Baby blues

This may sound horribly selfish and you may all hate me after you read this, but it is honestly how I feel right now. My sister had her baby last week. She is the most perfect and beautiful baby I have ever seen. I was in love from the moment I saw her come out of the birth canal. I have never seen such an amazing sight. I cried through the entire process. I am so happy for them and so proud to be her aunt! At the same time I am so jealous that I can't see straight. My sister and I went through fertility treatment together for almost 2 years until she got pregnant and I relapsed and lost my period. Just another thing that ED has taken from me or at least postponed. I am so ANGRY at my eating disorder. ANGRY at myself for letting this beautiful opportunity for a family go. Watching them interact with this beautiful perfect baby, seeing how happy they are, it makes me so happy for them, and makes me feel like more of a freak at the same time. I talked with my therapist about it and she made me feel a lot more validated. She said it is 100% possible to feel 2 completely contrasting feelings at the same time. It hurts so much though because it is my sister and I love her more than life itself. I don't want to feel this way. I know it is just pure jealousy and hatred toward my disorder. I just feel horrible.

No need to feel horrible; it's a perfectly normal reaction. And, as you said, it's something that the ED may have delayed--not necessarily ruled out forever. Also, I would just encourage you to use the anger that you're feeling as motivation to kick the ED's butt! You can use it a positive way, or you can let the frustration and guilt pull you further into the disorder. Use it to add extra fuel to your reasons to get rid of this thing that's pulling you off track.

Oh sweet and beautiful Sarah! I know exactly how you feel. My brother and his wife had a daughter 3 weeks ago, my sister is due on Thursday.

I had a hysterectomy 5 years ago and never gave life to my own children. I completely understand feeling both happy and upset at the same time.

I held my niece last weekend for the first time. I'm so happy for my brother, but there was a part of me, deep inside a small voice that still says "It's not fair."

Having that small voice does not lessen the joy I have for them, it just means I am human. And so are you.

Sarah, I just want you to know, if for some reason you cannot have children, do not be discouraged or so hard on yourself.

You know, I truly believe there are those of us who were not meant to have our own children for a reason. Even though we were given a distinct passion and desire for children, I believe we have a greater purpose.

There are multitudes of children on this earth that simply need someone to love them.

At 36, my adulthood has been full of children thus far. I have a niece who was just born and one who's going to be born this week. I was a foster mom of three siblings. I used to be a youth group leader, a Sunday school teacher, a special needs camp volunteer. I ran arts & crafts at my house on the weekends for the neighborhood kids. I used to run a neighborhood girls club called Butterflies & Bandanas out of my home and I used to sponsor a child in Bolivia through Compassion International.

So you see, just because we may not be able to bear our own sons and daughters doesn't mean we cannot still be mothers.

I would be more than happy to talk to you about what you're going through at length at any time.

There is hope and a bright side to every situation. It all just depends on one's perspective of things.

Believe me when I tell you it took me a very long time to change my perspective on this.

I can now see how I was needed and filled voids that I would not have been able to fill if I had my own biological children.

Much Love To You!

And feeling jealous of someone you love makes you feel even worse! They are just feelings. Actions are what matter. It seems inevitable that such a drastic change in a loved one's life makes you take a look at your own.

Kittykad, you are right, but it is all part of being human. I felt guilty for being jealous afterwards.

sarah..I have felt this, and I understand how confusing and painful this can be. The eating disorder prevented me from bearing children, despite many attempts at fertility treatments. I had no period for 33 years, until I finally recovered at age 47..!! I felt jealousy, resentment and a lot of pain also at the sight of family members and friends having children. However, I was blessed with two beautiful sons through adoption, and they were/are the biggest blessings of my life, along with recovery! I love children also, and even considered drastic measures when I was 50 years old, to attempt a pregnancy, but had to accept that my opportunity had passed. I have decided that I will bear children in my next life :)
Please don't apologize for your pain. But also, don't give up on your chances to bear children!! Please keep working for your recovery, and that may still be a very real option for you!! HUGS...Jan ♥

Ok, I have kind of a confession to make. I lost it a little bit today in the middle of wal-mart.

My sister is scheduled for her C-section on Thursday (well she is really my boyfriend's sister, but she's mine too). She told me she had to buy pads. And never having had a child I looked at her and asked why? She has bi-polar so sometimes she says things without thinking. And her answer was a little sarcastic. I looked at her with red cheeks and said, "I don't know about this stuff. I've never had a baby." and I started to cry because I felt stupid. She apologized to me and told me she thought I knew because of my brother's fiancee just having a baby. My sister-in-law and I are not close at all.

I'm really afraid when my sister and I are at the hospital on Thursday I'm going to lose it. I'm ashamed to say it, and I told her I probably would. I just want to be able to hold it together.

I lose it all the time! Sometimes when I am out running, I just start crying for no reason. Or driving in the car. I think what's worse is knowing you are heading into a situation that will make you lose it. You hope you won't, but deep down you know the truth, that you will.

A family member was recently reported as developing an eating disorder. Knowing that I struggled with one, my family asked me to go and speak with her. Just thinking about her having an ED made me break down into a FIT of tears! I was terrified that I was going to see her malnurished and just lose it! Worst of all, these family members have never seen that side of me! Sure enough, she looked terrible and I LOST it!

Truth of it is, the worst part of the whole ordeal was the waiting! Waiting for the trigger I knew was going to be there to set off my tears. Not that the actual event was all so pleasant either.

The more I thought of it, what is so bad about crying in front of people?! Why is it a vulnerable side of myself that I don't want people to see? I know it's there, everyone else knows its there, it's like the elephant in the room. Everyone has that side, unless you are a sociopath.

Oh! Another idea. Remember, never take anything personally. Good rule of thumb for dealing with EVERYONE! Sounds like your sister is dealing with a whole load of baggage herself. Bi-polar and just having a kid, her head must be all over the place! No excuse for her lashing out, though.

I know she didn't mean it. I understand she has been uncomfortable, anxious, etc. I'm used to her just saying things without thinking. I on the other hand am an emotional softy. I cry at the drop of a hat. I think right now I have mixed emotions. I am so happy that she has been involving me so much and I get to go to the hospital today. I'm worried about how she's going to feel after the c-section. I'm a little sad it isn't me. I almost feel like I can't take a deep enough breath this morning. And we still have 4 hours before we even go to the hospital! I'm a nervous wreck to because I don't know what to expect. And yes, I am dreading when the "trigger" is going to hit me. I just keep telling myself "Don't forget to breathe!"

Don't forget to BREATHE! ♥

It is so amazing to hear your stories and know that I am not alone in this battle. You are all such amazing and strong women. I am so lucky to have found this group. Thank you for being present and sharing your hearts with me. You don't know the comfort you have brought me.

My beautiful niece was born today. And guess what I didn't lose it! I was so concerned for my sister's well-being and the joy of this little angel coming into the world, that I didn't lose it! I was so happy to hold this little life in my arms! I am going to sleep good tonight. (big cheesey smile)

Yeah, Beautiful Dizzaster! It doesn't always happen that you go into a questionable situation and get the best possible outcome, and you did! Beaming for you in front of my computer!