I'm too full, unsure, too bloated, too fat, and so tired. Following my meal plan is hard. Recovery is too hard. I'm tired of trying. Always feeling like a failure if I'm too high or too low. Too many rules.
I feel as though I am standing, and been standing for too long. So tired. Getting ready to make a few more steps. But behind me is a soft warm comforting bed. The only things keeping me up are cables- my stupid meal plan, my stupid family, and my all too observant boyfriend- I Should sry better for them, I Should keep going in recovery, I Should, Should, Should... I don't Want to. I'm tired. How effortlessly it would be to loosen the cables. Stop feeling guilty for everyone else. Fall into the comfort of anorexia. Embrace it. I wouldn't be tired or confused anymore. I would be sure instead of being like a ping pong ball constantly switching my mind back and forth. Loosening and tightening those cables over and over, day by day.
i too am tired i have been thinking of throwing in the towel and calling it quits. it easier to be deep in my ed then half in recovery the only thing stopping me is the guilt of putting my family and friend thought it causer if i go back to the behavior the surly i will just get thinner and thinner until i disappear. all i can say is hang in there look at how many people are in recovery on this site it is possible. we have to believe it possible this cant be the end. you cant chose this path your worth so much more then anorexia be strong your in my thougghts and prayers lot of love your friend leah
Ah...I hear both of you...the despair, and the feeling of failure. I know how tiring this process is, and how defeated you may feel. But the alternative is much worse. Please fight for your life!
YOU are worth fighting for! Some days NOTHING FEELS right, but if you step back and look at the tools you have...a meal plan, a therapist, people are you who care...whatever it may be, please hang on and don't give up!
HUGS...Jan ♥
Allee, you are right- anorexia is much easier than perservering with your mealplan and recovery- BUT anorexia leads to the despair of just existing whereas recovery leads to the eventual freedom and joy of truly living. I know it seems impossible and hopeless at times, but if you keep at recovery, it will become easier and easier. Hang in there!
Well said. ♥ I agree... Working towards recovery = short term pain, but long term rewards. Remaining in an eating disorder = short term "safety", but long term suffering. One foot in front of the other... They all add up. ♥