Been a relationship for 20 years. My bf cheated on me and got a co-worker pregnant. He kept that secret for almost two years. I found out almost two months ago. I have not confronted her yet. I haven’t met his child yet. I am so angry, depressed. We had been trying to get pregnant for over a year. All the while he had a secret child. I am beyond betrayed. She works with me. Doesn’t know that i know. I am seething with anger whenever I see her. I just want to scream. I don’t know how to move on. I cry on impulse. I have never fallen into any type of depression until recently. I feel like the past 20 years of my life have been wasted. My family will be devastated if they were to find out about what he did. I have to save face and not risk anything to jeopardize my job. We’re trying therapy. But there is nothing fruitful as of yet. I don’t want to be impatient. I have so many regrets. I wish I had given in to my paranoia because I suspected it all along. He is so sorry. Is trying so hard everyday, but it doesn’t feel like it’s never enough. He has experienced fatherhood, while here I am on the sidelines. He claims he’s never promised her anything, but what would drive two people to deceive someone and build a mini life of their own?
Oh my, this is a horrible situation and I'm sorry you have to live thru this. 20 years is a long time. The people in this support group are wonderful and give great advice. And I recommed finding a therapist you're comfortable with. It has helped me more than I could describe. I hope you find what works best for you, whether that be staying or leaving.
Can you find a new job? I know I wouldnt want to see the other woman at work every day.
Isyour bf going to be in this child's life? If so he will have to still have some communication with this "woman."
So do you and your bf work together
I can’t imagine the devastation you feel, being betrayed by both of them. i would really recommend you find another job and start building a daily existence that doesn’t include having to see her. Both of them have to have some serious issues to be able to do this for so long with you and her in such close proximity. Do not take any of this on yourself, they are fully responsible for the deception and lies. I’m so sorry, fathering a child with another person, then hiding it for so long, goes above and beyond infidelity, that’s a whole other level of betrayal. The only thing you should be doing right now is taking care of your physical and mental health. Do whatever you have to for you.
The child is innocent. If you do get pregnant, it will be their sibling. Prove that you are the better person and be it's step mom. He has the right to custody arrangements. I say this because my brother in law found out about an unknown child while he was married. My sister reached out to the mother and child. Mother was a loser. Child became part of the family. My sister and her kids have never regretted it.
@Betrayedbyasexaddict That’s all well and good when the dad didn’t know about the child, but when he knew about it the entire time, didn’t tell her, and the skank who was a party to this big fat lie works with her - sorry, not sorry, being a stepmom to this kid would not even be a priority until I decided if I was going to stay with this guy. (which for the record, I wouldn’t)
So, what do you want for your future? That I believe is the only thing that will give you hope to move forward with or without him - knowing what you want for your future. I mean, you're not married to this man and don't have children with him. Is there anything stopping you from leaving this person, if that is what you want. I wouldn't worry so much what other people think because doing what other people want is no life at all. What do you want?
You ask, “but what would drive two people to deceive someone and build a mini life of their own?” I really don’t think it sounds like a mini life of their own. To me it sounds like damage control. Maybe he thought he’d cheat and not get caught but when she got pregnant he didn’t want to hurt you or break up. Just a guess. I really don’t think people who do these types of things plan them. I don’t mean to hurt you by asking you these questions but they’re the questions I’d be asking myself if I were in your position. Does your boyfriend want to be a father to this child? Do you feel like you’re in the way of them being together as a family? : ( I’m so sorry you’re in pain.
Thank you all for the messages. Sometimes you feel like you’re the only person going through this insurmountable pain, and I’m deeply thankful.
