I have never officially had this disorder diagnosed but I can be 100 percent sure this is the hell i live in. Since 10 years old I have been a very focused girl on my outer beauty, never being good enough, ever. I am 22 now and still struggle daily with the most simple of things.
At 10 I began compulsive mirror staring, I hated what I saw. I hated my nose, I wanted it to be smaller than it was. I hated my body, I starved my self. I hated freckels, I hated so much of my self. I would skip school, pretend to be sick, I did this all until 13 when it became worse. I hated my self so very much that I began hurting my self. I cut my self with razors, or anything sharp. I have always thought I deserved to be hurt for being so awful. At 15 and 16 I became very skinny due to very low cal. intake I did on purpose, I was looking at photos now stick skinny. I would spend hours trasnformed in mirrors trying to find who I was. I often could not even see who I was but some creature in the mirror staring back at me. IT was horrifying. I went on prozac for a year when a dr. told my parents I was deppressed. This was the only time in my life I was happy in life, I didn't avoid things - I embraced them. I can't remember ever disliking my self then. I went off and I slowly went down hill from there. I lost several pounds and I can remember people telling me how skinny I was but wanting to tell them how dumb they were for thinking that. People telling me I was pretty and it made me feel like it was a joke. I have always been obsesseive with tanning, and teeth whitening, and hair dying and working out. I wanted so much surgery but I had no money and a fear of surgery. I was put on klonopin for the last five years for anxiety and I am almost off of it now, and my BDD is feeling a lot worse . Two years ago I tried killing my self twice as well - which I read was a very high percent of people with this disorder. The first time I took 300mgs of Klonopin and I was put a mental ward, I lied my way out so I could go home after 3 days. The second time I slit my wrists, I lied and told them I was just reverting back to cutting and didn't mean to aim for my wrists. I remember both times vividly that I hated my self and wanted a way out.
I am 22 and I live with my boyfriend. I am currently weaning off of Klonopin and I think it is making it a lot worse. I find my self wanting to never leave my room unless I have work, and now I feel like working in a public area customers are staring at me. I feel my fat taking me over. I can not look at a mirror now. It is the opposite of being younger, I can only see my self with a very dim light where I can barely make out my face. When my boyfriend tells me I am pretty I get very upset and think he is a liar. When people tell me I am skinny I think they are mocking me.
I can see photos of my self from other time frames and wonder why I might have been pretty then but so hideous now. It is almost like I have no connection to my outer image.
I just need help, I am curious if any one else has this going on. Thank you .