Beating myself up

I've been struggling with anorexia for about 3 years now. I've been in inpatient treatment 3 times and to many different therapists and I've finally started to get on track about a year ago. But I'm still having such a hard time with my thoughts.
I know I've gained weight and I know I need that weight to be healthy but it's still so hard. Tonight I was really hungry and ended up eating a lot. I always count my calories still for every meal I eat. I always beat myself up if I eat more than I would like. I really hate myself and blame myself if I feel like I've ate more than I would like.
The thing is my calorie goal is probably too low. I feel like even if I eat a few calories above my goal that I'm a loser and that I'm going to become huge. It takes a long time for me to calm myself down. And I usually try to make up for it in the following days by restricting. It seems like nobody understands how hard it is for me.
If anyone has any ideas on how I can try to change my thoughts from being so negative against myself I would be really appreciative.

As someone on here told me (sorry cant remember who) to think of food not as the enemy, but as fuel for your body to function properly. When you restrict, you are not allowing your body to function 100% the way it should, and this as we all know, is a dangerous pattern.
Personally, im in no position to preach about the importance of eating, I am just in the very beginning stages of starting to allow food back into my life BUT I also have understanding of the negative effects that NOT eating enough can have.

Are you following a meal plan set out by someone? Who decided upon your daily caloric intake?

I was following a meal plan set out by the dietician at the inpatient hospital but I've been starting to just follow what I feel like eating for that day. But maybe going back to following that meal plan would help for a while again. I know that it had all the nutrients I needed in a day so I could feel better about it. And thanks for the advice. I know about the negative effects and I don't want to ever be as bad as I was again but every day is still a struggle as I"m sure you know. I wish you luck in your recovery!