When I first found out, it was an immediate “I’m leaving!!” But as I became less agitated, I started to think about what would make me happy. Would it be me leaving and starting over? Nothing ties me to where I currently live except for him and his family. My family is on the other side of the country. Will I be able to find someone like him or better? This is a person with whom I have shared more than half my life with. Legally, I can just walk away unscathed. I shouldn’t fear having to start over, this fear shouldn’t be a deciding a factor as to whether or not I should leave him. But I am a woman of strong faith, and after deliberating for many weeks, I decided to give him a second chance. I am a very proud woman as well, so for me, quitting my job is not an option. I worked there before these two did, am in a higher position than they are, and they are not going to ruin my professional life as well. I didn’t ask for this, I never willingly mix work and private life; they’re the ones who brought that to my workplace, and that’s another thing I cannot forget and will not forgive. But I am a very empathetic person, I want to make it work. My family is his, his is mine, and I know that people go through divorce all the time and have to sever these relationships, but I am not going to. His family did nothing wrong - they have been more supportive of me than they have him. He has not seen his child since he has been found out because he refuses to sneak out and spend time with him. I told him that when we are ready to meet, we will need rules. No communication between he and her, they will need to have an intermediary to discuss childcare matter. He will need to draft up a legal document. And also confirm paternity before anything, as hurtful as it sounds. I am willing to welcome this child into my life. Noone ever asks to be put in the position I’ve been put in, but I am doing what i want to do to be happy in the long run. Maybe God put this child in my life for me to be able to offer him things he otherwise would never see or experience. I am very worldly, love to travel and experience different customs and cultures. I could enrich this child’s life with so much. I am only wanting the pain to go away when I’m left to my thoughts. All these “what ifs” are what eat me alive. I know that this whole situation happened because of something they decided on their own. I did nothing wrong. And to speak for him, he has been trying. He’s regretful. He took me for granted, was afraid of hurting me, kept this painful secret to himself for these years. The worst thing is that I don’t feel any sense of empathy when he tells me this because he is responsible for having inflicted me and himself with this pain. I always pictured my life with him, and I don’t want to continue this with an “asterisk” tarnished it, and what we’re going through right now is a lot of soul searching. Forgiveness, although forgetting is the hardest, and probably won’t ever completely be accomplished. I want this bitterness to go away, because I am better than this. I don’t ever want to cause any ill will or wish that on anyone, but this is harder than anything I’ve ever had to do. I know that if people were to find out, some will talk and say I couldn’t keep my man satisfied or something idiotic like this, and some will say that I am a bigger person than they are because of my choice.
@20fornothing, then you know what you want. I know from experience, it’s not the partner’s fault when a person cheats. Does he know why he did these things? Wishing you joy and healing.
Thank you. He doesn’t know yet. I know this happened around the time he felt vulnerable due to his professional life while I was doing great. He and I are very alpha, and it’s always made for friendly competition. But I know that this is no excuse. Same as her; this was around the time she had lost her father. Regardless, I told him that I have always been one to have to know how things work, and saying “I don’t know why” is never going to be sufficient. If he doesn’t know, then he might do it again, although I find it very unlikely now. We have been going to therapy to delve deep down as to why it happened. He’s never manifested any desire to cheat on me before this happened. After sharing this experience on this site yesterday, I have felt so much relief. Today was the first time without a sobbing session. My heart has felt lighter for the first time in weeks. I want to continue to share my experience for anyone who may be going through the same thing. Although no two experiences are similar, I feel like sharing has lifted up a great deal of negativity already. Thank you all again for the support. This journey is still being written.
Oh, I know you are in a dark place now, but I feel, with great certainty, that this experience for you is going to help so many people. You are a very decisive person, and you are taking all the right steps for your relationship to recover. It just takes time, sometimes a great deal of time. And forgiveness is a process, so is healing. The counseling will help, and hopefully you are able to get to the root of why this happened. And YES! God has a plan, and you being in that child's life could very well be part of that plan. So he or she can she God in you.... I am glad that things are looking up, that you are feeling a bit better. There are many of us out there who have had a bleak past, but we have learned great life lessons from our bad choices or terrible situations. We have moved in to a place of light, a place where we are able to use the things we have learned to lift others up and support them. I feel that you are gong to be one of these people..... Please know that we are here to listen, and that I'll be praying that things get better every day.... Blessings to you....
Today, one of my close girlfriends compared a dying sunflower to my relationship. And while it hurt me a bit, it made me realize that my “old” relationship is dead. I keep yearning for it, but it’s never going to be the same. My mother-in-law made this analogy: you have a brand new piece of furniture, but you somehow get a scratch on it - you can buff it so that it almost disappears, but when you pass by it, you’ll always know that scuff is there. And that’s the relationship at this point. I had a great 3 days without crying this past week. Whenever I would think about “it,” it felt like the picture in my head was blurred out, so it was easier not to feel awful, and it was a relief. But I had a mini-meltdown yesterday; shouting match, a lot of sobbing. I know which buttons to push, and I hate having to resort to this when I want to hurt him. I have yet to meet the offspring or even confront the OW. I’ve seen her at work everyday this week so far, and it’s still so hard to bite my tongue and lash out at her. Work in progress, still.