Hi, I just joined this group, so I'm new to this, but here goes...
I've had an ED for 2 years now, went inpatient for a few months, and have been out for about a year now. Things had been going great, mostly because I've been trying to numb out my awful self confidence and body image, but recently I've had to go through the same events that triggered me to need hospitalization, and its been hell, to say the least. I ALWAYS think about food or my body or how hopeless I feel for "failing" ED.
And, to top it all off, I just found out my weight for the first time since I got discharged from inpatient, and I nearly had a nervous breakdown, which I hadn't felt ever these past few months. Its exactly where it was when I was triggered to lose weight to begin with.
It feels like everything I've pushed out of my conscience and tried to ignore just came crashing down on me.... the best word I can think of is complete despair. Eating makes me feel like I'm failing, like its the sole source of all of my weaknesses and hardships in life. I feel like I have absolutely no control in my life, which drives me CRAZY.
I've tried relentlessly to fix the remnants of my broken life since my release, but as time progresses, only more imperfections are revealed to me, like how my twin sister was scarred by her experience through this and is now suffering from depression, and my younger sister is showing signs of restriction... And my best friend is now being hospitalized a second time for anorexia.
I'm not asking for anyone to help me fix my situation, just looking for support.
stga....you found the perfect place for support and understanding. I'm sorry you are still experiencing so much pain with the eating disorder, and so much distress about the 'bigger picture'.
I've been through it. I won't say that "I know how you feel', because your feelings are yours alone, but I can relate.
Being recovered now and looking back, my perspective has changed, thankfully, and I hope you can believe in yourself to keep fighting. Do you have a professional who is helping you to put the pieces back together? Or to find the pieces? ♥
It struck me that you shared that knowing your weight made such an impact. A number? How can any of us allow a number to hold such power? I 'get it', I just can now see how harmful that can be. Think about the fact that it was ONLY knowing a number that made such a huge difference. YOU didn't change! I found that the longer I continued to fight, the more I learned about who I am, and what is truly important to me. My identity as a person WITHOUT an eating disorder began to come through, and I didn't need to consider the other any longer. It's a long process, and a hard one, but please get help if you aren't currently, and keep fighting! You deserve it! Take care...Jan ♥
Thanks, Jan, hearing this means the world to me. I do have a therapist, nutritionist, and doctor, so I've got plenty of professional support, but not much from anyone who's actually been through anything remotely like anorexia. I'm not positive why my weight means so much to me, but it does. Its as if it represents how strong I am, and if I can control that, then I can do anything. It least that's how I felt before I was official diagnosed. Now I feel like a slave to my own impulses... well, to ED. I think part of the problem is that I liked myself more when I was so faithful to my eating disorder more than now, when I am only a shadow of who I used to be. But I know that being here, right in the middle of recovery and relapse, is the worst place to be, and I know that I'll be back in the hospital if I choose relapse, but the scary part is that I have no idea where I'll be if I choose recovery, or if I'll even like it there.
Sigh... its times like these when I question my initial motives that led me to ED anyway. I had everything then, but now I have absolutely nothing. If only I weren't so ungrateful for all that I had going for me instead of only focusing on everything that I DIDN'T have, maybe none of this would have ever happened. I didn't even know how to read a food label before, and now I practically worship it. But, looking back, I think that once I'm past this I'll be stronger than I was to start with; I already know much more about myself than I did before. The future is just sooo hazy right now, I can't help but feel intimidated and helpless. How did you find your identity without the eating disorder?
No one truly understands why eating disorders are so powerful, or why they happen in the first place. But the reasons that a person becomes so obsessed and worrried about food and weight are partly due to the chaotic eating and true starvation that results. When a person's body and brain are in that state, it makes sense that one would be overly concerned and obsessed with it.
There is a twisted sense of 'safety' to the eating disorder at times, because as you said, recovery is impossible to see clearly. it is an unknown, and that is very frightening. Even pain can become comfortable because it's predictable. Taking those steps into the unknown, with a certain amount of 'blind faith' is necessary if you are going to be able to move past it all.
The truth is, NOT changing to work for recovery can certainly lead to death. If not physical death, then life without meaning. The risk is worth it..I promise you....take care..Jan