At the bottom of everything

I think I may have reached the bottom of everything. That point where you realize you can't go up only further down. It's a feeling of failure, heartache, loneliness, pain that yanks at your heart and tears you in two. The kind of feeling that leaves you to wonder what if things were different. Would I be here?

Today the one person who supported me, was the only person I talked to about this, said she is tired of hearing about my disorder and that she thinks I need tough love. As things grow uncertain in my life I get clingy and needy. I think that bothers her. I just wanted her to listen. That's all. I thought it was a simple request. Now I'm sorry I ever asked. She has given up on me. I can feel it. I am wanting to isolate myself now. I have nothing else for me. She says we can still spend time together but we can't discuss my disorder. I can't even tell her why I'm anxious or angry because it might be disorder related.

My mom knows but pretends it doesn't exist. She just said "oh okay" and let me do this. What the hell?? She offered no help no advice. It's like she approves of it.

I'm restricting now. And purging more. Yeah I've reached the I don't care stage yet again. I've lost a couple pounds. Nothing to be proud of

I feel like I have nothing but my disorder. does anyone else know what I feel? How can I fix this before I am too far gone? I'm at the bottom of everything with nothing else to lose. Help.

Ashley,

I lost a lot of friends with my illness, too... I'm sorry you're feeling so much pain... The isolation is a terrible part of any eating disorder... :0/ Sending HUGS!!! I think it's hard for others to understand what our experience is like, and it can be exhausting to listen to over and over... We need to be very careful and sensitive to others, which is hard, I know, when we feel so needy ourselves... I think it's really important for you to have a therapist you can talk to... Also, a support group can be a Godsend! ♥ If you have a group to talk to that gets it, you may feel less alone. Writing here is GREAT! ♥

Keep going, dear... There is LIGHT on the other side! :)

Love,

Jen

hi ashley

i think u have just drained your friends batteries and it might b a good idea to write her a note or txt a few websites so she can read up on the condition, she probably thinks tough love will help u get better quicker, and for some it works superfically.

as for your mum shes having a tough time so denial is a coping stratergy.

havin said all that i do think if u have a threapist u should discuss this with her/him or mayb the doctor, this time will pass as al things do

untill that moment in time

keep posting and chattin

loving thoughts and positive vibes

Ashley...sorry you are feeling so hopeless and beaten down. Please don't give up. You have wonderful support here, and you DO have more to lose....your life! Hang in there and please keep sharing.....Jan ♥

My friend likes to ask me about it so I always answered her questions. If I had known she would leave me I wouldn't have answered. I think the biggest problem I have is losing my main support. My mom has always been that way. She enables and encourages me. We have no real relationship. To me she is just the woman who gave birth to me.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I feel okay today =]