to persuade a gay man or lesbian to "grow up, get real, and stop being gay." But most insist that long-term sexual monogamy is "normal," while the curiosity and novelty-seeking inherent in human sexuality are signs of pathology. Thus, couples are led to believe that waning sexual passion in enduring marriages or sexual interest in anyone but their partner portend a failed relationship, when in reality these things often signify nothing more than that we are Homo sapiens...."
        Source:, by Christopher Ryan

As a husband I would like to think that we are but as a believer in evolution I do believe that there is a part of our genetic code that leads us away from it in a very basic, non-reasoning part of our brains.

Hi Abner, thanks so much for your great comment. I think that's what it's all about; believing that you can be with one person even though your genetic code says otherwise.

Whilst I agree with Abner's comments on evolution and the basic biological drive to procreate, I feel it is our ability to imagine, to think and reason outside of the bounds of mere instinct that leads to our hardships with monogamy.

Don't forget that we are not the only species with monogamistic tendencies, and unlike us, some of them mate for life... and stay that way barring death.

We stray because we aren't having our needs met, or we are unhappy, or bored. Sometimes we convince ourselves that we should go elsewhere, and sometimes we stray out of malice.

Is it against our genes as apes to be monogamous? Maybe so, but the real issue is in our heads, not our genes.

Excellent point and side to this mini debate Neue. So, is it really part of genetic make-up or all in a man's mind? That is the question.

Our genetic make up may not be helping matters, but we, as people, are able, and have been able, to over come our primal urges for thousands of years now. It’s one of the main factors that lead us to become the dominate species on this planet.

My point is that,knowing that to be true, we can not honestly then turn around and blame our mistakes on our genes. Its a cop out, and it simply isn’t true.

We are adults. We should be able to control ourselves. If we can not(barring mental illness), we have no one but ourselves to blame.

Neue, totally agreed. You have a very strong point and the key is CONTROL. Temptation is all around us on a day-to-day basis, but what precludes all of us from giving way to these temptations is control, plain and simple.

As a bisexual woman of 30 who has lived with 2 partners for 13 years and is ready to settle down with a man I love I sure hope we are. There is too much jealousy in the world and too much competition between people in a love triangle to expect anything less than monogamy. Even if it is what I call Binogomy. The longest I could ever hold it together was 7 years with the same man and 1 year with the same woman. Always open and honest and even in the same house. I was the only happy one in the bunch. Sometimes we just have to learn to put aside our selfish ideas of what we believe love "should" be and think about the other people in the relationship.

Divaimage, thank you for sharing your story and experiences. I think that as long as we're open and honest with one another, then people can define their own relationships....just like you did with yours.