Background on my triggers

Hello, everyone. I used to have the account, B3sket. I want to talk about some of my triggers and motivations that bring me back both to addictive habits, disturbing thoughts, and unhealthy uses of time.

I had been engaging in sexual activity since I was about 5, actually. I had inadvertently learned, I think, masturbation around that period. I had felt immense guilt already during that period because I felt I was doing something was wrong and felt I was keeping a “dirty secret” from everyone. I did not fully start until 11. Meanwhile, as someone who had autism and OCD, I became obsessed with movies, the ideas of stories that take an ordinary guy and make him superhuman, while giving him the girl so to speak. I also got used to the movies as a sort of “litmus test” for how I compared to where I should be; all the teenagers in high school movies got girlfriends and had sex and were cool and fit in as a result. If I did not do so by the time I graduated, I would be a Failure.

When you’re a teenager, you begin to learn more about the world and try to be more edgy and “grown-up” to compete with the other kids. I thought my sexuality, when I learned what I was doing was masturbation and engaging in fantasies, gave me an edge and something significant over other people. So I chose to continue doing pornography as a way to pretend I had an intimate relationship. I ended up getting into incestual material, not at first realizing it was sexual in nature. When I realized what I was doing, I was so shocked that I experienced several if not daily mental breakdowns. I was guilty and defensive; the constant rumination over the extreme pornography led me to backslide into it; I defended it as giving me an edge. And I did not officially get a relationship in high school, severely challenging my assumptions on life.

My therapist says part of what has led me to this path is that I did not get the attention I may have deserved from my parents, who did not get along and divorced when I was 12. I always resented how they did not get along, and my mother, while ethical and disciplined, was tough and harsh. She at times respected my disorders and other times seemed to act like they did not exist; she was especially tough, I felt, on social interactions; if I said something a little awkward, she would hound me for it. At the same time, she somehow praised me for being so “innocent” and so “mature” because I would not speak.

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How did or does your therapist suggest you process this and move forward? -SG

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