the last weekend and this upcoming weekend are pretty important events for me. i attended a wedding last weekend in nashville [i live near cincy, ohio]. and this weekend, i'm attending a reunion.
b/c i am unwilling to share the particulars, i am unable to paint a clearer picture of why these events hold so much importance.
with that being said, i want to confess that i'm far more nervous about WHAT TO WEAR than any other possible drama. i can't believe that my mind and visceral abilities are allowing me to feel... dare i say... huge. i KNOW what my weight is. i KNOW what size i'm wearing. i KNOW THAT I'M SMALLER NOW than i have been in 9 years. in the midst of KNOWING these facts, my FEEEELINGS are producing a much different senario. and i can't shake it. i can't get rid of it. i can't get away from it. IT WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!
pant pant. all i am asking for is perhaps a kind thought to be sent my way. i am very close to feeling a kind of desperation that is NOT unfamiliar to me... that pushes me to the ledge... [i never would have ever believed that i'd find myself in this *state of being* again. tears.]
thank you for your attention as you stumble through my cryptic post, sweet sisterhood.
xo
OK Friend ..... You look fabulous in every picture I have ever seen of you. Your personality and wicked sense of humor and your extreme intelligence will far overshadow what you look like anyway. Try on some diffent outfits and ask your children what they think... you know you will get an honest opinion that way
And above all, enjoy yourself and be yourself. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Aw I am sorry you are going through such a tough time! I know exactly how you feel. Though you are a small size, even a smaller weight even ED is constantly telling you that you aren't truely there. Making you uncomfortable in your own skin.
For me, I normally tell myself constantly to stop listening to it. That I know I haven't changed physically since last month maybe when I did feel better with myself! That no one is looking at you, no one is making fun of you, no one is judging you, no one thinks you are fat.
Possibly take a deep breath and think these positive thoughts. Just give yourself a moment. And honestly don't wear something that will make you upset or uncomfortable. It will just make matters worse. Don't beat yourself up.
I hope you have a good time none the less, and I hope maybe you can tame those ED voices even if just a little bit :)
molly, honey-pie
and sweet allee....
thank you for such honest, kind responses. i feel quite BEYOND any talking down, you know? and it really isn't ABOUT what i wear... it's about how fucking crazy i feel about the **** that's bothering me... stupid **** that is getting bigger and bigger and consuming me.
it's about how I SEE myself... others will see the smallness, i don't doubt that. what i doubt is how i FEEEEEEEEL. and i FEEEEEEEEL huge! but trying to believe what i can sometimes see in the mirror [smallness] does not supercede how i FEEEEEEEEL. and i tend to believe how i feel rather than what appears to be the most logical- like the size in my jeans or the number on the scale--- or even that rare true glimpse of how small i really am.
thank you again for your kindness. i will carry it with me this weekend.
xo
I completely understand what you are saying. I have gone through the same Exact thing. You are not alone. Its so illogical, yet you cant shake the feeling ED gives you. I am so sorry you are going through a hard time. I really hope maybe you can shake the feeling this weekend though. I will wish you much luck this weekend. Try to have a good time though
More kind thoughts:
-your feelings are lying to you; try to uproot them by forcing positive thoughts into their place!
-you're wonderful, beautiful, wise, intelligent, and self-aware; all you need is the confidence to believe in yourself!
-people are really going to be much more concerned with their own affairs than with trying to tear you apart
...and above all, YOU'RE WORTH IT!
My beautiful beautiful fairy godmother, of course I am sending tons and tons of loving, peaceful, kind, and concerned thoughts your way this weekend...and everyday actually. I miss you terribly. And I am thinking about you constantly. Let's chat soon and catch up if that's okay. Hang in there. You are so so strong. I love you. *Kasee*
thank you, my sweet sisterhood, for sending such kindness my way...
i made it through the wedding and through the reunion. sigh. it's behind me now, thankfully.
all the goodness outweighed any discomfort for both events. i don't know that i've ever felt good triumph over *bad* before, or maybe i just never gave myself permission to see that the good could outweigh the *bad*.
albeit this small victory, i am now strangely more aware of how others' comments significantly affect how i see myself. as the smallest at both occasions, being repeatedly TOLD this, being praised for looking and being so amazingly thin and fit- i was catapulted toward rock star status. choosing to BELIEVE such things is dangerously intoxicating.
flip that coin and you have the devastation and disappointment that courses through my veins as my mama impulsively blurts out that i'm too thin, asking if i am okay, going on and on about my jeans, etc. all in front of my family and my children.
i've been yanked from my rock star high down into the depths of the darkness of not being a good enough daughter... yeah yeah yeah, i'm 42 years old. mother/ child relationships can be soooooo.... messy.
although i have these EVENTS behind me now, i continue to be plagued with erratic disillusionment.
Beautiful soul,
I am glad you made it through the events and I am very proud of you. I understand how comments can affect us in such strange ways. I had 3 random people over the weekend comment on how much weight I'm losing and it's just triggered something. I know it's hard.
Just know I am praying for you and thinking about you. You have the most gorgeous spirit and you bring absolute joy to my life, even if it is through a cyber-family relationship. Hang in there. *Kasee*